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Diagnosing the Trippiest Super Bowl Ad: 2012

Every year I see one commercial which causes head scratching on what the marketers from that company was smoking whilst developing said commercial.  This year’s winner is Kia for their commercial for the new Optima.

Featuring Adriana Lima

The commercial opens with a man who is clearly a serial rapist stepping out from a closet. (the ridiculously obnoxious and even a little eerie song in the background gives no aid to this man’s cause).

How does this not scream rapist?

The counterproductive nature of this commercial begins with this opening scene as the serial rapist brought only thoughts of Jerry Sandusky to my mind; although, we must appreciate that Kia reminds us all monsters do still reside in closets.  Anyway, the rapist (from here on known as Jerry) is carrying what at first appears to be a scrumptious and clearly over-sized bag of popcorn that goes by the brand name of “Sweet Dreams”.  We then assume Jerry is not only a rapist but also enjoys watching his victim’s sleep before liftoff.  Now you’re about 3 seconds into this commercial (remember, the human brain works swiftly).  We than see the man is actually pint-sized which only frightens a viewer more because he could hide in a variety of places the average human being would not consider seeing as how the average human being could not hide in such a place.

Where does the hawk look? He looks in the attic. He looks in the celler. He looks everywhere he would hide.

He tiptoes without the victims even rolling over as they pick up his paces in their sleep.  His stealth rating is clearly through the roof.  We then see he is stirring what is no longer considered popcorn by this author.  Jerry then stares creepily at what we find out is a woman.  He then pulls out his spoon from the mystery bag and reveals it is some advanced form of flunitrazepam.  Jerry sprinkles his fairy dust over the female victim.  We then find the flunitrazepam is also a hallucinogen.

And thus we learn "Sweet Dreams" is slang for rohypnol.

Jerry then switches sides after what we can only assume was a lengthier amount of time as he must’ve given the female the old Stradlater.  We see Jerry enjoys swinging from both sides of the plate as he creeps over to a snoozing male (increasing his sneak to a vaunted 87).  He then trips and spills the magical drug all over the male victim.  Jerry rises, distraught at the lost of so much valuable rohypnol.  The commercial then switches gears from the creepy rapist to the super hawt Adriana Lima waving a checkered flag.

I thought Adriana deserved a second picture

Perhaps now is not the best time to mention that the checkered flag symbolizes the end of a race whilst the Kia is just starting…also Kia’s aren’t even a part of the NASCAR circuit.  Adriana then disappears for an extended amount of time as Kia brings back the “What the F**K” mindset.  We see the male victim driving the Optima and visible through the driver’s side window is what appears to be a Ferris Wheel.  Unfortunately, Kia disappoints and it turns out to be Mötley Crüe playing some music.  Also, one notices for the first time the music track has shifted to a fast paced rock anthem obviously trying to implant thoughts of speed not just visually but also musically as well.  After a brief yawn, the creepiness returns to the commercial as the lead singer of Mötley Crüe is shown.

Not quite on par with Jerry.

We then realize the male victim is the protagonist of this saga going on during his sodomy and the singer is the antagonist.  Thankfully, we are mistaken as Kia does not attempt to follow this storyline.  Rather they flash to somewhat less attractive women than Adriana in what is clearly the male victim’s harem.  We then meet the right-hand man of the protagonist.  His skill set seems to be completely made up of wrangling rhinos, which is far less useful than it seems.  We then flash to Jerry rubbing his magical rape dust off the male victim’s face.  Obviously he realized the street value is worth the risk of rousing the man and giving away his presence.  Kia then decides to change angles and gives us two lumberjacks sawing away at a sandwich with far too many vegetables.  Why would someone even want a sandwich so large?  He couldn’t even finish it before the bread went stale which in the end is a waste.  One of the sandwich workers gives a weird thumbs up to our protagonist and the protagonist’s smirk leads us to believe they have a preexisting, sexual relationship.

He has a thing for white collar men.

Then Chuck Liddell kicks a guy’s head and it explodes in a ball of fire.  Once again Kia n00bs because Liddell’s nickname is the iceman and thus having hiss fearsome kick end in a fiery explosion is disappointing.  We return to Jerry who gives up on retrieving any more rape dust and goes to purchase some more.  The male victim then decides to crash his car into the wall.  Usually this is a mistake, but we are unaware that crashing a Kia Optima into the wall does not result in a crash and eventual last place finish, but actually sends you into the mind of your wife.

As such...

The wife is pissed as her Spanish lover’s horse is spooked by the car crashing into the dream realm (as is the only proper response).  The horse bucks and she is thrown off.  Luckily, our protagonist has the same mutant ability as Nightcrawler and catches the female victim before she hits the ground and receives a concussion in the best case scenario.  The Spaniard is disappointed to see his American girlfriend be whisked off by this cheating bi-sexual, but the smile of the female victim in the car at the commercial’s conclusion reveals she was actually a damsel in distress who was  kidnapped by the Spaniard and saved by our bi-sexual, lumberjack-enjoying protagonist.  The commercial ends with the tagline “a dream car for real life” and one is left wondering who would buy a car which causes you to become a victim of a creepy serial rapist who drives around in a circle while girls are kept behind a impassable fence while the only company inside the walls are two lumberjacks, a rhinoceros riding sidekick, and Mötley Crüe, and your wife will be kidnapped by Spaniards and the only way to get her back is to drive your Optima through a wall and enter a dream land where nothing seems to exist except you two and a road.  Adriana isn’t even in this new dream dystopia….good job, Kia.

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