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The awkward story of what the Joker did during the events of “The Dark Knight Rises©”

By now everyone should be aware of the plot of the Dark Knight Rises© and if you aren’t then you deserve to have it spoiled anyway.  So anyway, #SpolierAlert on this article.  The Dark Knight Rises (I’m done with that copyright nonsense….The Dark Knight Rises is copyrighted by Legendary Pictures studios and DC Comics or whatever)  basically follows the story line of this new terrorist guy named Tom Hardy running around and doing terrorist things whilst Batman (played by Thomas from Pocahontas) attempts to stop him and Catwoman is far hawter than the Princess Diaries.

Pictured: Tom Hardy as himself holding a photo of Harvey Dent

While there are quips and whatever and the villain is once again a total badass, there is obviously something missing which made the Dark Knightso great…it’s Heath Ledger as the Joker.  It’s a shame that Tom Hardy as himself could not be up to par with The Joker, but honestly no other character in history has been.  Following the movie, I could not help but wonder what the Joker was busy doing whilst Tom Hardy was going around and kinda nonsense.  I had to dig deep to uncover what I did, but I hope it satiates your appetite for knowledge the way it did mine.

Time to start taking things a little more seriously

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As one could assume, the Joker begins the movie in a tiny little cell in Blackgate Prison having been locked up as a member of the infamous “Den Act” of what apparently was 2004.  The Joker spent his free time in prison applying make-up and practicing new magic tricks.  Suddenly, word reaches him of this new character in Gotham which is spreading chaos.  At first the Joker is pleased, for he is an agent of chaos.

He is also a dog chasing cars

Suddenly, he realizes how little fun he is having with this need breed of chaos…when suddenly, Deus ex Machina!  Tom Hardy decides to release all the prisoners in Blackgate because that’s what’ll help Gotham survive is a bunch of criminals running around, killing, pillaging.  The Joker is freed with the remainder of these criminals.  The Joker is pleased to hear that Harvey Dent did indeed fall into madness by just his little push; however, he is bored with the this knowledge because it occurred eight years ago and that’s a long ass time to sit in seclusion in prison.  His first move is to go find a nice new purple suit to wear around because his last one became rather ragged over the past eight years and honestly is too tattered to be worn again.

Sigh, good times…and it was pinstriped!

He also picks up a deck of cards, some knives, and a pack of pre-sharpened pencils.  Ready to get back to the old ways, the Joker tries to find Tom Hardy.  Unfortunately, Tom Hardy was uninterested in letting the Joker become a member of his outfit and the only suitable position had already been filled by Robert Fischer.  Thus, the Joker needed to strike out on his own and with Thomas from Pocahontas trapped in the belly of the Sarlac, he decides to begin challenging Tom Hardy.  The Joker begins as he would’ve in the old days and begins buying off random people with money from seemingly nowhere and then killing them after they complete the job if they weren’t killed in the process.

Never forget…RIP Alarm Clown

Tom Hardy’s theories on a free Gotham have made this process much more difficult; therefore, the Joker realizes he’s going to have to begin challenging Tom Hardy more directly rather than just continue to rip off Tom Hardy’s underlings because it’s just not enough fun.  The Joker has to concoct one of his master plans which seem incredibly unpractical.

“Officer, yeah another bus is parked in the bank…literally in the bank…oops, it pulled in front of me, it’s probably okay.”

He decides the only way to have enough fun is to make himself a wanted man as he did with the mob and Batman in the previous movie.  The Joker begins by approaching a group of men who wish to see Bane taken down: Tom from 500 Days of Summer, ex-Commissioner Gordon, God, the creepy lady from Inception who no one should ever trust, and some random black guy with a big agenda and ego.

Example 1A

The Joker comes up with a proposition: he’ll kill Tom Hardy so long as after Tom Hardy is gone, he’s not placed back in Blackgate.  Commissioner Gordon becomes very upset they are dealing with this psychopath who nearly murdered a bunch of people on a ferry.  The Joker swiftly quips that those men were people who Gordon and Dent sentenced to prison under false pretenses….(much quicker than that).  He then insults an Asian man who is not present, saying he is a man who makes humiliating sounds.  The black guy with an agenda and ego gets upset.  The Joker makes an ill-advised joke about race and the black man rushes at him.  The Joker pulls another magic trick by making the pencil reappear in the black man’s temple.

Bane of African Americans in Christopher Nolan films.

The Joker makes a joke about his suit not being cheap despite it’s irrelevance at this time.    The Joker is then threatened by Tom, Gordon, God, and creepy lady from Inception who no one should ever trust.  He makes a witty escape by making a quip about the people getting a little hot-headed and having the sprinkles above them turn on.  Knowing soon Tom Hardy’s reign of terror will become too much for those bros to take, the Joker resumes doing little things to pass the time and make his life a little more acceptable.  After a few weeks, Gordon comes to him, telling him they have a deal.  The Joker goes to work attempting to find a way to kill Tom Hardy.  Finally The Joker gets his far too advanced plan together.  Unfortunately by the time he has completed the preparations, gathered the necessary man power, and worked out all he kinks, Batman has returned to fight Tom Hardy.  Wavering between glee and disappointment, the Joker decides to go watch the melee between the cops and criminals.  He watches as C.L.F.I.W.N.O.S.E.T. reveals herself to be on Tom Hardy’s side.  Starting to see the end nearing, The Joker prepares to aid Batman because dying in a nuclear explosion is not his definition of fun.  However, he sees Catwoman zooming down the street without Tom Hardy or C.L.F.I.W.N.O.S.E.T. realizing she is coming.  He laughs hysterically as Tom Hardy is blasted by Catwoman as she tries to appear as an important protagonist to this story.   The Joker is pumped to see that he will be able to renew his rivalry with Batman as soon as Batman disarms the nuke.  Batman goes off and does his shit with the exploding “Not-Batwing”.  The Joker realizes this life is not meant for him to have fun.  He decides to visit his favorite cafe in Florence one last time.  Whilst there, he notices Batman and Alfred.  He smiles to himself and pulls out his makeup bag.

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