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5 Reasons the Events of Taken 2 Would Never Happen:

Knowing the last movie I saw in theaters was the epically awesome and excruciatingly comic-bookish Dark Knight Rises, the follower had a lot to live up to.  I had never left a theater with a more testosterone flooding my soul than following Christopher Nolan’s finale to his Batman triumvirate.  The movie which received the call to try and follow The Dark Knight Rises was Liam Neeson’s overly-anticipated and also testosterone fueled drama Taken 2.  While Taken 2 (a true story based upon the life of Liam Neeson) certainly passed an hour and a half quicker than Failure to Launch (ugh), it also is filled with nonsense that cannot be overlooked (Spoilers are everywhere).

5)  If Liam is as protective as he seems, his daughter would never have traveled with only a friend to Europe at age 15…

Liam just kinda throws everything aside to go out and save his daughter from the damnable Albanians in the first movie.  It is true that many have not acquired the particular set of skills that Liam had and many would risk much (even life) to save an offspring; however, Liam is pretty much throwing life away in order to save his daughter.  He is so protective of his daughter that he tracks her down at her boyfriends house and pulls her away.

To be fair, Luke Grimes creeps me out too

Obviously this is following the events of Taken, but Liam hardly needs to overreact in such a fashion, but once again we will just chalk it up to Liam being overprotective of Kim.  Now we must wonder…why was this overprotective father keen to the idea of letting his 15 year-old daughter to travel to Europe with only another chick?  This guy won’t let his daughter visit her boyfriend without protruding, but vacationing to a foreign country unsupervised (and probably little training in the French language) with a friend is fair game?

To be fair, it wasn’t South America where these fuckers live.

Liam is almost creepily obsessed with his daughter (even in the beginning of the first movie), but he doesn’t mind placing her into a situation where so much shit could hit the fan?  This is just a simple observation, but the next few are backed up by a little more evidence.

4) The Albanians would not use 100 pounds of chains on Liam’s ex-wife and tie Liam up with the stuff used to secure children’s plastic toys in their boxes.

During the events of Taken 2, Liam’s wife Lenore is about to partake in one of the worst ways to die I’ve ever heard.  The Albanians make an incision on Lenore’s throat and hang her upside down so the blood will slowly drain out of her as it tries to rush to her head, but flows out of her incision.  Liam estimates it’ll take 30 minutes for her to bleed out (which is the second most undervalued opinion behind Tom Hardy saying it’ll take 5 months for the bomb to explode in The Dark Knight Rises).

I minored in nuclear physics

  The key is the Albanians use about 100 pounds of chains to hang Lenore upside down…seriously.  Unfortunately, Google is slacking and no good pictures are present for Lenore.  Liam’s shackles, however, are everywhere.

Regrettable

Since Liam clearly has the capabilities to murder all those Albanians in the last movie, one may assume the Albanians would assume Liam would need to be secured with better restraints than those used on your Buzz Light Year toy.  Liam is able to cut his fetters simply by rubbing them against a pole.  It is embarrassing the Albanians had to even go through the trouble of shackling him.  It would’ve been less humiliating if they had just put him in the cage and not attempted to restrain him.  At least then they could have avoided trying to show effort.

#3 Liam’s daughter doesn’t have her license…but she can direct a taxi through the most overly-dramatized car chase since The Italian Job.

Rarely is a 16 year-old forced to drive his or her father around Europe.  Even less often is one’s father a former spy.  Even less often is a 16 year-old forced to participate in a car chase.  This makes a 16 year-old having to drive his or her parent around who is an ex-spy throughout a car chase in Europe extremely avoidable…but not in Taken 2.  One point in the movie has Liam and his daughter (the already mentioned Kim) escaping from both bad guys and cops through the city streets of Istanbul in a taxi.

Fun fact: Istanbul is the only city to span two continents.

Now, I’m sure you’re assuming ex-spy with particular set of skills Neeson drives the car and pulls off some absolutely crazy shit…but you’re far too smart to write for this movie.  Rather, the girl without a license is thrust into the moment of glory in one of film’s least action-packed car chases.  Liam claims that Kim must drive because she cannot shoot a gun, but a pile of cow manure could have been placed in shotgun with a handgun and done as much damage as Liam does leaning out of the window and firing into the tailgaters.  Liam literally shoots no one.  Meanwhile, Kim yells in a very annoying fashion as nothing really happens except a lot of unnecessary spinning and misfired rounds.  Okay, so maybe Liam makes this extremely rash and ridiculous decision, but in no way is it possible that some 16 year-old GIRL who drives her daddy’s BMW back home with it’s automatic transmission is capable of maneuvering a manual transmission yellow taxi cab through a maze of Turks and cop cars without either A: killing everyone ever or B: totaling the car way before reaching the American Embassy (segue!)

#2 The American Embassy in Turkey would not just let Liam stroll out after crashing a taxi into the courtyard

Okay, so Kim crashes through a bunch of soldiers and what not to safely arrive at the American Embassy in Istanbul.  Liam proceeds to call his friend Sam who apparently can just get shit done.  This man with a hide outfit named Sam calls off the dogs and Liam and Kim aren’t shot…okay, cool.  Next scene, Liam is walking around Turkey to find Lenore (his ex-wife) because the Albanians still have her.

Obviously being transported in one of these

Ummm….what?  Okay, so you crash this car through the barricade protecting the American Embassy.  I guess Sam knows some guys in high places.  After all, Liam is just released, but it gets more ridiculous.  How are the people at the American Embassy alright with this citizen (no longer a spy, recall) just strolling out into Istanbul like, “I gotta go find my ex-wife who was kidnapped by these Albanians…keep Kim safe, eh?”?  Lenore (like Liam) is a citizen of the United States and has been kidnapped in a foreign country.  If nothing else, Liam should be placed under house arrest at the Embassy so he doesn’t go get himself killed and professional soldiers should head out to find Lenore.  There is no way Liam should be leaving the Embassy with the simple phone call made by Sam.  If I were the ambassador and I heard from this Sam character that it’s okay, Liam Neeson doesn’t mean anything and then Liam said, “Here, protect my daughter, I have shit to do” after just crashing a taxi through my barricade, I’d be suspicions.  Liam would have a little explaining to do…even if he is Liam Neeson.

#1 Liam should be in jail

There was a point in time in Taken where Jean Claude  (who appears to have been a former friend and associate) offers Liam a plane ticket home because the French police want to arrest him.  You’re probably curious, why do they want to arrest Liam?  Well, it’s because Liam had already killed his fair share of Albanians at the early stages of the movie.  There is a surplus of murdered Albanians in Paris thanks to Liam and so the Paris police is like, “Well, we should probably arrest this maniac”.  Of course Liam rotting in a prison cell and Kim being a drug whore wasn’t quite the ending the writers were going for, so Liam is never caught by Paris police…but what about when he, you know, flies back to the United States?  If you’re the guys running the security at the Paris airport and Liam Neeson hands you his information, I would assume you’d scan the database and go, “Wow, you’re wanted on fifty counts of homicide.  Yeah, we aren’t going to let you fly to the United States!”  Even if Liam does make it back (somehow), the United States would have received a letter or email from the French government saying, “This guy has killed a shit ton of people.  If he comes home, can you arrest him and send him back over here?”  The US has no-extradition pacts with a few countries (roughly 75 countries), but France is not on that list.  This means if you’re wanted for a crime in France, America will place you in a wooden crate and ship you over to the Frogs so they can put you on trial for your nonsense….murder fits under both the classifications of wanted, crime, and nonsense.  Thus, Liam would have a one-way ticket back to Paris as soon as he landed at LAX.  Liam should not be traveling to Istanbul on business, rescuing Lenore from a terrible marriage, or teaching Kim to drive because he’d be rotting in a Paris jail cell.

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