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8 “Lessons” You Were Unaware of in Kid’s Media

#8 Dragonball Z shows kids one has to be the strongest…physically:

Dragonball Z was my favorite show as a kid, so it really hurts me to include it on such a sarcastic list; nonetheless, I have to do what I must.  If there is one message this show utterly relays (aside from how much of a badass the antagonist Cell is) it’s that the only way to matter is to be the absolute strongest guy in the universe.  The people who don’t train physically in order to fight off bad guys are ultimately sucked dry or turned into candy.

I just hope the flavor changes.

It is most obvious in the character of Gohan.  His absolutely obnoxious mother Chi-Chi is set on Gohan becoming a scholar, but in the end the show only portrays Gohan as important when he is defying his mom and following Goku’s orders to kick some ass.  The reason the show is so awesome is because of the non-stop fighting.  This intense (like a carnival) perpetual action does have the usually unnoticed downside of telling kids that learning and school doesn’t matter.  The only way to become the badasses that Goku, Vegeta, etc. are is to train for hours on end until you have developed enough muscle that you appear on those ridiculous ads on the computer with the tagline “girls love him, guys hate him”.

#7 Mario wants us to know that love isn’t always as important as the scorecard.

Mario may not quite be the hero you think after this little, obviously stupid, argument.  We all know that Mario is a blue-collar hero that continuously saves Peach from the evil turtle king Bowser.  He does this for simple pocket change which somehow is stuffed inside of little blocks, but is dislodge simply by knocking one’s skull into the brick.

Only if they have been imprinted with a ?

Mario, however, was first introduced way back in the day as rescuing Peach from a different character (one who becomes a protagonist when attending Mario Parties).  This character is of course the infamous Donkey Kong and his barrel throwing ability.  The fact of the matter is that the girl Mario was rescuing from the murderous monkey was his girlfriend at the time…Pauline.

Apparently she looked like this.

That’s right, Mario was in love with someone way before Peach.  Unfortunately for Pauline, it must’ve been a shallow relationship early in Mario’s life because she was never invited to Mario’s parties, to go karting, or to smash brothers.  It seems Mario soon moved off of Pauline and fell into love with Peach.  The relationship change does become a little suspicious when one considers the facts.  Mario was in love with Pauline enough to rush in against a amazingly large monkey who has can throw the shit out of barrels in order to rescue her.

If I get the right back spin, it’ll go down the right ladder.

He climbs ladders that have little fireball guys on them and eventually manages to free this girl…only to say bye-bye?  A little suspicious.  Let’s take a look on paper at the two biddies.  Pauline is the average citizen.  Sure, she may be a looker, but I mean she’s a brunette, c’mon.  Peach brings a lot more to the table.  She’s a princess which means she owns land, has a castle, and clearly would enable Mario to drop the little plumber act.  Also, she’s a blonde bombshell with a sexy voice.  Plus she can absolutely kick the hell out of people, proven in Super Smash Bros Brawl.  So, is this what Mario wants us to think?  That it is okay to ditch a girl who you love just because another girl offers a little more pocket-change and is a little prettier?  Such a hero…

#6 Rocket Power tells kids “just do whatever”:

No children from the current era get the honor of watching this show, but this nonsense is omnipresent.  I just like Rocket Power the best.  In this show, the four children (Reggie, Otto, Twister, and Sam) kinda just run around their town and do whatever the hell they want.  Now, there is a parental figure in the show.  Reggie and Otto’s dad Ray is the owner of this little joint, but seems to do a lot more smoking of other joints.  He rarely tells the kids “no” and they kinda just run around.  He speaks in that voice where you can honestly assume that he’s fucking high.  Also there is the Hawaiian Tito who is a philosophizer, surfer, and drug addict.

Nothing gets you as high as the waves on a sunny day…aside from this kilo of cocaine.

Tito may try to give life lessons, but in the end he’s just as invisible of a power figure as Ray.  Neither one of them ever keep the kids from doing anything.  They only rebuke the little fellas after they have destroyed the entire town.  Honestly, this show featured no parental control.  Any kid who watches this immediately would assume, “I can just go out and skateboard and surf and do whatever other nonsensical bullshit I want because it’s all in the name of good fun”.  And I quote.

#5 Cinderella wants everyone to know that it doesn’t matter as long as you’re incredibly hot:

A semi-quote there from Bo Burnham, but in all honesty it is completely true.  Bo might’ve said it for comedic value; however, it can be looked at as one of those funnier because it’s true bits.  Cinderella is a term which has become synonymous with an underdog.

The sexy blonde gets the guy…who’d have thunk!

One who comes from nowhere to steal away the heart of the Prince, but let’s revisit Cinderella’s competition (or the only competition presented by Disney).  Cinderella’s competition for the heart of the Prince is her bumbling step-sisters.  Her sisters are routinely presented as being unfortunate looking…which apparently makes them unworthy of marrying a prince?  Disney, how dare you!  This is a movie which has no doubt been watched by millions of little girls.  If we consider the world renowned scale of 1 to 10, that makes 5 average.  Through use of a bell curve, 1/2 of girls everywhere will grow up to be unfortunate looking.  That means Disney is preaching to half it’s audience “see ya later and God bless, you’re not good enough”.  The Prince could’ve chosen any girl he wanted to (I mean the Prince is a handsome fellow, so every girl would be dying to marry him, no matter his personality), but in the end he chooses the beautiful little blonde.  Who cares that she’s a maid in her stepmother’s house.  Who cares that she talks to mice and pumpkins.  And there is no reason to be angry about her running out during your dance together and arriving late to your party…those are just hot girl things to do.  All that matters is she’s sexy.  Thanks for the positive reinforcement for little girls everywhere, Walt.  Even when trying to create a beautiful tale about a young girl overcoming adversity you end up a douchebag, anti-Semite.

#4 Fairly Oddparents expresses there are no consequences, your “parents” fix everything:

I’m not going to pretend like I think Cosmo and Wanda are really Timmy Turner’s parents.  I mean they’re goldfish for heaven’s sake!  Clearly they’re only fairies granted to Timmy in order to fulfill his every desire without any regard for the lives of other people.  Now, we shall never forget about “Da Rules” book, but little Timothy nearly destroys the world on numerous occasions…I feel like destroying the world should be against “Da Rules”.  I do feel, however, that Fairly Oddparents teaches children that there is no need to consider the consequences of one’s actions because things can always be fixed with a little magic…literally.  Kids are not quite as intelligent as the main faction of adults.

Not all, but most

When they see how Timmy pretty much goes bananas on what he wants, they think, “I can do anything I want and just make one wish and shazam, I have it!”.  The problem comes when all our little Timmy Turners create havoc and discord among the human race and then realize, “Our parents will fix it”.  I’m not saying people will create mutant cockroaches that are set on taking over the world via nuclear holocaust, but kids could do stupid things and the Fairly Oddparents teaches that any mistake is revocable and it’s okay because my parents can fix everything just like Cosmo and Wanda!  Wrong, dudes, wrong.

#3 The Flintstones think slavery is okay:

I’m definitely a little hazy on my Flintstones knowledge, but I do recall rampant use of dinosaurs by the characters in order to perform simple tasks such as slicing bread (the greatest thing) and pooping.

Must…lift…boulder…for no…apparent,,,reason

Every time this characters are shown in their sinecures they say, “It’s a living” or something or the sort.  Wait a second…these animals can talk?  And they have knowledge of making a living?  Yet in the Flintstone universe dinosaur use for physical labor and other tasks is omnipresent and nowhere in the Bedrock record books do we see the exchange of currency in the direction of these dinosaurs in payment of their tasks.  In other words, these dinos are getting 1800 America-ed by the citizens of Bedrock.  That’s right ladies and gentlemen, slaves!  All the dinosaurs are slaves of the humans!  Fred, Barney, Mr. Slate, etc. they’re all slave owners who utilize these helpless and clearly naive citizens of the town to perform any tasks which are just too damn hard to do.  The Flintstones suppress the dinosaurs as lower class citizens, and why?  Because they lay eggs?  That’s just…wrong!!

#2 Pokemon encourages pets to be used as tools of war:

If the real world was Pokemon-esque, I think Micheal Vick would be the strongest of all, haha!  Get it?


Anyway, the fact of the matter is that all of Pokemon is based off of Pokemon fighting.  Sure there is the bond between pet and master, but that bond is only utilized so your little fella listens to your better when he’s going up against another little fella and its trainer.  It’s like buying a bunch of pit bulls and saying, “Go at it guys, I want to win prize money for you beating up the other doggie to the point where it has to be taken to a pet hospital!”  But no one would do that.


Also, this section isn’t even over, Pokemon inspires kids to think that by having the most powerful pet, you’re the big man on campus.  At one point Giovanni is like the Al Capone of the Pokemon world, but soon he’s overtaken by Ash Ketchum…and not because Ash is the kindest or is interested in freeing the world.  Ash is the king because he has the strongest Pokemon.  By allowing kids to watch this show you’re letting them think that only by having the biggest stick can you move up in the world.  It’s all about having the bigger weapon.  Who knew Pokemon was so…weird.

#1 Spongebob Squarepants teaches having money means one is successful

Spongebob Squarepants is a show I still watch to this day.  It is honestly an entertaining piece of nonsense.  Some speak of the homosexual innuendos between Spongebob and Patrick, but if they’re true then I’d like to congratulate the duo on finding true love.  They are a perfect pair and no one can deny it.  That subject, however, is not what I’m out to talk about.  Nor  am I interested in how Mr. Krabs daughter is a whale.

I’m hoping she takes after her mother.

I am interested in Mr. Krabs and his relationship with the show’s main antagonist Plankton.  Plankton and Mr. Krabs are rivals in the restaurant business.  In fact, their establishments face each other; only a stone’s throw away.  In the titanic struggle, Mr. Krabs has been shitting on Plankton since the word “go”.  It’s such a mismatch that Plankton  more time in the Krusty Krab attempting to steal the “secret formula” which is totally revealed in Spongebob’s Alzheimer’s episode.

Bun down, shoe, mustard…

Although I’m not here to talk about that…nor am I hear to talk about how Spongebob steals the recipe from his “friend” Mr. Krabs in order to open his “Pretty Patties” stand.  In the end, Plankton is jealous of Mr. Krabs because he makes money.  Not only that, but Mr. Krabs is obsessed with making money.  This little restaurant battle makes one thing obvious, the winner is the one with the larger bank account and anything should be done to make money.  Even to the point of making your employees miserable and spending countless hours working to the point of exhaustion.  Plankton also commits crimes in order to try and gain this same success.  He trespasses countless times and even attempts manslaughter (fish-slaughter?) a couple of times.  The feud between Plankton and Krabs expresses that the only way to be successful is to make money and there is no limit to what should be done in order to become successful and stay successful.


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