The Real Top 16
Hey sports fans….
#16 South Carolina, 9-2 (def. Coastal Carolina 70-10): Did you know that South Carolina goes to the SEX-iest Championship Game if my man Johnny Ca$h and Texas A&M beat Mizzeruh? You probably did, but hey not everyone is as intelligent and informed as you, my loyal reader. The Gamecocks have wavered on the edge of realism every week. This week they find their way back in with an opportunity to do a little climbing by getting its finest win of the year against Clemson.
#15 Central Florida, 10-1 (def. Rutgers 41-17): As a fake conference, the American continues to have Thursday night games….just like the ACC which is incredibly confuse-able with AAC in the SportsCenter app. Anyway, The Knights gave me a win against the spread, and that’s all I really have to say about their victory this past week. South Florida, one of the worst BCS conference teams, waits for the season finale for the UCF. People say things like “Any given Saturday”, but that won’t be this Saturday because South Florida is the college equivalent of the smallest kid in a red rover game.
#14 Mizzeruh, 10-1 (def. Ole Miss 24-10): So I’m 3 for 3 on spread picks thus far which is a nice change of pace from the humdrum sub-.500 weeks I have been having. Missouri can clinch an SEX-iest Conference Championship Game berth by beating Johnny Ca$h and company. Weirdly enough, this will be Missouri’s only win against a ranked team…which might not even be true if they win…it’s getting awkward now
#13 Michigan State 10-1 (def. Northwestern 30-6): The directionally challenged Wildcats have lost 7 in a row. We used to think they simply didn’t know the cardinal directions, but we have learned Northwestern doesn’t know it’s sports record directions either. On the same hand, Michigan State knows precisely what it needs to do and is set up for a showdown with Ohio State in Indianapolis. A surprising 8-3 Minnesota team, a benefit of the weak Big Ten, winning would probably hurt Ohio State more than Michigan State, but Baylor losing kind of makes that statement stupid anyway but I’m far too past the moment to go back and delete it.
#12 Texas A&M, 8-3 (lost LSU 10-34): It was kind of a wild week, but to me this was one of the more surprising losses probably right behind the hilarious Oregon debacle for second). Johnny Ca$h struggled mightily and if Jameis Winston isn’t guilty of being a raper might have doomed his hopes for a second straight Heisman. The Aggies has a whole won’t be making a BCS appearance for the second straight year despite having the overall talent to do so…it’s tough having to beat all these damn SEC teams each week.
#11 Louisiana State, 8-3 (def. Texas A&M 34-10): I never gave up on you, LSU! Even when the AP and the ESPN dropped you and made you the girl crying at the steps because your prom date is hitting on the really hot chick named Buhmuh, I was there to drive you home and hand you my handkerchief. You’re welcome and when they come back and attempt to rank you as highly as I have all year remember they’ll drop you at the first sign of trouble…and remember who has always had your back.
#10 Oregon, 9-2 (lost 16-42): This was absolutely hilarious when I saw it on the bottomline. I mean would anyone have picked Arizona as a trap game for Oregon? I mean I might’ve had it been anyone but Oregon. The Ducks have seemed untouchable for anyone aside from Stanford and then go and flush the Rose Bowl down the toilet. Ohio State fans nationwide rejoice. Now they have to go play a much tougher Beaver team in the Civil War?? Hmmmm…
#9 Arizona State, 9-2 (def. UCLA 38-33): So I just realized I don’t have UCLA in here…having already gotten this far I’m just going to leave the list as is, but the Bruins deserve a spot REALISM if they beat USC this week….there Bruin fans. Arizona State makes a triumphant debut in the real world. I had them at #18 last week, so they were always hanging around. Now THEY CONTROL THEIR OWN DESTINY FOR THE PAC-12 CHAMPIONSHIP GAME AND ONLY HAVE TO BEAT ARIZONA…sorry, I went into ESPN mode for a second. They’re good people over there in Bristol. Anyway, they do play Arizona, known defeater of Oregon, so I guess we should just say THAT STRARNGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL.
It’s halftime. I’m going to talk about something near and dear to my heart as an OSU alum: the Mirror Lake Jump. Recently…like this past Tuesday, the University began a new era of Mirror Lake Jumping by enforcing some regulations for the students thanks to a completely unrelated death in the small campus landmark in August. A former student was found drowned in the lake, and the only real excuse this blogger can think of is suicide because it is almost impossible to drown in Mirror Lake as it is rarely deeper than about 4 feet. Using this unfortunate, unrelated accident as an excuse, Ohio State regulated the jump for the first time. Aside from being nearly impossible to regulate, the Mirror Lake Jump has been a tradition at Ohio State since before the officials who made the regulations were in diapers; however, traditions aren’t as untouchable in an era of lawsuits. The problem? Ohio State never had liability for the jump as the University always sends out an email discouraging jumping and saying it is “not a sanctioned university event”. This year, Ohio State had actual liability for anything which might have happened. As is the norm, no one was injured in the jump…and Ohio State should be thankful. The regulation of the jump not only enrages a student body of over 50,000, it is a terrible decision because it makes Ohio State responsible for any accidents.
#8 Stanford, 9-2 (def. California 62-13): I missed on this one, saying Stanford couldn’t be a spread winner. The Cardinal finish up with Notre Dame in the academic bowl. I have no qualms saying Stanford will not struggle against the Irish.
#7 Baylor, 10-1 (lost Oklahoma State 17-49): Baylor got out Baylor-ed by Okie State. Buckeyes nation-wide rejoiced again as the AP was falling in awkward, somewhat rape-y love with Baylor. The Bears season is by no means wasted; however, it is difficult to see them making an at-large BCS berth with Northern Illinois and/or Fresno State primed to steal at least one of those suckers and Clemson nabbing one as well…oh and don’t forget Buhmuh might be a sleeper at-large as well should Auburn beat them this weekend….sorry, Baylor.
#6 Oklahoma State, 10-1 (def. Baylor 49-17): The obliteration of Baylor by Oklahoma State gets major points with the committee. Despite my belief that the Big 12 is terrible, there are now two teams in the second half of the RT16. The Cowboys looked impressive in their victory…this was a location for #AmericasFavoriteDrinkingGame so a blowout was to be expected…I have bad news for Auburn now.
#5 Clemson, 10-1 (def. The Citadel 52-6): My love affair with The Citadel is well versed, so it is extremely difficult for me to write about this. The decimation of the hero The Citadel by the coward Clemson is something no one likes to romance, so I’ll just let you know Clemson has its biggest game of the year when it hosts Georgia…ummm…hosts Florida State visits South Carolina this weekend.
#4 Auburn, 10-1 (BYE): It was an off week. #AmericasFavoriteDrinkingGame comes to the Iron Bowl. You up?
#3 Ohio State, 11-0 (def. Indiana 42-14): It was business as usual for the Bucks against this God awful Big Ten…not as bad as the Big 12 or ACC thanks to OSU, MSU, and WISC. I hate abbreviation. Ugh.
#2 Alabuhmuh, 11-0 (def. Chattanooga 49-0): Buhmuh’s defense looked stout against another terrible, just absolutely terrible opponent. A tougher test waits in Auburn this weekend in the Gameday game. We’ve basically only seen blowouts in the past this season for #AmericasFavoriteDrinkingLocation. Will it be true this week? All I know is we’ll be drinking for such things as “The Iron Bowl”, “Rivalry Week”, and “The Game”.
#1 Florida State, 11-0 (Did Jameis Winston rape things to Idaho): What if he really did rape that girl?