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The Super Bowl Story Lines (some obvious, some not)

Well, Super Bowl XLVII is upon us, people…well not quite, but in just a mere 12 days it will be when New Orleans hosts the game on February 3rd, 2013.  There are many interesting things in this Super Bowl…much more than than the questions of last year like 1) How much of a jackass will Bill Belichick look like in his cut-off hoodie?  2) How many times will Brady get “Congrats” sex if he wins from Giselle compared to “Pity” sex should he lose? or  3) How long will it take for Tom Coughlin’s face to turn red?

Inevitable confusion

Inevitable confusion

So allow me to delve into these obnoxious, humorous, or just plain listless Super Bowl XLVII stories because I know how eager you are to see what I can deliver under the immense pressure.

-Ray Lewis Retiring

This story has gone from exhilarating to downright annoying as Ray Lewis is being talked about in a fashion never before seen in professional sports.  Ray yelling about Jesus and the Dali Lama has become commonplace as millions of cameras surround the formerly charged murderer as he leaves the field.  We all knew it eventually had to end…unless.



-The New Age Ray is in this game

Has any realized Ray Lewis is no longer the best Middle Linebacker in football?  While #52 has shown he has gas in the tank this post-season, he isn’t even the best #52 playing MLB in this contest.  That right belongs to arguably Ray’s replacement atop the MLB throne: Patrick Willis.  Willis is the new age nightmare of opposing offensive coordinators attempting to chart a running game against San Fran. Super Bowl XLVII could be looked at as Willis’s acceptance of the ceremonial torch…or reigns.

They're quite heavy

They’re quite heavy

-The AFC remained old school while NFC has embraced a new school:

A certain breed of Quarterbacks drew a plethora of attention this season.  These Quarterbacks are mobile athletes who are as strong running as passing…or even better.  Three NFC teams embraced this style and the read-option offense more than any other team and all three made it to the playoffs: The Washington Redskins, Seattle Seahawks, and San Francisco 49ers.  Each of these teams featured rookies or Colin Kaepernick who had not started a game until midway through this season.  The AFC, on the other hand, featured 6 teams which utilized the nondescript, drop-back passer.  These styles will clash in New Orleans.

I don't have a clever caption..."Check out meh tats, bro!"

I don’t have a clever caption…”Check out meh tats, bro!”

-Michael Oher is in this game:

No one really seems to care that the guy whose life story was depicted in the movie “The Blinde Side” has finally reached the stage all football players dream of: The Super Bowl.  Kinda cool.

Meanwhile, Sandra Bullock's fake southern accent.

Meanwhile, Sandra Bullock’s fake southern accent.


Everyone knows this game features the two Harbaugh brothers, but it still creates curiosity especially when considering their vastly clashing sideline demeanor.  John is often calm and collected while Jim is berserk nearly every juncture.  Who do you think the parents will be rooting for?  I feel like Jim will have plenty of opportunities and plus he seems like a jackass…so probably John.

Fuck you, Dad!

F*@k you, Dad!

-Beyonce Lip Sync

Beyonce was reported to be lip-syncing during the Presidential Inauguration on MLK day…well, if she does so at the Super Bowl she’ll have successfully been a fraud at two of America’s most hallowed events.

Desecrate the Super

Desecrate the Super Bowl….no….

-Joe Flacco is an Arrogant Jackass

Joe Flacco once said, “I assume everybody thinks they’re a top-five quarterback.  I mean,I think I’m the best.  I don’t think I’m top five, I think I’m the best.”  That’s an arrogant statement if I’ve ever heard one…but Flacco has been the best Quarterback this postseason and can finally get the first Ring of his career which is a start…I guess.

It's funny, because I look like a Raven.

It’s funny, because I look like a Raven.

-San Francisco can tie Pittsburgh:

The Steelers are currently the most winningest franchise in terms of Super Bowls…one ahead of the 49ers who have 6 compared to Pittsburgh’s 7.

-And ps, the 49ers are 5-0 in Super Bowls:

Unlike the Cowboys and Steelers who have been to 8 Super Bowls apiece, the San Francisco is about to partake in the franchise’s 6th Super Bowl (the first since 1994).  The franchise is yet to lose a Super Bowl.

Say hello to my little friends!...wait that was Tony Montana.

Say hello to my little friends!…wait that was Tony Montana.

-The Ravens are also undefeated in Super Bowls

The Ravens franchise is also undefeated in Super Bowls…all one of them.  The last time we had two teams which had never lost a Super Bowl playing each other when each team had already appeared in one??  Never.  You’d have to go back to 1985 to find two franchises which had never lost playing…but the Chicago Bears and New England Patriots were both 0-0 entering the game.

Well, if you discount the amazing food, dynamite commercials, and unholy amount of alcohol, that’s about all I’m excited for when it comes to this Super Bowl.  Here’s my final pick and stay tuned for when I diagnose the trippiest Super Bowl advertisement of Super Bowl XLVII.

Prediction: 49ers over the Ravens 33-21; MVP Colin Kaepernick


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