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6 More Status Topics No One Wants to Read

To quote the great Doc Holliday (played by Val Kilmer in the instant classic Tombstone) “My hypocrisy knows no bounds”.  I release upon the world the next generation in Facebook stati which attempt to cause me to remove myself from the Facebook universe despite Facebook’s divine status in my life.  There are probably a thousand times I’ve partaken in making these stati and for that I apologize because I’m sure they upset you as much as they upset me.  Their best use is for jokes later on and comments to oneself when no one else is around which of course bring about a snicker.  So here we go:

#6 Fantasy Football:

I know that I’ve tweeted about Fantasy Football.  This is because nothing is more frustrating than fantasy because it’s so much bullshit and you want everyone to know how much pain your fantasy team is and how you should be mauling the hapless on the regular but for some reason Matthew Stafford decided not to throw for 500 yards this week.

You screwed the pooch, Matthew

The problem is, everyone who reads your status or tweet about fantasy has one of the following three things going through his or her mind: 1) Shut the fuck up, fantasy is for nerds and who would even play it (wrong).  2) Hahaha, that sucks because I’m playing the person who has Matthew Stafford and it benefits me greatly that he is having a miserable time.  3) I too have Matthew Stafford and am also disappointed in his play.

Everyone, however, has one thought going through his or her head: I don’t give a rats ass about your fantasy team.  All three examples above would provide a different reason for the collective thought at the end, but it all comes down to people not really caring.  In the end, everyone is either too worried about his or her own team or not giving a flying hill of beans about fantasy; therefore, they do not want to know about your fantasy woes/successes.

#5 How much you miss home in college:

There are basic reasons why no one wants to read your status about missing home or friends or what have you…it’s because anyone who moves away from college will at some point missing something about one’s past life.  All your sad status has done is remind all of the college students you are friends with about mom’s homemade cooking, dad’s jokes at the dinner table, the dog’s cute antics, and the time spent with high school friends.

It looks just like my dog!! 😥

  We don’t hate your status because you’re saying you miss home.  We hate your status because we too miss home and now all you have done caused us to actively consider this loss.  Way to go, asshole, you’ve managed to sadden all 1,000 or whatever of your Facebook friends.

#4 How much better your college experience is:

There are obviously some colleges which are renowned for different things.  Ohio University is renowned for how it’s one hell of a party school.  Miami University of Ohio is renown for how many hot girls there are.  Ohio State is renowned for the size and different activities to partake in, and Brigham Young is renowned for being the worst party school in the country (Surprise!).  The problem is, while some schools are known more for some things than others, every school has the same shit.  OU may be the 3rd biggest party school in the country, but it would be naive to say no other college has parties.

Well….I mean within reason (pictured: OU’s Halloween Party)

To say there are no hot girls at schools other than Miami would be idiotic.  To say no other school has nothing going on besides BYU is ridiculous.  The fact of the matter is no matter how great you assume your school is, everyone else is having a phenomenal time at college.  Everyone is going out and drinking on the weekends and everyone is walking past a girl and calling her a “smokeshow” and everyone is saying, “We don’t believe in alcohol here”.

Sniffle, sniffle

I’m sure you’re having a great time at college, but this isn’t to say no one else is having the great time you are.  Just have your fun and relax, it’ll be okay if you don’t tell people about it.

#3 How hard college is:

Luckily I checked and I don’t have a Facebook status about how hard college is (Twitter results pending).  I have thus avoided the wrath of literally everyone on my timeline because the first thought which leaps into the mind of someone who reads a status about how hard your college life is would read something along the lines of “Give me a fucking break, my classes are so much harder and my schedule is so much shittier”.  Even if this person clearly has a better schedule, they immediately assume his or her schedule is nearing the difficulty level of that guy from 21or Jesse Eisenberg.

I’m substantially poorer than the character I portrayed.

I hate to say it, but unless you’re looking for a sarcastic comment, your status will probably be in vain and end up just making you hate someone who makes a sarcastic comment.  College is not high school and you’re the same person who complained about high school, so if a=b and b-c…..

#2 How much you wish you were back on senior trip:

Honestly, it was bad enough to see stati about how awesome senior trip was while you were on it, but at least back then you were making people jealous weren’t there.  At this point, these stati have just gotten sad.  Don’t get me wrong, I remember my senior trip fondly…and I actually kinda of remember yours fondly from all the stories I endured following your return.

Yeah, it was sweet…

Fear not, as soon as Spring comes around you can go back to Panama and have another great time and have a whole new experience to wish you were back to.  So I request the simple favor of being patient and just wait because Panama will be back before you know it!

#1 Your political views and other political nonsense:

Politics may be the worst shit ever.  I don’t care what you think about anything, so please don’t be a jackass and try to sound smart with your little witty comments about everything.  I don’t care what you have to say about Obama-Care.  I don’t even care if what you’re saying is something I agree with, please spare me.  No one wants to read your status about how “The Liberals are so stupid with their (insert liberal agenda here)”.  No one is curious to know if you think, “The conservatives are going to ruin America with their (insert conservative agenda here)”.   Just stop and vote when November comes around because that’s the most meaningful political stance you can make unless you’re actually planning on going into politics…in which case your statements and agenda mean nothing until you are actually running so leave Facebook alone.


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