My Summary of Eight Recent Movies I’ve Never Seen
By Adam Bross
So, I’ve decided to go bigger and bolder and unleash something to you, readers. I’m going to delve into the world of cinema in a way no one ever has by watching the trailers of eight movies I have never seen before informing you what happens in the movies. I’ll divulge plot details and sum up the entire movie via only the trailer…prepare to be dazzled.
The movie starts with a guy in a wheelchair, Jake Sully, being sent to Africa because it is suspiciously more wheelchair accessible. They are in the country known as Pandora where apparently the ground floats. There are also blue lions which have learned how to stand on two legs…These weird lions lead me to believe this is Australia which is the only place where animals are dangerous enough. However, Giovanni Ribisi explains there are in Africa to exploit natural resources in the jungle…what else is new? This movie is incredibly unoriginal if you ask me. It’s basically Blood Diamond with blue lions instead of black people. Anyway, the guy then mentions Indians which is weird because Indians aren’t native to Africa, but I guess he could have just meant Africans. Sigourney Weaver which means this is an alien movie so maybe the blue lions are invading Africa and America is here to save everyone. Then we see America is actually creating the blue lions and so now we’re invading a planet and using the blue lions as a secret army to destroy the giant lizards I have seen throughout the trailer, but decided not to mention until this opportune moment. The guy who once worked as a video game creator shows wheelchair guy the lions America…errr, he is creating. Sigourney Weaver then gives wheelchair guy an MRI because the Army guy promises he’ll give Jake Sully his old legs back because the President stole them because Jake Sully was a dangerous guy. Wheelchair guy is a shape-shifter who can transform into a blue lion. Sigourney Weaver actually appears to have given Jake Sully new legs and he flies into the heart of Africa to attack some of the American blue lions who have betrayed America and are trying to harvest the blood rock. There are a bunch of scenes with a flying lady blue lion and a flying big blue bird. The General returns and tells the shape-shifting wheelchair guy with new legs that he shouldn’t be busy fucking around with the flying lady lion who he clearly wants to have rough blue lion sex with. There are a bunch of scenes where the lions are shown using some shitty weapons and having some shitty animal friends while America flies around with awesome helicopters, awesome rifles, and awesome robot suits. It can only be assumed the blue lions manage to find a way to beat America for no reason. The blue lions will have the blood rocks all to themselves and Jake Sully will probs end up boning blue lion girl. That’s the end of the movie.
No, I haven’t read the book either….So the person who can only assume is the protagonist (it’s a girl…run) jumps through some electrical wires into what is clearly a “Do not trespass: violators will be executed” zone. She then talks about eloping and she looks far less hot than I’ve been led to assume she is. Clearly this is a dystopian future where the government has tabs and arranged marriages and these two are looking to fight the system. She fires an arrow clearly not in the direction of whatever the bro throws and suddenly they are ambushed by a blimp which makes a fuck ton of noise. A bunch of people show up to see creepy blonde lady talk about the 74th annual Hunger Games and District 12. If the title of the movie wasn’t “The Hunger Games” I’d find this information relatively irrelevant and return to focusing on the archer-bro elopement story line but that clearly went nowhere. The hero’s little sister (named Prim?) is selected to partake in the Hunger Games which strikes me as an honor, but bitch big sister has to go and steal the spotlight by volunteering…although no one else volunteering leads me to believe the whole “Honor” thing in the Hunger Games is probably a facade. We learn our hero is named Katniss and she and a blonde guy will be starved until they are at the point where eating another human is acceptable and then they’ll be locked in a small room with each other and fight till the death and the winner eats the loser…hence “Hunger Games”. Katniss says there are 24 people which makes sense because only two would make it a “Hunger Game” and 24 makes it twelve rounds of 1 v 1 starvation action which leads us to not just a “Hunger Game” but many “Hunger Games”. Katniss is shaved (which is weird because she’s a girl and should shave every day like girls do). A creepy old man watches her dance and then (I assume) narrates about Pan-Am airlines which apparently has taken over the world or at minimum a large country and divided into twelve districts before designing the “Hunger Games.” My assumptions are proven correct when they talk about the contestants being trained in the art of survival and killing each other, but now I assume they are going to be battling in a desert or jungle rather than a locked room because I have developed enough survival skills for a locked room…wait, it’s woods. The contestants are placed in woods and run for bags which probably contain rations or something…this sounds like a boring “Hunger Games” if they have food or whatever…they’ll get hungry eventually I guess, but it seems irritably monotonous until they do…I have to assume Katniss wins because she is shown the most in the trailer.
Channing Tatum is a police officer. I really wish I could have stopped there because what happened next makes me queasy. Channing Tatum is a stripper…a male stripper…who has female customers, which all-in-all is not very surprising. All I’ve gotten out of this so far is that Channing Tatum has a fear of people thinking he might be gay which only leads me to believe that he is gay. Magic Mike is his stripper name and he dances and shit because that’s what strippers do. He doesn’t want to be a stripper….once again I’m not too surprised by this information as I’m yet to meet a single person who has ambition to be a stripper…even a rich stripper. Time out, they’re playing “We Found Love” by Rihanna…this movie is fucking awesome! It has a great plot and everything…honestly I stopped watching the trailer and all I can do is dance to “We Found Love”….well I missed about a minute, now I’m seeing Channing jumping over a hammer and some girl saying he cannot be around his lifestyle because she is a lesbian or in love with Channing….I had to stop watching when I heard Matthew McConaughey voice because he is just a terrible actor. I’m sorry…fine, I’ll finish watching the Goddamn trailer. Nothing else happens…there is nothing to suggest Channing does anything but strip the entire movie because his custom furniture is shitty.
A lady steps forward and starts to talk to someone about her husband being required to speak publicly. Due to the title of the movie, I assume her husband is the king and he has to give a speech. Turns out the guy cannot do it and…HOLY SHIT, IT’S CAPTAIN BARBOSA FROM PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN! Anyway, Captain Barbosa is given the job of having to teach the King how to give a speech. This is basically what we see in the rest of the trailer and the wife reappears from time to time to give us a little tidbit which seems overall useless since we can assume Captain Barbosa knows what he’s doing since he delivered the “He hasn’t see me” line near the trailer’s inception. The do some cheek stuff and the wife is sitting on his chest. More cheek stuff and…WATCH OUT IT’S PETER PETTIGREW WHO IS CLEARLY THERE TO ASSASSINATE YOU MISTER KING!…wait, what…Peter Pettigrew is the Prime Minister of England….wait, that’s Winston Churchill…They had the guy who played Peter Pettigrew play Winston Churchill?? Where the hell is Michael Caine when you bloody need him.
Okay, yeah, ink, tattoo I got it. Oh, a dragon, who’d have guessed. Okay, now there’s a girl riding on a motorcycle after a van. Some weird narrator is talking about this story and person who has captivated millions, so I’m guessing it is the girl with the dragon tattoo who is chasing the van….Yup. Okay, the girl with the dragon tattoo and a bull ring. Next we see a match being lit and the van exploded so I put two and two together here and say the girl with the dragon tattoo committed arson, murder, and vandalism. Wait…was that James Bond? Holy shit, so James Bond this is a James Bond movie and the girl with the dragon tattoo is the bond girl or the main antagonist turned Bond girl. That would be far more provoking if she wasn’t all…weird. Okay, I see the word murder and the whole Bond thing doesn’t really add up because James Bond is far too important to be dealing with murders. Unless “M” has been killed! Wait, Judi Dench was in Skyfall so she wasn’t killed…let’s just keep watching. A blonde girl runs away with a bloody mouth and unless that’s the girl with the dragon tattoo I fail to see any reason to show this mystery girl; therefore, blonde chick is the girl with the dragon tattoo and the true hero of the story whilst black haired girl is a red herring and James Bond has set out to save the blonde haired heroine from the evil clutches of goth chick. After this an entire barrage of James Bond-ish stuff is shown including James dodging a sniper rifle and punching some guy in the face. They show Bond kissing the goth chick proving James is still up to his old tricks of sleeping with the enemy to gain trust and wheedling out information…Wait, this is a trilogy? That means it’s not James Bond because the same girl never shows up twice in the same Bond movie or we would have definitely seen Ursula Andress again.
Hey, it’s Gary Oldman. Anyway, Gary Oldman is talking to some British guy about a mole who has infiltrated the circus which I’m guessing is code for the bloody British Governm…HOLY SHIT, THAT’S TOM HARDY!! At this point we can already declare nailing the hottest girl in the movie our of the question for Gary Oldman who has to be the protagonist because c’mon he’s Gary Oldman. That riht belongs to Tom Hardy even though he has ridiculous looking blonde hair…why writers? Why the ridiculous blonde hair on Tom Hardy? Hey, it’s the guy who played the king in The King’s Speech…cool. The mole has apparently been around for eons. Gary Oldman is charged with “finding the enemy” and judging by the suspicious glances the King keeps shooting him I’m guessing the King…what’s his name? Colin Firth? Colin Firth is the mole. A man is killed by the mole (Colin Firth) in a temple. Some other guy is shown shooting a rifle so I supposed he could be the mole, but I’m sticking with Firth. As if my suspicion needed the be refreshed, Firth is shown creepily hiding behind a shelf and says, “It has become so ugly” at the 50 second mark. Only the mole would say something so cheesy and feminine…I mean this is the world of the British Government and they don’t believe in women’s rights yet. The next important scene is Tom Hardy peeking through an attractive woman’s door (you can take that to the bank) followed by Tom Hardy untying her shirt followed by Tom Hardy kissing her in the dining room….Holy shit, Tom Hardy is the mole. No that cannot be right…but only villains and heroes get the hot chicks and we know Gary Oldman is the hero because c’mon he’s Gary Oldman…Tom Hardy is riding with the woman in a convertible and looknig suave as hell…yeah, I’m afraid Tom Hardy is definitely the mole. Gary Oldman versus Tom Hardy…wait, is this the Dark Knight Rises in British form?…I found the mole. Some guy is putting on gloves and behind him the garage is opening and the creepiest bastard on the planet is standing behind him. If that’s not the mole than I’m a horse’s arse…Wait, Colin Firth was named second when they displayed the cast? He’s the bad guy then. I’m back to Firth. Firth is the mole. Oldman catches Firth, Hardy kills Firth as Gary Oldman condemns him and then Hardy has sex with Gary Oldman’s daughter bringing together the genes of two of cinema’s greatest heroes. This movie rocks.
I’m not 100% sure if seeing the first 5 movies or whatever is a prerequisite for this movie, but I’m assuming (like all other chick flicks) I’ll probably be fine without it. Okay, so the protagonist chick (run away) is a super heroine with red eyes…Vampire, that was my next guess. I just forgot vampires apparently can live in broad daylight now. Who wrote this? He/She does not even know the rules of vampires and she wrote a book on them? Shallow. Cedric Diggory is apparently a vampire; better than being dead I s’pose. Some far more handsome, tan guy tells our female protagonist she seems like herself which is just stupid. Well, Cedric has changed his last name to “Cullen” to keep from Voldemort from finding out he survived. Also he has done something terrible with our female protagonist Mrs. Cullen. The next three shots with Cedric, Mrs. Cullen, and the guy (who is clearly the villain because just fucking look at him) talking lead me to assume having a child is against the rules of being a vampire…seriously who wrote this? It is a secret vampires exist in this universe which is believable. A girl drops a vase because…ummm…because weird, tan, more handsome than Cedric guy snuck up on her. Voltori, the bad guy, is on his way to kill Cedric, Mrs. Cullen, and apparently vase dropping girl…I rescind my previous hypothesis and Voltori is why she dropped the vase as that scene comes after the scene where she reports to Cedric that Voltori is after them. Cedric rushes in his car (can’t he fly? He’s a vampire.) to find people to help him fight Voltori including the more handsome guy. Some rabid wolves run across the screen. A bunch of people in robes (the army of Voltori, I would assume) show up. A guy who can control water……c’mon…….really? People are accepting of this terrible vampirism and accept people controlling water? Next thing I know the wolves will actually be people who can transform into wolves during the day. More wolves. Mrs. Cullen reassures her daughter that she won’t let anyone hurt her. People running…yada yada. All I can say is that Cedric and Mrs. Cullen are going to defeat Voltori because the Cullens have wolves for servants. I’m not sure where more handsome than Cedric guy comes in, but he seems unimportant enough because he is not a vampire. I mean there is no way he’s a central character, right?
First off, the crazy “BUUUUUUUUUMMMM” from Inception is here. A female narrator (run away) states the obvious while some guy who I assume is the king is terribly scarred. A space ship is sailing through space while the female narrator delivers another eye-opening statement. Meanwhile the “BUUUUUUUUUMMMM” continues, thankfully. Astronauts are doing that astronaut sleeping thing while some guy (I guess non-astronauts are fine without the sleeping?) pilots the space ship through a hurricane. Oh, so the space ship is Prometheus, roger. The space ship has landed on a planet which was revealed during a game of Pictionary with God where he repeatedly used the same drawing over and over (stupid God) which gave us the location of where these ancient civilizations came from. Also, they wanted us to come find them. The next shots are of the people just kinda waltzing around the planet looking for a party much like college freshman. Lieutenant Archie Hicox from Inglorious Bastards is in the film which is awesome because cinema has never known a more classic film (you can see him at 1:05). They walk around more and send out spy orbs. A black guy is shown and he is clearly dead because he’s the only black guy I’ve seen so far…wait…is this a horror film? I don’t think so, but there’s a token black guy who has to die. That’s a trademark of the horror industry. It is the foundation horror has built itself upon. Oh well. Anyway, the rest of the trailer is a bunch of flash shots of action scenes which reveal very little about the plot, so I’ll have to just jump to a conclusion here. Some of the crew of Prometheus lives on the planet they have found (not the black guy because he is clearly dead) as the aliens who are going to earth leave their asses there and destroy our planet. Soon the crew members starve because the whole space helmet thing added to no food makes living hella difficult. A sad ending, really.