5 Status Topics No One Wants to Read
There are few things in the world as irritating as people making stati on Facebook which are grueling to read. Sometimes you read a status and immediately judge the maker because of the ridiculousness of the status formed, but I am here to spread my wisdom and hypocrisy in order to make sure your Facebooking methods are on par for being read-able and bearable for the Facebook community you are a member of!
#5 How Tired You Are From Working/School
this? I would much rather witness a knoll of fruit cascading through the air any day of the week and twice every other day. Chain stati may be the most annoying of the posts on this list, mainly because they don’t even convey a message allowing you to gossip and/or whomp on the status-maker (unless it happens to be a male, then whomp all you want!). The fact of the matter is that chain stati usually subsist to serve a singular purpose: to try and make you feel guilty about not re-posting. Honestly, if you didn’t re-post and your mother died, I’d imagine you’d be quite perturbed, but until that day comes I pray everyone of you who reads this blog entry joins with me in the crusade against chain stati for they pollute our Facebook news foods as heaping mounds of not flying beans, but flying guilt!
#3 College Acceptance/Other Academic Acheivements
Remember when I mentioned hypocrisy? Okay, just checking, not that this next part has anything to do with hypocrisy. Jesus once said the hypocrites are the worst of all people, but do recall he also stated that Satan may use Scripture for his own devices…I feel that I am only losing ground at this point….I digress. It is a to assumes as a student that anyone else gives a flying hill of…in order to keep from repeating I’ll say dung about where you were accepted into college. Whoopy, you made it into Kaplan? Congrats! I hear to make it in there you need at least a 2.0 GPA or can spell the word psychic which any sensible child had learned from Pokemon long before needing it in order to get into college.
At any rate, college acceptance is a marvelous thing. It both officially ends ones high school career and gives way to senior-itis, both important facets of life without which we could not hope to survive! Other than college acceptance itself, people who choose to brag about their scores on various tests (standardized or school-related) also deserve to be punched hard in the face by Donny Bonaduce…he’s ripped, but he has that Napoleon Complex….he’s short. Anyway, I accepted my blow when I posted about the 35 I earned on my ACT…..I’m doing again, aren’t I? Dammit, my mama told me habits are hard to break…oh well. No one really wants to hear if you did so excellent on your tests, because that type of bragging only turns you into a giant jackass that people want to punch square in the jaw and pray some of your teeth fall out. I know I’m getting a bit graphic, but it’s all in good humor….but seriously they want to hit you in the face…so knock it off.
#2 Your Relationship Status/Problems/or How Much you Love your Squeeze
I don’t think people quite understand this sometimes, I know as a future billionaire and 5-time Grammy Award Attendee I have my own issues coping with it, but the world does not revolve around you. Maybe Planet Ashley (I apologize to all Ashley’s before hand, I know many Ashley’s and you are all wonderful, it was the first name that arrived in my cerebellum I digress) revolves around you, but Planet Earth (fairly more important) does not. I know you may think all 400 of your friends, 65 of them who you actually know, care about how much you love Ron (I do not disclaim Ron’s, I’ve never met a Ron I like), but honestly there maybe four friends who do: Your best friend, Ron’s sister, your mother, and Ron. No one else is interested in how mad in love the dynamic duo of you two has fallen in the three weeks you’ve been dating…so hush. As for those who find it acceptable to post stati every hour about how much you regret what has transpired…people still don’t care. You ex-partner will not log onto Facebook, see “I’m so sorry I fucked your friend”, and decided, “Yeah, he/she probably means it.” So please, save yourself the embarrassment and allow that story to seep through the rumor mill the way it was meant to and don’t ruin the fun by spilling he beans (what is it with me and beans?) all at once. Yours truly, Yadam.
#1 How Much You Drink/When You’re Drinking/Everything Involving Drinking
I remember one time a friend of mine put up a status about drinking…it was riotous. We nearly crucified the poor kid, but to be fair to the rest of us, he forced us with his insanity and douchebagged-ness. There are probably a good number of people who would go berserk with laughter should I create a status saying, “Liver, I apologize for what I am ’bout to put you through tonight.” If my flagrant use of ’bout did not set off the douche alarm, then the status itself is sure fire. Fortunately while I may be guilty of making a status about my ACT score, I have refrained completely from the realm of drinking stati. I hear there’s a shortage of chairs there. Anyway, people are not interested to know if you have set a new record for the night with an astounding 13 beers (all lagers, no light beers, shit is for softies). Also, no one is interested in how hungover you are from the biggest bash you’ve ever attended. Maybe it was cool to be a drunken idiot back in freshman year, but when you’re a junior or senior in high school or beyond, realize everyone else is partaking in alcoholism as much as you are. Luckily not everyone feels the need to publicly publish their proudest performance of inebriation on the internet. So quit acting like you’re so high and mighty because you and your three friends beat Joe and his three friends in a case race and settle back in a lounge chair, crack open a beer or (if you prefer as I do) a bottle of Juicy Juice Grape and sail away with friends. Do not express your drinking habits to the world, because the world doesn’t care and it’ll only earn you ridicule both to your face and behind your back…Cheers!