The Real Top 16
Welcome back, boys and girls. My apologies for forgetting to hit “publish” on my picks against the spread last week. It won’t happen again! I know all thirty of you are mad at me, but I’ll try to make up for it (insert choice of happy face emoticon here)
#16 Wisconsin, 2-0 (def. Tennessee Tech 48-0): The Badgers minus Bret Bielema’s wife have shown they aren’t minus the big hulking offense and defense linemen which became the trademarks of Bielema’s wife’s era. No Monte Ball? No problem because the duo of Melvin Gordon and former Cincinnati Bearcat basketball player James White ran through my beloved UMass team last week and Tenn Tech this week. The Badgers heading to Tempe and play America’s largest public university in pigskin is the first REAL test for the Badgers, but for now they have Oregon-ed their way into the RT16.
#15 Oklahoma State, 2-0 (def. UTSA 56-35): Replacing rival Oklahoma, I overlooked the defeat of Mississippi State last week because well the Buckeyes were playing. J.W. Walsh too the starting job and ran with it…literally to the tune of 125 rushing yards and a tuddy. Then Week 2 came and Walsh decided running was far too hard and tossed for 326 and four tuddies without an interception. Not to undermine Mike Gundy, but it’s safe to say that Walsh isn’t a kid.
#14 Northwestern, 2-0 (def. Syracuse 48-27): The Wildcats make a nice little jump in the RT16, thanking a second straight win against an AQ conference team. Syracuse and Cal are not superpowers by any stretch of your infantile sports mind, but still AQ teams. The offense is going to score…a lot. Everyone is now pointing toward a visit from likely undefeated Ohio State in a few weeks (i mean Western Michigan lost to Nicholls State…yeah that team which prays to Oregon as a God and Maine is…Maine).
#13 Stanford, 1-0 (def. San Jose St. 34-13): San Jose State won eleven games last season. Stanford’s defense was spectacular and the offense was as consistent as the Stanford offense is…which is very consistent. I make my beats at home to the Stanford offense because it’s consistency is better than my metronome…that consistent. Arizona State will test the defense next week (the Sun Devils hung an Oregonian performance on Sacramento State) and possibly push the offense to be more fantastic than consistent. Predictably the Cardinal will score between 28-35 points. Where will the defense leave them will decide the fate next week and forever onward. Outlook…good.
#12 Miami Florida, 2-0 (def. Florida 21-16): I’m not overly impressed with the Canes victory over Florida. Jeff Driskel acted out a great Tommy Rees impression with three turnovers (two picks and a fumble) and the Gators backs added a couple more fumbles. With five “take”aways, the Hurricanes had the opportunity to do a little more than beat the Gators by 5. Now, I don’t want people to think this win a small accomplishment. Florida is a top tier SEC school which played in the Sugar Bowl last year. Miami is trying to recover it’s former glory. The Canes are hurt, but this is a positive sign…not to mention a prestigious spot in the RT16.
#11 Ohio State, 2-0 (def. San Diego St. 42-7): Same old shit, just a different week? Brax City Bitch’s first series injury might have left the offense slightly behind…and I seriously mean “might have” and “slightly” because Kenny Guiton is no Mark Sanchez. He proved it by racking up thirty-five points for the Bucks in the first half. The second half was pedestrian. What to take away from this game? The Buckeyes will be fine. The 20 points against Buffalo was the exception, not the rule for OSU. Braxton will be back against the next win against Cal. Look for Urban Meyer to keep the intensity going and the Buckeyes to slowly climb back up the RT16.
#10 Florida State, 1-0 (BYE): Being on a bye is never going to aid your RT16 standing (unless everyone ahead of you plays), but it’s hard to say it’ll hurt. It’s pretty much the equivalent of splash in Pokemon, it does nothing. Florida State leaps a spot thanks to my bias for Ohio State sinking a little bit and South Carolina losing. Absolutely pumped to see if Jameis is as good week 3 as week 1. Remember, at Clemson is October 19th.
#9 Washington, 1-0 (Bye): The Huskies are back in action against Illinois this week in Champagne. The Illini #Scheelhaased the Cincinnati Bearcats this past week and garnered looks from the RT16. No one expected Illinois to be a strong team this season, but suddenly I’m worried about my RT16 sweethearts. Also, keep your eyes on back-to-back match-ups against Stanford and Oregon later this season.
It’s halftime boys and girls. I’m excited to get to rant about something. I’m going to relay my feelings on the devil’s substance mustard to you. If I did not adequately convey my feelings in that first sentence, read on! Mustard, as you already know loyal followers, is the food known to mankind to be offensive to all five senses of man and all six senses of Haley Joel Osment. We’ll go alphabetically!…(feel, sight, smell, sound, taste). The way mustard feels in ones mouth is the equivalent to saying you have a strong case of the Oedipus complex. You’re mouth is going to feel dirtier than the morning after a long night of drinking where you were far too hammered to remember to brush your teeth. I think that is good for feel. Mustard looks like yellow cow pies ground into a fine powder before a little water is added. Mustard is more blinding than the light of God and The Mummy combined. The smell can only be compared to the underarms of Domata Peko–the hairiest Samoan this side of the Mississippi. When you smell mustard, you’re literally allowing Satan to enter your soul and force you to commit adultery. It’s a fact that 100% of people unfaithful toward their partners have eaten mustard at some point in their lives says Jesus. Now, the sound of mustard. What does mustard sound like? Head to your bathroom and face the mirror. Close your eyes and say “mustard” three times. Suddenly, the doll from The Conjuring appears behind you to scare the living shit out of you because no one should ever whisper mustard three times you idiot! Then you are pulled to hell because saying mustard is a summoning chant for Satanists. Taste needs no explanation, but I suppose I can offer one. Mustard takes like poop. And that’s what I think about Ryan Braun…I mean mustard.
#8 Michigan, 2-0 (def. Notre Dame 41-30): I predicted Michigan would roll the Irish. While my lack of respect for Notre Dame is crystal clear, I’m not arrogant enough to say the Irish played poorly Saturday. Only losing by 11 when you are counting on Tommy Rees to throw the ball 51 times is an accomplishment many teams would have failed to reach. Notre Dame is not going to a National Title this year (REAL or real), but don’t be surprised to see Notre Dame in the RT16 at some point later in the year…now about Michigan. Every true Buckeye was pumped to watch the Wolvs Gardner wearing #98 their way to victory Saturday night…not to mention every Wolverine fan. Gardner’s night was second to none, amassing 386 yards of total offense and five total tuddies. Michigan is on the way up…and no losses are in sight.
#7 Alabama, 1-0 (bye): Never forget that week 1 offensive debacle. Alabuhmuh is staggering into College Station this week in one of the most anticipated games this season. Ca$h is going to put up more than 20, no matter how good Buhmuh’s defense is, so A.J. McCarron and company better do a little better than 202 yards.
#6 Louisiana State, 2-0 (def. UAB 56-17): I don’t like to tell you I told you so, so I’ll instead go with I was wrong about Jeremy Hill’s suspension. The sophomore was back in action, but not needed as the Tigers rolled to a 49 point victory. You can’t ask much more as the Oregonification as college football rolls onward.
#5 Texas A&M, 2-0 (def. Sam Houston St. 65-28): Money in the bank? Texas A&M is looking incredibly incendiary offensively as Buhmuh approaches this week. Oh, and not to mention Ya boi Johnny Ca$h and his 403 passing yards and 4 total touchdowns against FCS Southwest. Nothing is more exciting than great college football and it will abound in College Station, because the Tide’s defense is going to want to “target” Johnny and knows its offense probably can’t hang with a thirty-five or forty point effort from A&M. You want an unofficial line from me? Texas A&M -6.5. Come at me, Tide fans, but your team isn’t head and shoulders above the riffraff like the last few years.
#4 Louisville, 2-0 (def. EKU 44-7): Teddy Bridgewater is taking the Heisman race by storm with another 4 tuddy performance against FCS Midwest this week. Louisville is blossoming into a darling with a schedule envied even by high school teams around the country. Away visits to rivals Kentucky this week and Cincinnati in the Cards’ 2013 finale are the only difficulties looming. Bandwagon fans unite!
#3 Georgia, 1-1 (def. South Carolina 41-30): The Dawgs are right back in the midst of the Real National Championship race as expected with a big win against South Carolina. Todd Gurley looked a stud for the second straight week and Aaron Murray was able to avoid the kiss of death known as the turnover this week. The defense was sketchy for the second straight week, but less sketchy than the Gamecocks whose lackluster performance have them looking through the glass at the regal RT16. The game was not eleven points close, A week off against North Texas is fun, but then it’s serious for the Dawgs once more as #6 Louisiana State (formerly known as LSU) visits Athens.
#2 Oregon, 2-0 (def. Virginia 59-10): If I was an opposing team, I’d fear playing Oregon right now. Marcus Mariota’s touchdown run in the first quarter was nothing short of mesmerizing and De’Anthony Thomas just keeps running around everyone. Those two guys were only given fifteen carries?!? Well, they ran for 246 yards on those fifteen carries. Oregon as a team ran for 350 yards and gained 557 total. The official Oregon yardage count this year is 1,329.
#1 Clemson, 2-0 (def. S. Carolina St. 52-13): When Tajh Boyd can be as ineffective as he was and Clemson still wins by 39 impresses me. Maybe more than it should, but the enthralling win/game against Georgia might be beating my better judgment. Clemson jumped Ohio State in the AP Poll because they heard the RT16 had them at #1 and despite what you might believe the AP wants to be just like this fine blog. October 19th is the date to circle on your calendar because Florida State is visiting the “Real” Death Valley…a game which might just hand out a National Championship berth.