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The 7 deaths from James Bond I would like to avoid

Having recently partaken in seeing Skyfall (the newest James Bond movie), I have become a little obsessed with 007 and much of my time is now spent playing Goldeneye on Nintendo 64 and watching old clips from movies.  Some of my favorite moments include the laser scene in Dr. No, the fight with Oddjob in Goldfinger, and the fight on the cradle in Goldeneye between Bond and Alec Trevelyan. Well, without further commotion,  I present my 7 favorite deaths (because they suck so badly to have happen to you) from the James Bond series of now 23 movies and 50 years.

#7 Corrine Dufour is eaten by dogs in Moonraker

No one is really sure what was up with the movie Moonraker.  All we know is there is space and such; however, whilst on earth a completely awful way to die is presented.  The main antagonist Hugo Drax gets pissed when the film’s resident Bond girl Corine Dufour is found to have sexed James.  Drax’s reaction?  Have a pair of dogs chase her through the woods and eat her….As you’ll see from more deaths later on, I’m not a fan of getting eaten by anything because honestly it has to be so painful and is very demeaning.  My only question as you watch the clip is, “Why didn’t she get back in the golf cart?”

#6 Max Kalba is eaten by Jaws (debatably) in The Spy Who Loved Me

No one can be positive that super henchman Jaws devours Max Kalba, the owner of the Mojaba Club.  Jaws, who has definitely eaten people before, just kinda gave Kalba that creepy ass smile with his weird metal teeth.  All in all, I’d have to say getting eaten by a man with metal teeth is high on my list of causes of death to avoid.  I mean if you only knew what Jaws has done with his teeth.  He has bitten through metal wires and chains; therefore, he will tear through your flesh and crush your bones…let that sink in and realize maybe your problems aren’t so bad.  At least you aren’t being eaten by a giant with indestructible teeth.

#5 Helga Brandt is eaten by piranhas in You Only Live Twice

I’m telling you, getting eaten is absolutely no fun.  Eventually we’ll get to a death that is not about getting eaten, I swear.  Piranhas are fish, for anyone who hasn’t played Amazon Trail and they are also carnivorous machines which are rumored to have the capability to murder cows at a rate which impresses McKayla Maroney.  Anyway, the worst part is that if you were Brandt you’d be so embarrassed because she knew the bridge dropped people into the a pond full of piranhas and fell into the trap all the same…just to be eaten by fish.

#4 Ernst Stavro Blofeld gets dropped down a smokestack in For Your Eyes Only

Ernest Stavro Blofeld killed James Bond’s wife a few movies before For Your Eyes Only; however, that was the George Lazenby’s Bond’s wife.  Since we all have come to realize 007 (James Bond) must be a codename rather than a single person, clearly the Roger Moore bond of For Your Eyes Only would have no agenda to kill Blofeld.  Nonetheless, Roger Moore Bond takes absolutely no prisoners and kills Blofeld in possibly the best death in all of James Bond…he picks him up with a helicopter by the wheelchair and drops him into a smokestack…muhahah  Also, the bribe offered by Blofeld gets 5-stars for ineffectiveness as he offers a “a delicatessen in stainless steel”.

#3 Milton Krest gets relived of some pressure in License to Kill

Milton Krest is a henchman of drug lord Franz Sanchez and honestly does absolutely nothing wrong to deserve even being fired much less killed, but Franz has other ideas for Krest.  James Bond (played in this movie by Timothy Dalton) frames Krest for robbing Sanchez of $5 million and using that money to pay for a hit on Sanchez.  This dastardly deed of which Krest gets blamed is obviously not in his favor.  There are two things drug lords are renowned: 1) drugs and 2) killing everyone…and number 2 on that list is more applicable if you, you know, steal $5 million and then use it to pay an assassin to kill him (or her in the case of the movie Savages).  So, Sanchez uses the only reasonable method of killing someone: he throws him in a pressurized chamber and then quickly depressurizes the chamber causing Krest’s head to explode and then one of the greatest Bond lines ever is muttered when a henchman says, “What about the money?”  Sanchez replies, “Launder it.”

#2 Sévérine’s body guard is eaten by a two Komodo Dragons in Skyfall

More getting eaten, but this one is the worst of all.  I don’t know how Komodo dragons feed, but I imagine it to be very unpleasant.  This scene also features the victim of being eaten actually yelling extremely loudly during his comeuppance and this just makes me feel like being eaten by Komodo dragons is about on par with having to watch the movie Failure to Launch.  Daniel Craig may be one of the most awesome men on the planet, but his line during the horrific occurrence is a little disappointing as the only thought which comes to any viewers mind when he says, “It’s the circle of life” is the Lion King.  Unfortunately, there is absolutely no YouTube videos that I can find…I’ll definitely edit the post so everyone can share in the awfulness of being eaten by a Komodo dragon with me.

#1 Xenia suffocates the Canadian admiral with her thighs in Goldeneye

This is one of the most disturbing and honestly awkward scenes in the franchise.  The entirety of the sex scene between Xenia and the admiral is just ineffably disturbing and makes me feel a little violated despite it only being on the television.  The admiral takes a little beating during the sex.  We can only hope prior to Xenia going absolutely insane that he had some good good…some sweet ‘n low because for what happened to him, he deserved it.  If this was his first time getting to engage in intercourse, then he needs respect for the blow he underwent.  To be murdered in such a unique and disconcerting fashion is what takes such a minor character from obscurity to the forefront.  There are a few scenes which come to mind when thinking of Goldeneye: The escape from the train, the fight on the cradle, the driving of the tank, and when Xenia murders the Canadian admiral.  Is it weird that Famke Janssen as Xenia is still my favorite Bond girl?

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