Santa is a Super Villian
Christmas was a holiday born due to Jesus being born. For some of you who may not know who Jesus is I have taken the liberty of posting the Wikipedia link for him: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jesus. Christmas is one of the few holidays which is celebrated simultaneously around the globe. It is a special time of year which brings people together and really extricates true feelings and emotions from people. A brief tidbit, Christmas Day is frequently the year’s most suicidal day.
Honestly what is more exciting than running down in the morning in order to find your presents under the tree which Santa hath left conveniently when he came over to theft milk and cookies….clearly though Claus comes out the loser in an unbalanced trade.
You then engage in tearing about wrapping paper and leaving it for your parents (or guardian) to tidy up. Nothing for a child is more exciting, but it is this breeding of present hungry, Santa-high, spoiled brats which has completely obliterated the true hero of Christmas. No longer is Christmas about 8 pounds 6 ounce, new born infant Jesus who doesn’t even know a word yet. Instead, this jolly fat guy with his cherry nose and wide rump has taken over as Christmas’s champion. Little did you all know, Santa is also the world’s biggest super villain. He has completely taken Baby Jesus and thrown him aside and sat on the throne of Christmas. If you need proof, look at the way Christmas is portrayed in today’s media. Christmas movies today have two things in common: 1) they rarely if ever focus on Jesus now’a’days, but rather everything involves Santa Claus and 2) They are all God awful. The closest thing I have seen in a show about Christmas which makes Jesus more important in some way than the fat guy is an episode of Scrubs (look it up yourself). Christmas has become another victim to Americanization. Everything is turned to commercialism and how can who make sure we sell enough? Look next time you’re driving and see if you observe more Nativity scenes or blow-up Santas. I’m no gambler, I’m actually quite thrifty, but I’m more than willing to bet you saw at least twice as many Santas. I mean there are people who put up multiples of those blown up big guys, hundreds even.
Now, don’t think I’m knocking the idea of giving gifts on Christmas. While the tradition has a role in desecrating the Jesus segment of the holiday, it is far too deeply ingrained in our society. The gift giving honestly is not a problem. It reinforces one of the happier and more important messages of the Christmas season. Honestly, Christmas is supposed to be a time that brings out the best of people and giving and sacrificing certainly buttresses this adage. It is the way we have built up the presents which has so adversely affected our mindset when it comes to Christmas’s meaning. As I have already stated (but will reiterate) we have made Santa Claus into a champion of all children. When a kid thinks of Christmas, it isn’t about Jesus’s birth. The birth of Jesus probably falls below not only Christmas presents from under the coniferous tree from the jolly old soul, but also presents from Grandma and Grandpa and anything else involving getting. Christmas is the one holiday which has had it’s true meaning completely altered by the consumerist society which we have created and Santa is the evil emperor behind the usurpation of the Christmas Throne. He has katana-ed our minds to a greater degree than anyone can imagine with his hefty influence on our heart’s greatest desire: gluttony. We all want to gain, especially the things we want most. Santa has made this possible through his magical reindeer and elves and shit. He’s done this through a sheer brilliant tactic. He has attacked our minds when we are young which causes us to grow up with the image of him in our mind. Then as we grow, we seem to think that Santa no longer exists and begin to give in to his genius plan by placing our own children’s gifts under the tree so that they too can become infected with the idea of Santa and this his empire over Christmas grows to extraordinary levels. Much like the devil, Santa’s greatest ploy has been convincing the world (the world of adults) that he doesn’t exist because it allows him to remain atop the Christmas totem pole. He remains unchallenged, for who would attack someone who doesn’t exist? Laughing on his gigantic and clearly black throne with pointy spikes reaching out from it and fire blazing in the background. Oh, that also explains something else, Santa’s inferno is why the polar ice caps are melting and polar bears are drowning and starting to become extinct! So he’s like a double asshole.
Santa has been free to invade our consciousnesses unchallenged and perches upon Jesus’s Christmas throne as the messiah is locked in a prison cell directly beneath the throne with only a little window to peer at of which is placed directly between Santa’s feet and also the cage has a vent which allows Santa to relieve his farts directly into Jesus’s cell causing the savior much hardship, but I am asking for your aid. We must take down the usurper and place Baby Jesus back atop the Christmas world! It will be a challenge unlike any other that we have faced, true believers, but I firmly believe that if we all work together we can do it. Santa cannot hope to resist our frontal assault. Besides, everyone knows the Super Villain has to lose.