Diagnosing the Trippiest Super Bowl Ad: 2013
Last year I started this amazing tradition where I take the most ridiculous or “out-there” commercial from the recent Super Bowl and give my own in-depth analysis of what is going on. Last season, I diagnosed an add for KIA which featured Adriana Lima among other things.
The commercial opens with an orderly telling an old man (possibly named Mr. Goldblack?) goodnight. This all seems well and good, but suddenly Mr. Goldblack is not so interested in falling asleep and old man sneaks out of the retirement home. To my surprise, Goldblack gets shotgun despite being the last person in the car which signifies he is a man of high importance.
They drive off to the sound of what vaguely sounds like “We Are Young” except Taco Bell sucks and put the song into Spanish which honestly ruins the commercial, but we have to get through this. They start off their wild night with some sober pool hopping. What kind of people pool hop sober these days? I’m honestly disappointed in Goldblack and his associates for not getting plastered prior. Bam Magera’s skinnier father is the proprietor of the pool and he yells at Goldblack and co. to get out because who wants weird, wrinkling old people to old and wrinkle his pool? Next, Black and Asian old guy lays a firecracker on someone’s rug because that is what these old people did when they were kids and for some reason have been led to believe this is still commonplace prankstering.
They hit the club and Goldblack is now because that’s what Goldblack does. They flash to Goldblack’s friend who is somehow far older doing the robot (which once again hasn’t been cool since these guys were kids). It starts snowing old, unwashed hair dandruff and the bulk of the crowd is beginning to regret letting this old people in here.
Wet old lady makes an appearance. There is another lady dancing with the DJ (pictured above) and HOLY SHIT IT’S A ZOMBIE!!!…wait that’s just another creepy old person. The scene then gets clever and shows a flashback to when these old people were kissing in the same bar while showing those old people kissing now.
It’s good to see them still together, especially with America’s ever increasing divorce rate. One of the old ladies waltzes out of the bathroom with a young man in tow which I guess is funny for old ladies, but honestly Taco Bell shouldn’t be targeting old ladies because the rest of us watching simply imagined the lady sex; subsequently vomiting out the under-cooked hot wings and beer. I find the next part relatively confusing as Black Asian (B-A) loses control massively following the car getting about as high of the ground as Jared Sullinger is capable.
Goldblack’s friend decides to nipple slip a couple in a restaurant and I begin to debate what time this commercial is set. I figured late night, but why is a couple out to dinner at such an absurd hour? Old people are not renowned for speed, but have managed to pool hop, light off firecrackers, and go to a club all during the average dinner hour.
Goldblack gets a tattoo which probably says something Spanishy since we’re dealing with Taco Bell and they suck (changing “We Are Young” to Spanish, like forreal though). Goldblack, B-A, and an old lady are sitting in the car which is either A) Super boring or B) Super dangerous because 1) a drunk, nipple-flasher is driving or 2) a woman is driving. The fivesome reaches its “destination” eventually. The illustrious Taco Bell and really exaggerates its value to the average drunk person…or at least the average old person. I’m not even sure if we’re supposed to assume these old people are drunk anymore. Perhaps the retirement home is an asylum and these people are all crazy. That seems more likely. The cops drive by which actually was funny and deserves no condemnation. Taco Bell finishes off it’s Grade C commercial for its Grade C product with its Grade C meat by having all five people stumble back to the retirement home which means A) everyone was probably drunk and B) Someone was drunk driving all night and I’m thoroughly disappointed that Taco Bell is relaying the message that driving under the influence is acceptable….Wait, didn’t the other four drive to he retirement home in the beginning? So why are they going back there? Did they steal that car? This is just getting bad, Taco Bell…honestly, sloppy work.