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6 Mysteries I Could never solve about Pokemon Red/Blue Version(s)

I don’t know what kind of childhood you had if you didn’t play Pokemon…well actually, I know you distinctly lacked a childhood.  These games have become classics  and probably have a Japanese following that we Americans cannot even begin to comprehend.  It all started back in 1997 when Pokemon released cartridges for its Red and Blue versions on Gameboy.  Thus began the Pokemon revolution and it is something young adults and teens today would count among their favorite activities.  These games, however, were far from perfect as there were a few things which confused me.  I now pass my confusion on to you.

#6 Why is Zubat everywhere?

I know what Zubat does that is so annoying, but I’m curious why it had to be Zubat?  I mean if it weren’t for the one problem which has turned Zubat into enemy number one for any player in the game, I might consider catching one every once and again in my campaign.  But then again, there is that problem…

Wild Zubat Appeared….F**k, how many are there?!?!

He is everywhere, and I have always been curios why Zubat is in every goddamn corner in every goddamn cave in the game.  Is it just one Zubat that keeps fluttering around, annoying the living hell out of anyone who passes through Mt. Moon or Rock Tunnel?  Does he just keeping coming back for more?  I mean God forbid that I get through Mt. Moon in a reasonable amount of time.  Absolutely not.  This creature of the night is here to make sure you’re tardy to Cerulean.  One just closes his eyes and suddenly hears the screech and immediately face palms in frustration.  It is understandable that Zubat lives in caves and that it will appear in caves, but it is absolutely not acceptable that Zubat appears every second of game play.

Why did we do this to everyone? We’re sorry.

Zubat is the omnipresence of Pokemon and it is impossible to comprehend how or why Zubat is so ubiquitous, but alas, he’ll beat you down.  And Zubat always wins, because he isn’t trying to defeat you in battle, no, Zubat wears you down psychologically until you have absolutely no will to continue and you end up running from Zubat every time because you’re in the middle of Mt. Moon and you’re level 20 Pikachu ran out of Thundershock back when you found Mega Punch after defeating that rocket in the secret level.  If running counted against your record in the game, everyone’s winning percentage would be .00005% against Zubat.

All with no eyes, nonetheless.

#5 Where do people get Pokemon not found in the game?

Just think way back to when you battle the guy in Brock’s Gym in Red.  After you kick away his sandshrew and diglett he’ll tell you something about light years being measurements of distance and not time or something?

Multiple light years? Someone didn’t pass 5th grade Science.

Anyway, this is all beside the point.  The fact of the matter is this guy has a Sandshrew…in Red Version!  Wake up, San Francisco!  That little fella, whilst a badass, cannot be found in Red Version.  Instead we get Ekans…oh joy!  But where did this guy find a Sandshrew?  Did he trade for it?  They don’t even sell Sandy at the game corner.  This guy needs to let me in on his secret, pronto.  I mean the people with Charmander, Bulbasaur, Squirtle and their evolutions?  Please, do tell!  I’m on a need to know basis, so whenever you get around to it.  Or what about you, Lance Dragon Master?  that’s a fancy Aerodactyl you have there.  Bet you didn’t know he’s extinct.  And don’t give me that Old Amber nonsense, that’s a cop out!  Or you, random guy in Silph Co. who was kind enough to give me a Lapras.  Where did you acquire this honking battleship?  I want my own, for Pete’s sake!  Someone tell me where I get these Pokemon that cannot be found in the game!  I have caught 127 of the goddamn Pokemon and cannot get the rest and get my goddamn diploma from Professor Oak for being a Pokemon Master!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

#4 How does Diglett use scratch and how does Dugtrio perform Slash?

It is easy to accept most moves in Pokemon.  Like Rhydon being able to learn surf or Tauros learning fire blast, but there is one which is utterly mind-blowing.  Here is your average Diglett:

It’s definitely a nose, not a mouth with a tooth…

As you can see, it is without claw or even an arm.  How does the thing use a move catch scratch?  I mean I s’pose they expect Diglett to scratch with it’s head.  Now, they already have a move called headbutt, why not just have Diglett learn that move?  It would save me the confusion and the Pokemon people the embarrassment of this entire debacle.  Okay, now here is your average Dugtrio:

Why would a mouth cause a shadow? Forsure a nose…

Once again, no arms or claws.  And now there are three!  I mean if they are using their heads, which one gets the pleasure of head-slashing the victim for what will end up being a huge amount because slash is far too powerful in this game and has way too high of a critical hit ratio…it’s literally like every turn.  But it is literally incomprehensible.  Looking back, this should have been #1 because it is the most unfathomable and ridiculous concoction in Pokemon.  Diglett..using scratch…fusk logic, let’s just do it!!!

#3 How do Magneton, Dugtrio, and Weezing work?

The Trio of Trios

I feel like I’m picking on the poor Diglett line here, but seriously it’s just a messed up family.  Think of Magneton, Dugtrio, and Weezing.  What are they?  They’re just three of their earlier forms stuck together.  The brains behind Pokemon either got really tired or really careless with these dudes, because if you take a magnemite, diglett, and koffing and glued it to two of its kin, you’d have the evolution.  I mean at least Weezing has those little bars connecting that poor unfortunate Weezing which seems to never get air time.  I mean Dugtrio and Maneton are barely even connected if at all.  You might as well take three Pikachu and drawn them together and call if Piktrio.


I’m sorry to have had distracted you with that crazy awesomeness.  Could you imagine Piktrio in Super Smash Bros?  Pikachu is already ferocious.  Now I’m just asking for trouble.  Anyway, I mean seriously, why do the Dugtrio all act like a single unit?  In Pokemon Stadium, they actually tunnel underground at different times.  This makes more sense, but completely obliterates the point of calling it an evolution.  Pikachu gets more powerful when more are around.  “When more than one gather, they can cause lightning storms”.  One would expect the same from multiple Digletts, but why even call it Dugtrio then and not just multiple Digletts?  Magneton is just magnemites together.  All we ask for, Pokemon is a little creativity from you on all evolutions.  It’s too late to fix it now.  I cannot imagine a world without Dugtrio looking the way he does, but next time I’d like you to at least make him a different color or something.

#2 How would a Wigglytuff exist in the wild?

It’s a simple concept in Pokemon: you walk around, run into Pokemon, and try to catch them.  It’s no shocker that different Pokemon would be found in different spots.  I wouldn’t want to meet a wild Staryu in Rock Tunnel and Caterpie hardly belongs on the Seafoam Islands.  One wild Pokemon, however, should not exist:


Yes, it’s Wigglytuff.  The quite unimaginatively designed and named evolution of Jigglypuff.  Wigglytuff can only be obtained in two fashions in Red/Blue version.  First, you can catch a Jigglypuff and evolve it with a moonstone.  Secondly, you can catch one in Cerulean Cave.  Wait..hoe did Wigglytuff get there?  I mean there is an infinite amount of Wigglytuffs just walking around in this cave.  It really makes me wonder if there is just a large cache of moonstone hidden deep within Cerulean Cave where Jigglypuffs venture in order to reach their new stage.  Jigglypuffs are just sauntering up to these precious stones and grabbing one for its own selfish gain in order to become a Wigglytuff.  Seriously, I want in.  Those moonstones might only be worth pocket change to the department store, but they are invaluable to anyone collecting Pokemon.  I’d take those suckers to Saffron and auction them off for $1,000 apiece and accept my haul.  If there is no hoard of moonstone then there is no excuse for the plethora of Wigglys in Cerulean Cave.  Either that, or trainers get the short end of the stick and Jiggly can evolve via leveling, but only in the wild.  It’s like how orca fins stay straight up in the wild but flail to the side in captivity.  Anyway, Wigglytuff has absolutely no business being around and I want an answer from someone who is either 1) a huge nerd or 2) highly involved in Pokemon to tell me how Wigglys are walking around Cerulean Cave like they own all of Goddamn Kanto.

#1 How do wild Pokemon level up?

I accept the way leveling up working in Pokemon.  A character gains experience in battle which allows it to get bigger, faster, stronger, and the like.  I am just a little curious how wild Pokemon are higher levels in different places?  Is it something in the air?  Zubat in Mt. Moon is not as strong as Zubat in Rock Tunnel.  Do those Zubats have a better diet?  Or are the wild Pokemon just in an eternal struggle with each other to gain experience by pounding each other like some kind of barbaric free-for-all?  Or do they just wait for all the unfortunate trainers to come along and then smash their little buggers into fine powder in order to become stronger?

Oh, now I understand!

It seems unlikely when no one ever loses to the wild pokemon.  When was the last time you blacked out to level 5 Caterpie in Viridian Forest?  Seriously, those guys in Cerulean Cave are like level 50 and such.  Are these like superpowerful Pokemon who when born are immediately sent forth to Cerulean Cave in order to guard Mewtwo’s lair?  Is Mewtwo the sovereign ruler of all the Pokemon world and he has access to the strongest and most brutal of his peoples in order to place them at his doorstep as guardians against any unwanted trespassers?  Has Mewtwo enslaved the rest of Pokemon kind and now they must perform his every will or he shall slaughter them and all their kin until they have gone extinct to the epochs?  Is this why there are no Aerodactyls left?

Damn you Phillip Bartlett, you bastard!

Or are these just your average Pokemon who have battled against one another for millennia and have gained so much experience they are higher than that trio of Digletts you have in your party which ran through Blaine, Giovanni, and the Elite Four on your way to being crowned the Pokemon League Champion!  Please, someone tell me!  I’m at your mercy, Pokemon nerd.  And I need you!


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One thought on “6 Mysteries I Could never solve about Pokemon Red/Blue Version(s)

  1. nottelling on said:

    you forgot to mention one more incredibly insane thing that has NOT BEEN ANSWERED FOR FIVE GENERATIONS.
    would you like to know what it is?
    seriously, do they like, use their heads as propellers or something?

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