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The Lord of the Rings Villains are the Worst

When one watches a movie multiple times, he or she often notices little things within the movie which doesn’t make much sense at all.  Examples would include how what happens to the Libyans in Back to the Future, why Darth Maul loses all coherent ability to move in Star Wars: Episode One-The Phantom Menace, why the Wicked Witch of the West keeps water around when she’s deathly allergic to water, and how Megan Fox’s pants stay white throughout all of Transformers 2.

For being in the desert for a few hours? Wihte.

  For the past couple of days, I have watched the Lord of the Rings trilogy for the nth time and I finally realized two of the biggest baddest villains are inept and could’ve saved us hours of watching elves and dwarfs bicker back and forth about who has killed more evil doers, Aragorn’s obnoxious love stories, and basically anytime when there isn’t fighting going on within the series.  The two are the infamous Witch King and then the top guy Sauron.  Let’s begin with the Witch King.

The Witch King of Angmar is perhaps the biggest badass in Middle Earth.  He cannot be killed be any man, has a sweet mace that he kinda just flails around in circles around when it can crush a shield in a single blow, a helmet with far too wide a mouth opening, and rides out on a dragon which would rule Jurassic Park.  However, the Bastard Son of Sauron has two weaknesses: 1) he far too much enjoys the “you’re totally dead” line and 2) he is blind.  You may not believe that this is true, but watch as he is fooled by the bassist of Drive Shift:  I have trouble seeing people who lean out from under a hiding place in order to throw cabbage too, so I cannot completely blame the big guy for messing up.

Bane of the Witch King

Had the Ringwraith overlord had simply opened the eyes we are too assume he has, then the trilogy would have ended because the villains would have the ring and Sauron would come back and absolutely murder the globe, but most importantly it would have saved me hundreds of hours in the combined time it has taken me to watch these goddamn movie thirty times apiece.  Sigh, oh Witch King….Let’s move onto Sauron.

We end up being left with absolutely no choice but to believe that Sauron had his anteater mask crafted at the same place the Witch King had his BBC mask smelted…but I digress.  Sauron was supposedly the most powerful man in the universe.  He literally walked onto the battlefield and people started dying.  He stands seemingly around 15 feet tall (from toes to ridiculously looking helmet’s top)  and wields only a single mace which sends multiple warriors flying with every swing.  Also, he can only be killed via cutting off his finger and was the first to suggest nondiscrimination in Middle Earth.  Unlike the Witch King, Sauron makes two absolutely ridiculous mistakes which lead to his ultimate undoing.  First (but really second) he allows Gollum to just kinda saunter out of Mordor following the poor little guy’s torturing.

Shire! Baggins!

Gollum is the one intelligent being in Middle Earth which knows how to enter Mordor, but instead of placing him in Mordor dungeon or even you know killing the little imp, he just shrugs it off with a “fuck it” and let’s him go free.  I mean what are the odds that Gollum finds Frodo and leads him into Mordor?  Well, the odds would probably be slimmer if Gollum was fettered underneath Barad-dur or you know dead.  Sauron apparently decided to build up his alchemy and smithing, but regrettably his intelligence and strategy were sacrificed.  Shame…even worse than the Gollum debacle was the ultimate mistake of an story ever.  Sauron decided to get a little handsy.  I’ll bring back the video clip from earlier and show exactly I mean.  If you fast forward to 1:37 you’ll notice Sauron reaches out toward Isildur in order to….taunt?

Please, don't swing your sword:)

I mean if you’re Sauron, what is going through your head?  If you had literally placed all of your livelihood and power into a ring, would you not protect it?  Would you place it directly into the line of fire for Isildur to slice?  Had Sauron decided not to literally give the enemy the only opportunity to end the battle and defeat him, not only would the series have ended, but Bilbo, Frodo, Gandalf, Aragon, Legolas, Gimli, etc would not have even existed.  He would have taken over Middle Earth.

In Conclusion: Sauron and the Witch King of Angmar utterly blow at being super villains.  Frodo and Samwise did more to end the war for the villains than those two by bringing the ring into Mordor and giving the enemy as many opportunities to recover the artifact as they did because they sure as hell weren’t capable of doing it themselves.

POTATOES!! boil 'em mash 'em stick 'em in a stew.


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One thought on “The Lord of the Rings Villains are the Worst

  1. TBrosevelt on said:

    This was hysterical.

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