The Real Top 16
Preseason rankings are ridiculous and the world knows it. It’s time to throw out the AP’s garbage and re-rank teams based solely on how they appear on the field against not scout teams (unless you’re Oregon). It’s a whole new ballgame and while the AP hopes it can rest on it’s laurels and keep the teams ranked higher at the beginning near the top, the AP is idiotic. You know it, I know it, and the AP knows it. So, let’s get started.
#16 Stanford (Bye): I couldn’t just leave them out, could?
#15 Eastern Washington (def. Oregon State 49-46): Because why not? I’ve never been more entertained by a bottom line. The team’s QB contributed Vince Young reminiscent numbers (over 500 yards of total offense, like what? 6 total TDs like what?) and Eastern Washington provided the biggest jolt of week one that wasn’t the Georgia-Clemson showcase. Also, they have an all red field which is infinitely times more awesome than Boise State’s annoying, loserface blue turf.
#14 Oklahoma (def. Louisiana Monroe 34-0): Fake Buckeye Kirk Herbstreit predicted this to be a very close game. I’m not a mathematician, but 34 points seems a decent spread and not a very close game. Granted, if UL Monroe comes to Norman any other year than 2014, 34-0 is depressing. This year, Oklahoma fans should be Andy Roddick on his wedding night because the Warhawks nearly took down two SEC teams last year (losing in OT to Auburn and did beat (at the time) #10 Arkansas). Don’t be too proud, Bob Stoops who parties with my mom. Oklahoma has a long way to go before making the Real National Championship Game or even The Real Fiesta Bowl, but this is at least a start.
#13 Michigan (def. Central Michigan 59-9): This is a key team for my Ohio State Buckeyes. Hell has frozen over and it is time for Buckeye fans to cheer on the Wolverines because we need these guys to be undefeated in THE Game. If the offense is this good and the defense more than just functional then Michigan should roll to THE Game. Notre Dame this week is quite the test, but expect Tommy Rees to return to human turnover form and Michigan to strut out of South Bend with more than a one possession victory…nothing else appears too big of a challenge after the way Michigan opponents looked Week 1 (namely Northwestern and Nebraska).
#12 Texas (def. New Mexico St. 56-7): Mack Brown is trying to finally have a team which can save his ass from being fired…something most coaches would have had happen with the disappointment the formerly divine Texas program has endured recently. Texas looks to be solid on both sides of the ball and David Ash might have the ability to keep the Horns in games against the stronger opponents later down the line…which are few and far between. No “Help Wanted” sign in Austin quite yet, but Mack Brown is pleading for Oklahoma to stay undefeated until the Red River Rivalry and for Baylor and TCU to stay above water.
#11 South Carolina (def. North Carolina 27-10): UNC is one of the best teams we’ve seen played to this point, why is Cocky down to #11 when the AP gloriously placed them at #6? Because after the first quarter USC looked like garbage and Jedeveon “I eat freshman” Clowney appeared more out of shape than the shameful dad in the countries newest blow my damn brains out Toyota commercial. I’ve never been more disappointed in a performance as Clowney was 94.2% of the reason I even tuned in (the other 5.8 being divided between a new college football season, David Pollacks no shits attitude when announcing, and Samantha Ponder). I wanted Clowney to win the Heisman, but now I’d have a hard time taking him #1 overall in the NFL draft (a sure fire thing Wednesday August 28th).
#10 Florida State (def. Pitt 41-13): Had Pitt not been so awful last season this win might have impressed a little more, but is Jameis Winston really this good? Johnny Ca$h must be fuming over Winston’s performance beacuse he completely copied Ca$h Money’s strategy with the whole redshirt to starter thing. I patiently await Florida to travel to “The Real” Death Valley on October 19th….until then I wait and see if Jameis is up to snuff with this Heisman bullshit already starting to be discussed…remember Geno Smith? Missing the Heisman is one thing, but then going to the Jets? A come to New York phone call no football player wants.
#9 Washington (def. Boise State 38-6): Everyone knows Boise State has not been a real contender since NCAA cover boy Jared Zabransky was hurling it around and Ian Johnson was TFM-ing the hell out of his girlfriend cheerleader, but at least they had that ugly chipmunk for a few years. Now, the Broncos are a skeleton of their former selves and balked at the opportunity to be in an automatic bid conference (the prestigious American Athletic) because of “Geography”. Well, Washington showed Boise State its true colors unfortunately. The Huskies dominated and we learned Keith Price is not to be trifled with in the Pac-12…do I hear a dark horse galloping down the street?
It’s halftime…and I get to talk about something in college football that I feel like talking about…just like the Sith named ESPN. Johnny Ca$h (ya boy) is under fire from world renowned douchebag Mark May for his antics on the field. While no one can completely ignore his 15 yard unsportmanlike conduct penalty or the inevitable cash flow after every touchdown, Johnny’s actions are overall harmless and are part of the aura and personality which has transformed Johnny Manziel from just another Quarterback to the most popular college football player since Tim Tebow…a role he’ll likely transcend thanks to his flamboyance on and off the field. Johnny Maziel is, after all is said and done, a 20 year-old kid whose chance to be 20 was stripped the second he went from Johnny Football to Johnny Ca$h (his known worldwide as that, right?). Nonetheless, when he accepted the Heisman trophy, Manziel was no longer allowed to live the raucous college lifestyle the bulk of America knows and loves thanks to Animal House and real life. The truth is Johnny Ca$h is entertaining and the type of player who the NCAA knows it needs to market and have the Sith market so the ultimate goal of profits can be attained. Manziel’s 1/2 game suspension was no accident. It is pretty safe to assume the NCAA had ample evidence Johnny signed autographs, from which he subsequently profited. The NCAA accosted A&M and offered the plea bargain 1/2 game suspension because it augers well for both parties to have Ca$h tossing the pigskin on Saturdays and not enjoying the weekly kegs and eggs. Mark May vehemently insisted Manziel was a detriment to the Aggies…because #2 set nearly every offensive SEC ever as a freshman and won the Heisman and led his team to a Cotton Bowl win and is loved by all his teammates is a detriment? I’d hope Ca$h is worth more to A&M and coach Sumlin than 15 yards and a few jaws to opposing players…if not they need to trade him or whatever the NCAA allows to be done with players now’a’days because Ca$h is the most popular player in today’s college game and his gives no shits attitude and flamboyance are what set him apart for non-Aggie fans.
#8 Louisiana State (def. TCU 37-27): How often has Gary Patterson’s defense given up 197 rushing yards? I don’t have the stats in front of me and have made a meager effort to find out, but I’m guessing round about 1 or 2. LSU showed it’s stuff against a guy who has made a mark as a defensive connoisseur with 448 yards of offense and 26 first downs. Les Miles showed he isn’t the utter barbarian suspected by Yadam staff writers and kept star running back Jeremy Hill on the sideline. Hill should be suspended for the UAB game this weekend, but the recreational team I can recruit at the RPAC could probably compete against this C-USA lowlife…in other words he won’t be missed for a second straight week.
#7 Ohio State (def. Buffalo 40-20): My bias has to show it’s ugly head at some point, but #7 is far lower than AP or Coaches put the Bucks this past week. Honestly, the first 15 minutes went precisely as planned. Ohio State embarrassed Buffalo on a few 2pt gimmicks, my classmate Corey “Philly” Brown decapitated a safety on a scramble, and said QB Brax on Brax on Brax was tossing the ball around like no one imagined he could…then the Bucks were outscored 20-17 and limped home. I expect more from the talent of Ohio State, but a “Help Wanted” sign also hangs outside the Horseshoe because playing amateur hour against the Bucks miserable schedule is a death warrant even if 13-0 is achieved.
#6 Georgia (lost Clemson 35-38): I was far more impressed with what I saw from the 0-1 Bulldogs than the 1-0 Gamecocks, Buckeyes, Tigers, etc. One does not simply win in “The Real” Death Valley, but Georgia gave it a grade A effort. I was close to putting the Bulldogs at #3, but sometimes winning ugly can impress more than losing spectacularly. Say what you will about Mark Richt’s ever changing hair color, Georgia is not quite dead…but losing to South Carolina this year will leave them so in the eyes of the AP and computers…not the RT15 though! Arf!….also respect and wished to Malcolm Mitchell.
#5 Texas A&M (def. Rice 52-31): The Aggies will not (I repeat) will not finish inside the RT15 this year. Try to keep that in mind as the season rolls along. A Finding Nemo comparison is necessary to describe the Rice game as A&M looked a little lost at times sin Johnny Ca$h. With the incumbent Heisman trophy winner on the field, Kyle was a little more electric and the offense a little more explosive as one may have expected when your best player (and arguably the most irreplaceable in college football this year) is absent thanks to the most ridiculous suspension in NCAA history. Ohio State’s tattoo five are steaming somewhere after the 1/2 game suspension…leaving fans wondering if he sign autographs or not…and if so why did he get a 1/2 game…and if not why did he get a 1/2 game. Either way he’s back and it’s time to wait for Alabuhmuh in Week 3.
#4 Louisville (def. Ohio 49-7): Say what you want about Louisville’s schedule, week 1 against Ohio was far better than some teams’ opponents; however, the Cardinals punished the Bobcats. Not since the days of Brian Brohm have Cardinal hopes been this high, but with what remains on the schedule it will take more than 12-0 to get Louisville to the National Championship. “Help Wanted” posted outside Papa Johns Cardinal Stadium.
#3 Alabama (def. Va-Tech 35-10) : I’m usually a firm believer in “Bama stays #1 until proven otherwise”, but I also believe it may have been proven otherwise. The Tide’s pass defense looked strong against perhaps the must puzzlingly horrendous Quarterback in the nation in Virginia Tech’s Logan Thomas, but surrendered a surprising 153 rushing yards. The only worse news for “Alabumuh” (pronounced Ah-la-buh-muh) is Thomas mustered 59 yards on 5-26 passing, but was barely worse than 97 overall in NCAA ’13 A.J. “Brent stop creeping on my girlfriend” McCarron. In actuality, the Hokies out-gained Alabuhmuh 212-206 on a 61-62 play count differential. Better defense will be needed before facing Johnny Ca$h in two weeks.
#2 Oregon (def. Nicholls State 66-3): You are who you beat? Oregon played Nicholls State…but they thrashed the team 66-3. It wasn’t embarrassing enough for the Ducks that the FCS school has a hazy history on the spelling of either Nicholas or Nickels–whichever it was going for–and put up a staggering 772 total yards. Chip Kelly was missed even less than Harbaugh. Proof this uptempo team simply needs a figurehead to stand around and watch De’Anthony Thomas and Marcus Mariota run around.
#1 Clemson (def. Georgia 38-35): The Tigers stole the show in week 1 by beating Georgia. Okay it was at home and okay it was not an awe-inspiring performance, but Tajh Boyd looked a Heisman candidate, Sammy Watkins looked more like 2011 Sammy, and the defense looked as bad as everyone expected it to be against a top tier SEC offense. This wasn’t a “throw a sack 11 sacks of potatoes on the field” and win type of game. Georgia is a legitimate National Title Contender…well was. You are who you beat in College Football in Week 1.