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Super Smash Bros on N64, version 3.0

Super Smash Bros on N64 is my favorite game of all time.  No other game utilized or revolutionized the multi-player facet of a game better than Nintendo with this obnoxiously phenomenal game.  I will now go through the most complex rankings ever assembled for Super Smash Bros.  I present the Yadam Ross eight-tool ranking system.  Such classic maneuvers as the spike and smash moves have garnered their own spots.  So now we have these criteria, loyal followers:
Power (the ability to kill) ; Volleying (the ability in the air); Speed; Throwing; Resiliency (the ability to live); Spike; Smashing (power “A” moves; Rush (running A over moves):

#12 Link: Power: B+; Volleying D-; Speed D-; Throwing D+; Resiliency F; Spike F; Smashing C; Rush C

You still have little to no understanding what the tools truly mean, but there are your stats for Link.  Link is the Super Smash’s Ethan Albright.  He’s the Herman Cain, the Kyle Boller, or Kwame Brown.  Basically, he’s the worst at what he does.  Link can garner some kills, so long as he isn’t dead by that time.  By the time you’ve added enough % to go for the kill shot, Link has died two or three times.  He has such abilities as “Sitting on your head” and the always popular “flaming” of his “B” up maneuver.  Killing Link should provide no satisfaction to another player.  It is the equivalent to dunking on an eight-foot rim…..Boom Shaka Laka!

Link’s Overall Rating: F-

#11 Jigglypuff: Power C; Volleying D; Speed C; Throwing C; Resiliency C-; Spike C; Smashing B; Rush C

Jiggly has no failing grades, but no fantastic grades either.  She’s a very average character and one often can look foolish when attempting to play with this maiden.  Without a strength, it is impossible to play by avoiding her weaknesses.  That being said, don’t consider Jiggly a slouch.  Her smash moves are fantastic.  A de-powered, “Kirby Kick” is her power “A” over.  Also, there is “The Combo”.  Spirl “A” down volley into a “B” down “Screech” will knock other players into the world of the Lost Boys.  Finally, Jiggly’s back throw “30 degrees of peril” can be a nice move to create space for this light weighted puff ball.

Jigglypuff Overall Rating: D

#10 Yoshi: Power C; Volleying D; Speed D+; Throwing F; Resiliency C+; Spike A-: Smashing C+; Rush B-

Yoshi may be a popular character from the Mario Universe, but that doesn’t make him the most popular character in the Super Smash winners circle.  Yoshi’s Power “a” up smash move is outstanding, but the rest of his game is too slow for tournament play.  His “B” down can be disastrous for the player using it.  Also, his jump makes him extremely vulnerable to rush attacks.  Fox is the bane of Yoshi everywhere as they flail to try and even make contact, but are trounced as Fox rolls around every attack.  Yoshi does supply some entertainment value.  His “B” up “Egg Throw” is something players everywhere can enjoy and then there is the ever popular “B” move or when Yoshi “poops” the player over the edge.  Try and enjoy Yoshi’s better qualities and avoid talented fox players.

Yoshi’s Overall Rating: D

#9 Luigi: Power C+; Volleying C+; Speed D; Throwing C+; Resiliency B; Spike F; Smashing B-; Rush F

One of the heroes of the Mario World, the less popular, yet surprisingly talented Luigi makes his appearance.  Luigi is spike-less and nearly rush-less.  His rush attack is the worst move in the game and is only useful for killing unsuspecting Yoshi.  Luigi can jump higher than his more popular brother and his “B” up s”Ching” provides a powerful pop that none of Mario’s moves offer.  Luigi’s hops make him a tough K.O., but it’s hard to get quick kills with Luigi, making him a tough player.  One who masters the use of “The Ching” and can utilize his above average smash moves can do damage.  Finally, the green one can perform back flips when you jump with him and his taunt (L button) can add a stunning 1% to an opponent.

Luigi’s Overall Rating: D+

#8 Samus Aran Power B+; Volleying B-; Speed F; Throwing D; Resiliency B+; Spike B; Smashing C-; Rush C+

Samus is the only character whose picture tally on Google included softcore porn, but I digress.  This lady (I was unaware too) is a tough machine to kill.  Her arms become the length of the map when she’s knocked over the edge and can grab the side from practically any distance.  In a game where kills are only nothing more than sex appeal, Samus is able to accomplish the real objective: living.  Whether it be her incredible reach, hiding in order to warm up the “Kamehameha” (“B”), or just because she can take damage, Samus makes living look easy in a game where it really isn’t.  A fantastic multi-player option, Samus is not recommended in tournament play because she is the slowest in the game and Fox/Pikachu/Kirby/Mario will make quick work of her.

Samus’s Overall Rating: C

#7 Captain Falcon Power A; Volleying B; Speed B; Throwing D+; Resiliency D-; Spike D+; Smashing D; Rush C

His sprint speed is unrivaled, but within the battle, Captain Falcon moves very slowly.  He has an excellent Power “A” over smash move, the vaunted “Meow” and also the ever popular “Falcon Punch” (“B”), but aside from those two powerful wallops, he lacks K.O. maneuvers.  Perhaps the easiest way to get a kill with the good ‘ol Captain is to knock a player off the map and use the “B” down “Falcon Kick” to cheap shot them.  It is second to one in terms of cheap shot maneuvers.  Also his volleying “A” up move has a lot of potential and when used right can be very frustrating for your opponent.  Captain Falcon’s biggest problem is that he has trouble staying alive.  He’s resiliency is second worst in the game (Falcon gives a shout out to Link now) and is vulnerable to all types of cheap shots.

Captain Falcon’s Overall Rating: C+

#6 Mario: Power C; Volleying B-; Speed C+; Throwing C; Resiliency B+; Spike F; Smashing B+; Rush A

The hero of Nintendo rose dramatically in my last smash re-write.  He retains his place in the power rankings at #6, even though he helped me to become the Super Smash Bros Champion of ATO.  Perhaps Mario’s best known maneuver is the “Mario Tornado” (“B” down), but it is a poor investment.  His most useful move is throwing “Meatballs” (“B”) in order to knock an opponent’s balance off.  Also, his smash move “Big Hat” (“A” up) is a beyond powerful attack which sends players into the stratosphere.  Beware his rush attack.  It’s the best the game has to offer.  The “Slider” is fantastic for giving Mario the advantage.  Very playable in tournament play.

Mario’s Overall Rating: B-

#5 Ness: Power C+; Volleying C; Speed D+; Throwing A; Resiliency B; Spike A; Smashing D-; Rush C

Maybe the hardest character to unlock, some find it surprising that Ness is outside the top 4 off Super Smash.  As it is, the boy genius is the middle character of the three above average characters.  Ness’s resiliency could be much higher for a veteran player.  His “B” up (“PK Thunder”)  can launch Ness across the screen.  The little man is extremely vulnerable upon landing, but talented players can make necessary edge grabs.  Also, Ness’s “A” down smash (“Yo-Yo”) is a fantastic move, but remember it goes backwards first!  Ness’s best move is the “Ness Spike” or the “Fuck You”.  His “A” down volley (“A” down volleys are commonly known as spikes) sends you into the doldrums of the Smash World.  Ness is a great one v. one player, but is less effective in group play.

Ness’s Overall Rating: B-

#4 Fox McCloud: Power D-; Volleying B; Speed A+; Throwing C-; Resiliency B-; Spike D-; Smashing B; Rush B

Good luck catching this sly guy.  Fox McCloud is the quickest player in the game.  His rolling is hard to follow, much less react to.  His “B” down (“Shield”) has more uses than meet the eyes.  It’s best for deflecting a “Kamehameha” from Samus, but also Kirby’s sword, Luigi’s “Cabbage” and Mario’s “Meatballs”.  Fox’s biggest weakness is his distinct lack of power.  One needs to build up much % before finally ending things, unless you can find a nice cheap shot.  Also, Fox is susceptible around the edge of maps because his “B” up (“Firefox”) leaves him vulnerable to cheap shots.  His smash moves are all excellent, especially his power “A” down.

Fox’s Overall Rating: B

#3 D.K.: Power A+; Volleying D; Speed D; Throwing A+; Resiliency A; Spike B; Smashing D; Rush D-

The monkey has been #2 on my list since its conception, but now he slides to #2.  DK has a plethora of weaknesses which make him a feast for the new #2.  DK is a slow mover, roller, and very spike-able.  His smash moves are weak and rush is non-existent.  His “B” down (“Smash the Ground”) and “B” up (“Spinny-Thingy”) provide no damage support. Reading this, one might wonder how DK even makes it to #3…the answer is his strengths are overwhelmingly good.  DK weighs roughly 5,000 tonnes, so good luck hitting him further than 2-feet.  I’ve seen a monkey garner 289% before falling victim to death.  Also, his throw is the best in the game.  He is a quicker grabber than anyone in the game and his throw is the bane of Kirby everywhere.  And don’t forget “The Punch” (B”), the game’s most powerful move.

Donkey Kong’s Overall Rating: A-

#2 Pikachu: Power C+; Volleying B+; Speed A-; Throwing B+; Resiliency B+; Spike F; Smashing A; Rush C

If only he had a spike, Pikachu wouldn’t only be the coolest pokemon of all-time, he’d be the best smash player.  His “Agility” (“B” up) is the best move for returning to the map in the game.  Also, “Thunderbolt” (power “A” over) is the best cheap shot in the game.  He doesn’t have a bad move on the docket.  Also, there is “B” down (“Thunder”) which can cause over 50% on a double-hit.  And who could forget the lightning quick combos Pikachu can show-off whilst he sends you flying in the air all over the map with his array of volleying moves.  Pikachu is a complete badass.  His only weakness is he’s very aerodynamic.

Pikachu’s Overall Rating: A

#1 Kirby: Power B+; Volleying B-; Speed B; Throwing D; Resiliency A+; Spike A+; Smashing A; Rush C+

He’s been #1 for as long as I can remember.  All hail the eternal #1 player!  Kirby’s crown remains firmly planted on his head.  When utilized properly, Kirby kills you eons before you can touch him.  The “Kirby Kick” (power “A” over) can hit multiple times in a row, and drive you to the edge in order to complete the death circuit with the juggernaut “Kirby Spike”.  This combination has been known to bring crying to baseball and cause Theodore Roosevelt to shudder.  Also, Kirby’s special attack is the “B” (“Suck”) where he can steal opposing players’ “B” attacks can make them his own.  He takes “Falcon Punch” and turns it into the “Psycho Punch” and DK’s “The Punch” into his own “GO!” technique.  The ruler of the SSB world reigns supreme until new (substantial) evidence is brought forward to dethrone the dictator.

Kirby’s Overall Rating: A+


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3 thoughts on “Super Smash Bros on N64, version 3.0

  1. I would have switched Fox and Ness. Ness is much better at staying alive IF you are an experienced player (read: not a noob) and his throw is by far the second best in the game (behind DK’s obviously). Other than that, good list. There isn’t much difference between many of the middle of the road players (Luigi, Samus, Falcon, and Mario) so it is hard to distinguish between them, but I believe they are in the right order int he above list.

  2. I feel that you completely belittled Ness’s power. The PK Thunder is the best move in the game if you can make contact with an unsuspecting victim, and that combined with his mini homerun bat smash makes him the best player in the game. He’s only bad if the player is bad.

  3. Vince Kampel on said:

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