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9 Debates not for the Faint of Heart

Sometimes it takes a real sage to settle the greatest debate among mankind.  I have 9 issues (mainly non-serious…in fact all non-serious) but I have nine issues (18 debaters) trying to vie for their spot at the top of their respected place in society.  I heard their arguments and came to my conclusions on some of the greatest debates going on inside the teenage mind!

#9 More entertaining: College or The NFL?

Argument by College Football:

Playing only for Tide's Pride

This is a game where everything counts.  The regular season is thrilling an exciting.  Every week you can count on a game worth watching and you don’t even need an extra package.  Thursday, Friday, and Saturdays are hallowed evenings to spent with and your television.  This is not a game involving professionals, but a game of pride where student-athletes compete hard for school glory and championships.  College Football is beautiful because for the teams the game is all about pride and proving your school is number one.  Forget big time publicity and money hungry players.  This league has talent to please and intrigue to compound.  It has intensity that no NFL rivalry can hope to replicate.  Steelers-Ravens?  Teams cannot even touch half the rivalries at the college level.  College is all about pride and drive.  This emotion withheld at the amateur level is why it is just plain better than the Big Business NFL.

Argument by NFL:

Tom is so Suave!

NCAA you must be crazy to try and match-up with the Godfather of entertainment.  We’ve been bringing in revenue like no other entertainment venue for years.  Obviously we’re the better league, just look at how the people react.  The Super Bowl is consistently one of the most watched nights of television.  C’mon NCAA, other pro leagues cannot keep up, what’re y’all thinking?  We’ve got all your best players and then some.  People want to watch players make a solid impact and look like superstars.  If you want to watch football who are you picking, Tom Brady or Andrew Luck?  Calvin Johnson or Alshon Jeffery?  Adrian Peterson or Trent Richardson?  Now we’ll admit you guys have some spectacular rivalries: Michigan-Ohio State, Notre Dame-USC, and Alabama-Auburn to name only three.  We, however, have 32 teams that can all compete with each other and win any given Sunday.

Winner: College Football by a step and a half…nothing can match the emotion that goes into every game on Saturday and no pro outcome can match the excitement of a heated college contest or upset.

#8 More Disappointing: ‘05 USC or ‘07 N.D.?

Argument by ’05 USC:

NO!!!!!!....

We were supposed to be the greatest team of all time…what’s more disappointing than the greatest team of all time not winning the National Title?  How’a bout losing to a team who only had one offensive threat?  We had talent an NFL team would envy.  Two Heisman trophy winners and expectations greater than any other team.  SportsCenter gave us our own segment comparing us to great teams over the years and Mark May saying we’d beat them.  Ironically we ended up losing to a Texas team that was considered an afterthought heading into Pasadena (yeah the game was in our own backyard).  We had a 29 ppg margin of victory and “the greatest offense of all time”.  Nothing could stop us, we were a goddman juggernaut.  Even the best effort you losers put up against us in years couldn’t stop the pain train!  Of course that was until we lost to Texas in the Rose Bowl and failed to go wire-to-wire at #1 only because we lost.  Disappointment is spelled with a capital D when talking about the USC team of 2005!

Argument by ’07 Notre Dame:

No one should be this fat and on TV

We’re Notre Dame, one of the most traditional and proud programs in the country.  We had excitement building around our program with head coach Charlie Weis and back-to-back BCS appearances…(both losses, but still appearances).  WE had so much going for us and we were finally on our way back up to the top.  It wouldn’t be long and we’d be playing alongside you west coast braggarts with your long stupid hair.  But then we played Georgia Tech in week 1…and lost 33-3.  We lost every rivalry game this year except our 21-14 survival against Stanford in the last game of the season.  We got whomped by you all and Michigan, both 38-0.  We even lost to Purdue.  Finally, our 43-game winning streak against the Naval Academy fell through as the Midshipmen defeated us 44-41 in triple overtime.  It truly was a year to be embarrassed about and shoved our program back into a hole which we are yet to escape out.  A proud program falling into a pit of losing and going 3-9 against a relatively weak schedule?  That’s disappointment.

Winner: 2005 USC by a mile.  The Trojans lost a game they were supposed to win and were hyped to win for an entire year.  At least Notre Dame came in unranked and is well known for its continuous disappointment of fans.

#7 More Guy Perfect: Boobs or Indoor Plumbing?

Argument by Boobs:

For Boobs!

We’re boobs.  That’s pretty much all we have to say.  I mean what guy doesn’t love boobs?  We come bouncing into a bar and what’s the first thing a guy notices, us.  We’re in guys’ psyches and no one can deny it.  You eavesdrop on a group of guys talking in a basement or pretty much anywhere and the odds we’re a part of the conversation is roughly 73%.  You, indoor plumbing, are nothing but a convenience that guys hardly even consider when not in use.  We boobs are always, at the minimum, in the back of a guy’s mind if not in the front.  Those guys, hahah oh the guys, they are always thinking about us.  It’s crazy how much we’re on their mind .  You should just stop trying to argue that you’re more dude perfect than we are, because honestly indoor plumbing, it’s gotten a little sad.  Just sit back and do your job and be ignored until you’re needed.  We’ll continue being important to guys.

Argument by Indoor Plumbing:

Wash'em and Eat'em

A petty trick, oh fantastic flesh, but you will not scare me away.  I supply more than just those men you are talking about.  What about the 10% of guys who don’t even consider you?  Yeah, I mean now I’m inching closer.  Step back, because I may be an inanimate object, but I’m coming at’cha reckless!  I’m used multiple times a day.  I’m not just the excretion expert, but I allow the gentlemen to clean themselves in via shower or bath.  You can wash your food and yourself!  And I mean obviously you can make sure your backyard doesn’t smell like a cow pie, literally a cow pie.  I am more important than anyone realizes.  Dudes, c’mon and think.  You may lust after boobs, but who do you use more often and who never rejects or taunts you?  I’m always there for you whenever you need it.  Just walk through the door to the tile floor and I’ll be waiting for you:)

Winner: Boobs by a stride…explanation unnecessary

#6 More Trustworthy: Casey Anthony or a Rabid Honey Badger?

Argument by Casey Anthony:

On the rocks, baby!

(pour glass of scotch) I’m a human being!  I mean come on, putting me up against a (puff puff) wild animal?  I know that I (sip) have some problems but that doesn’t mean I’m (puff puff) less trustworthy than some kind of rodent.  I (sip) was innocent of the crime that everyone thinks I (sip) committed.  (pour), sorry, just topping myself off.  Okay, now (sip) I still have no clue why this is even a question (sip).  I (drink) am a good person.  I’m a (drink) a mother…well, I was a mother (pour onto floor)…(pour new glass).   Tgis Basger needs to grt our og my face (sip).  I am a giid persin hoo has a write to be taken setirosly!  (sip) I git no kredit 4 my geret work wiff my kidz.  You people need 2 stpp tring to maje me feel stoopid.  (drains glass)………………………passes out

Argument by the Honey Badger:

Honey Badger=King of Animals

I look cute and cuddly, don’t I?  I know that I got a bad rep because I climb trees to kill monkeys and nonsense.  I’ve been known to take down the occasional King Cobra and yes I will dive head first into a bee hive in order to gain a meal, but I mean this is not because I am reckless or an imbecile, no.  I am a proud and regal animal.  I never let any beast, no matter the despicable nature or frightening get in the way of mine defending of my children.  My honor lies in my defense of the defenseless and the protection of those who cannot protect themselves.  This is why I act as a rabid quadruped who appears to have no regard for my own well-being.  I am busy trying to make sure the world is full of safety for those who cannot be sure by his or herself.  It is obvious this Casey Anthony has no regard for anyone but herself and has no idea what the real meaning of life is.  As my hero Socrates would say, “Do the right thing.”

Winner: The Honey Badger by light years.  The Honey Badger is cute and cuddly and it knows the difference between right and wrong.

#5 Better Game: Zoo Tycoon or Roller Coaster Tycoon?

Argument by Zoo Tycoon:

Far too small for lions, they multiply at an excessive rate!

I’m a game that is second to none.  I was really revolutionary.  People love zoos and building the zoos can become contagious.  People watch their friends play, mainly because their friends cannot move away from the screen.  Every zoo is different, but best of all I supply a secret code that a player can use in order to have infinite amounts of money from the start.  Roller Coaster Tycoon?  No dice, you have to slave away and try and make money which always ends the same way: you try create a super badass coaster and it come out with an intensity rating of 13.50 and none of your guests will even sniff it because it’s so scary (we mean awesome, but the game doesn’t understand).  In zoo tycoon, you can really just build exhibits and not worry about something obnoxious happen.  As long as you don’t n00b completely this game is really a no fail.  If you’re looking for something a little more exciting then just place a shelter in front of the entrance/exit and release all the animals and watch/enjoy!

Argument by Roller Coaster Tycoon:

So much burning!!

Really?  You’re trying to tell me people cannot get away from you, Zoo Tycoon?  It takes hours for someone to design just one coaster on me.  They concentrate and forget the clock and suddenly two hours have passed and finally their masterpiece is complete!  But, despite the lengthy tasks I present, people continue to play because I am so damn fun!  Unlimited money?  What about my maps which have literally unlimited funds?  Sure you cannot let your park rating drop below 700, but just hire an obscene amount of handymen and the problem is solved!  And you wanna talk about an extra excitement factor, I’ve got you by tenfold.  You may be able to let animals loose and eat guests, but I allow a devious mastermind to build a lunch roller coaster that flies out of the station platform at 80 miles and hour and fly off the track and into the hour before falling and crashing into the turf.  Also you can drown people, so much fun!

Winner: Zoo Tycoon by a yard.  Both games are excellent, but zoo tycoon is just more entertaining and offers you the ability to build up your park/zoo for longer.

#4 Funnier Ferrell Flick: Step Brothers or Anchorman

Argument by Step Brothers:

It's Shark Week!

I bring to the table such memorable quotes as, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will kick you repeatedly in the balls, Gardocki”, “I’m not calling him dad, ever.  Not even if there’s a fire!”, “I like it!”, “I’m burying you”, “I have a belly full of white dog crap in me, and now you lay this shit on me?”, and “Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I’m looking good, got a luscious v of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro. She takes one look at me and goes ” Oh my god, I’ve had the old bull now I want the young calf” and she grabs me by the weiner.”  I have given more laughs to teenage guys than I know what to do with.  I’m an instant classic in the comedy world.  More than anything, I’m funnier because Will had the opportunity to master his craft before applying it to me.  Anchorman?  Hahaha, you’re a first draft!  I’m Will’s masterpiece, his coup de grace, his swan song.  Nothing will ever top me!

Argument by Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy:

Ron plays Jazz flute

Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I’ve just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you, to stop what you’re doing and listen….Step Brothers is a loser!  You call yourself a classic, when did you come out?  2008?  I have survived in the gauntlet of comedy movies for 4 years longer.  I have provided such quips as ” Sweet Lincoln’s mullet”, “By the Beard of Zeus”, “Antony and Cleopatra!”, “I’m in a glass case of emotion”, “You’re not Ron”, and “Dorothy Mantooth is a Saint!”.  My cast beats out yours by tenfold.  I mean the guy who played Derrick was a nice addition, but aside from Father Will and J.C.R. you’re nothing.  I have Father Will, Paul Rudd, Steve Carell, Vince Vaughn, Luke Wilson, Christina Applegate, Fred Willard, Seth Rogan, and Ben Stiller.  Bow to me, for I am the almighty work of Father Will.  He created me to be his greatest theatrical achievement and I shallst be it!

Winner: Anchorman’s cast gives it the upper hand and more quotable lines brings it through to a two step victory.

#3 More Hate-able: Duke or Kentucky (basketball)

Argument by Duke:

We don't believe in sidelines in Durham

How can you not hate us? We’re always winning which is the first criterion for a team to be “hate-able”.  We have the best arena to play college basketball in if you’re us.  Immediately the opposing team walks in and the student section which is literally on the court begins screaming as if they didn’t earn 4.0+ g.p.a’s in high school.  Dick Vitale is all over our dick.  He talks us up even when we aren’t playing, so that’s pretty neat and probably a little frustrating.  Our coach is a rat who likes to get the ear of refs and earn us multiple calls which are clearly bullshit and he’s also very ugly.  Maybe we forgot to mention that he’s the winningest coach in men’s history!  Yeah, we pretty much got it all going for us here in Durham, North Carolina.  I mean the fact of the matter is that the analysts don’t hype up any team more than they do Duke.  We got all those ESPN boys and even the CBS guys wrapped in our hands and we squeeze them and squeeze them as they gasp for air and we allow it only because they promise to talk us up and makes us feel better about ourselves.  Yeah, we’re pretty awesome.

Argument by Kentucky:

And we're techinically responsible for this atrocity (the dance)

Excuse me, Duke…you say you are always winning?  Did it cross your cranium that y’all are goin’ up against the winningest program in D-1 basketball?  We hear your Cameron Indoor and we raise you Rupp Arena.  Hell, we just proved that we can beat them Tar Heel boys at home, unlike y’all.  We’re definitely bigger douches than you, I mean we get the best recruits year after year…must be frustratin’ for y’all others out there.  Shoot, I mean we reload year after year after year.  Best part about our school is that we ain’t no highfalutin group of lawyers and doctors to be who act like civilized bastards, nah.  We redneck and blue collar folk we enjoy a good hardwood tussle from time to time.  Our fans are true fans who come to the game not because they got the money, but because they got pride in their Wildcats.  So afore you keep up with yer attitude, I’ll tell you something, we are the more hated team.  We got winning and recruiting on our side and every school hates the winners and recruiters.

Winner: Duke by a three paces.  Maybe not as close as some may have expected, but the layout of Cameron Indoor (while awesome) and the ugliness of Coach K and constant complaining to the refs put Duke over the top.

#2 Worse Fate: Burning Alive or Drowning

Argument by Burning Alive:

I was going to use a burnt corpse...you're welcome for just fire.

It is pretty hot to be engulfed in flames.  I mean I know that I’m burning alive, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t know.  It’s suck.  I mean even just touching a lukewarm pan causes a shock to go down your spine.  Grasp the edge of a fresh-out-of-the-oven brownie pan and it’s au revoir to any use of hand.  If you get burned, it makes going in water painful.  I add to the experience of being in water, a decent argument I s’pose.  It’s beside the point to say burning alive would be painful, but dear lord the amount of time it lasts would be excruciating.  Just think, the fire has to burn through your clothes which will burn you.  Then burn through your flesh.  Subsequently, the fire burns you insides until they are roasted enough that you die when they fail.  I mean it’s a long process.  The whole time you’re running around screaming and making a scene.  Waking people up and they’re getting annoyed and suddenly you aren’t just burning alive but you’re the most hated guy in the neighborhood.  Painful, long death added to public humiliation?  Check-mate.

Argument by Drowning:

Muhahaha...fear me!

Impressive, Burning Alive.  You played some nice tricks and used some verbal Tom foolery to try and gain an upper hand, but alas I am here to stay.  Ask a person how they wouldn’t want to die and one more than likely mutters my name.  I am world renowned as the worst way to die.  I am utilized in more horror movies than I can count, plus I’m the only way to kill Jason Voorhees.  You talk about pain, what’s worse than knowing your dying and not being able to do anything about it?  When drowning there is no chance of survival.  When on fire, maybe a fireman arrives to douse you with his hose.  I feel as if I am slowly sucking the air from your lungs and then spilling my deathly clear liquid down your throat and into your lungs.  You can feel the teeny tiny amounts of Oxygen, but they run out before allowing you to even squander any breath.  Slowly you drift into the abyss to be lost forever, a forgotten member of society who hath met his fate at the hands of the infamous and nefarious Drowning.  Just my name makes people think of their worst life experiences.  Being stuck under the raft or being held underwater by  an older sibling as you try desperately to breathe.  I am feared!

Winner: burning alive by a half-step due to the heat.  It has to be so hot!  Plus it leaves your body all gross…disgusting.

#1 Better Wicked Song: “For Good” or “Defying Gravity”

Argument by “For Good” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQJaZO2nfGg

"For Good"

I am the finale of the musical.  Musicals aren’t written so the best song is directly before intermission.  It’s a fact that the finale is always the biggest anthem from a musical and, sorry baby while I love you, that’s me.  I am just emotion poured out.  Both Elphaba and Glinda release every once of spirit they have for this parting song.  I am enough to make a grown man cry and a teenage girl weep.  The opening words by Glinda just bring the wholesome message I preach to the world.  I am about emotion and love.  My message is clear and it is echoed throughout the world.  I may not be the most well known song, but popularity is beside the point.  I am an anthem and no one can deny that when Miss Elphaba and Miss Glinda begin to belt my lyrics toward the crowd all withheld passion is released.  Finally, the duet at the end is something you, my dear friend, cannot copy for your song focus primarily on Elphaba whilst I allow both stars to shine brightly on my stage.  I love you, Def, but unfortunately you are not the better song.

Argument by “Defying Gravity” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmWiwh8Ap2M&feature=fvst

Elphaba literally defying gravity

I know what you say when the finale is written to be the best song, but our musical is different…unique perhaps.  I did not become the most well known and popular song from Wicked without justified cause.  I am the definition of an anthem which you so fervently describe yourself as.  I boom and everyone knows when I am about to be played.  I’m world renowned and loved.  People anticipate my playing whenever they enter the music hall for a performance.  They sit on the edge of their seat throughout my playing until Elphaba blasts that last high note and the orchestra stops.  Then I wait patiently as I receive my standing ovation.  I may not feature your duet, but you do not have the booming command that I do. Who wants to hear Glinda sing anyway?  Elphaba is the star and she should get to take the lead in the real anthem of the play.  Finally, you talk about the message you send?  My message is one of independence; of breaking free from the fetters of society and creating one’s own life and not letting the man or the world bring you down.  That is a true message, my friend.

Winner: Defying Gravity takes it by the slimmest of margins, a single millimeter.  Both songs are fabulous and they both just make me get all giddy inside.  Defying takes it only because I love the high note Elphaba hits at the end and I love when Elphaba speaks the line “And nobody in all of Oz, no wizard that there is or was is ever going to bring me” and then belts with all her might, “DOWN!”

So there you have it.

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One thought on “9 Debates not for the Faint of Heart

  1. Very interesting points you have observed, thank you for putting up.

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