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The Most Desirable Men/Women in Disney (no Princes/Princesses)

Artists have more than once sketched what a Disney character would look like in real life.  However, when considering how desirable a character truly is, more than looks must be considered.  Obviously, this is true in real life as well.  People will look at a person’s financial background, personality, and other factors before completely regarding how desirable the person is.  Due to this, we have ruled out Disney’s vast  array of Princes and Princesses from the list.  (No Cinderella, Aladdin, etc.).  Also, any animal characters are in play, but we would assume they would be human (no bestiality allowed on this blog). Allow me to present the official list of how Disney’s gentlemen and ladies fair under high scrutiny.

Disney’s Most Desirable Men:

#8 Thomas O’Malley from “The Aristocats”

We begin with a cat.  I know, right?  But in all honesty, Thomas O’Malley is the savviest mother-f***er that Disney ever sketched.  This guy could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves.  Plus, he’s got a heart of gold.  He literally does everything for Duchess and the little fellers as they search for their home.  In all honesty, he does this without expecting reward or recognition….although he has no idea what Duchess/kittens are about to be worth.  Apparently mama has quite a boatload heading the cats’ way.  Anyway, the reason Thomas falls so far is that he isn’t exactly bringing much to the table.  He has his “pad” and some solid friends and and impeccable street rep…but he doesn’t seem to have a cent to his name and relies and stealing for food which would get old after a time.

#7 Gaston from “Beauty and the Beast”

Gaston may be the biggest jackass in Disney, but no one can deny that this guy has a lot going for him.  He’s built like a goddamn ox and is apparently the greatest hunter to ever grace planet earth, evident by having antlers in all of his decorations.  He has the absolute best them song of any Disney characters.  It really displays how Gaston is both a ridiculously hard megalomaniac and a super awesome badass who should honestly have his pick of the crop when it comes to girls (despite his complete lack of judgement when it comes to hair style).  Gaston’s awful personality may drop him pretty far down this list, but the guy has some traits that the top six envy including the manliest chest hair on his side of the Atlantic.

#6 Captain Li Shang from “Mulan”:

I’m not really too sure what is attractive or not in terms of Asian culture…but I know this much, Li Shang is absolutely ripped.  He opens a can of whoop ass on all the Chinese army recruits (in the end I’m not sure how impressive that is).  He is an alpha-male who doesn’t take shit from anyone.  He could’ve probably defeated the Huns single-handidly had he really wanted to.  Plus, as a Captain, Shang is respected and honored member of the Chinese world.  Aside from being able to protect against anyone who would be foolish enough to challenge him, this post also gives Li Shang a nice job for supporting the eventual family he will create.  He falls to #6 due to the fact that it is rumored Asian men are substantially less endowed than American men and men of other cultures and honestly that’s a little cooling.

#5 Captain Phoebus from “The Hunchback of Notre Dame”

Obviously the Captains were running neck and neck, but Phoebus pulls it out by a squeak for a few reasons other than endowment.  First, Phoebus is clearly more confident around women as Li Shang stumbles upon meeting Mulan at her house for the first time.  Also, Captain Phoebus has his horse who is just a badass, often sitting upon people whom Phoebus is in a disagreement with.  Phoebus also has the ability to grow facial hair.  While facial hair is sometimes awful, Phoebus pulls the blonde stubble off nicely and it just makes him seem more manly than Li Shang even though Shang has the body of Zeus.

#4 Tarzan from…well, “Tarzan”

Now, I know what you’re thinking, Tarzan is basically a Gorilla.  First,  He’s an imbecile who doesn’t understand English or human culture.  Alas, by the time the movie ends, Tarzan has turned from ape to scholar.  In only a few short days, Tarzan has mastered the English language.  One can only imagine what type of intellect Tarzan has because this is a feat which takes other speakers years.  I mean baseball players have been trying their whole lives and still some subsist who cannot speak the Kings’.  Also, Tarzan is ripped.  He has spent his entire life swinging from vines and surfing through the trees.  Additionally, the guy is just so darn fun loving.  Also, with the death of the Silverback Gorilla whose name escapes me at this moment, Tarzan becomes the king of the Gorilla pack and honestly is probably king of the entire Jungle as he slays jaguars like they aren’t even there and can even defeat a human wielding a shotgun and machete.  Tarzan is like marrying the king of the African jungle…pretty neat.

#3 John Smith from “Pocahontas”

John Smith is a world traveler and renowned throughout of all of England for pretty much being a big badass indian killer.  In the film we see John Smith’s fatal flaw is that he has a proficiency to love.  He is even willing to sacrifice his life for Pocahontas (who will soon abandon Smith for John Rolfe in the next movie…what have we learned today, gentlemen?)  John Smith is just a badass, there is no way around it.  It would appear that he hasn’t amassed much of a fortune during his lifetime, but it’s because he doesn’t want it.  John just wants to go around and be a badass and kill indians and scour the land for a worthy opponent…oh and he loves animals too!!

#2 Robin Hood from “Robin Hood”

The most munificent of all Disney heroes, Robin Hood is famous for his mantra “steal from the rich to feed the poor”.  He spends his entire life making it hell for Prince John simply because he wants Prince John to stop being a royal ass.  The people of Nottingham starve in streets because of the ridiculously high tax rate enforced by the big bad wolf from the Three Little Pigs.  While he is a fox in the Disney movie, no one can deny that the human version of Robin Hood would be one handsome boy (even the little rabbit says, “He’s so handsome…just like his reward posters”).  Who wouldn’t want to marry the favorite hero of the English countryside?  One who is a world class gentleman.  A man whose marksmanship is unparalleled and bravery unsurpassed.  Who battles rhinos and wolves and crocodiles for fun?  Plus, Robin Hood could become wealthy in no time flat.

#1 Hercules from “Hercules”

Is there a single negative about Herc?  The guy is a demi-God who literally just dominates the world.  While one might think he’d crush you during coitus, he does tenderly hug Megara and what not in the film, so he does develop some control over his super-strength.  Knowing this, it is impossible to find a single negative about Hercules.  He sacrifices his great strength in order to free Meg; displaying he loves her more than himself, as he would should you be the lucky one he loves!  Also, Hercules is a world famous hero that everyone loves.  He has his own bobbleheads, sandals, and action figures.  His success is unmeasurable and honestly his father can probably help out since it’s the God of the world.

Disney’s Most Desirable Women:

#8 Mulan  from “Mulan”:

Mulan is a good girl, but in all honesty she brings nothing to the table aside from that.  She seems like a good looking girl, but what happens after that?  You have to deal with her ridiculous grandma and Mushu who drive me bonkers throughout the film.  Mulan clearly would want to be the big woman on campus in a relationship instead of attempting mutual concurrence.  You can see this through her bravado throughout the whole war ordeal.  She seems to just take control over every relationship.  Mulan does offer courage and what not.  I’m sure she’d make a good girlfriend and wife…but for some reason I’m hesitant on this one, people.  I’m sorry, I don’t know the movie that well:/

 

#7 Pocahontas from “Pocahontas”

Pocahontas has a phenomenal outlook on the world and can probably show you some pretty badass things, but in the end the whole “nature is God thing” probably would get annoying.  Pocahontas reminds me of one of those “My body is my temple” types who just honestly seems to say opposing things just to be annoying.  Like “You cannot kill that deer and eat it, it’s one of our brothers”.  Aside from that though, Pocahontas has many positive qualities.  She’s willing to betray her tribe in order to save the person she adores.  Also, she is sensible and has a good head on her shoulders, always a nice thing to see in a life partner.  Finally, Pocahontas does offer a nice living.  Her father is chief and since she’s an only child, her spouse is likely to be next in line.  There would be no starving and the only thing one has to worry about is when the English take over.

#6 Jane from “Tarzan”

Jane is certainly a worldly girl.  She has abounding knowledge as she teaches Tarzan about the world.  It’s attractive to see a girl with such knowledge and wisdom.  Plus I like the fact that Jane is an artist, but that’s more of a personal taste so that’s all I’ll say about that.  Jane is patient and caring.  She takes the time to teach a man with absolutely no experience with the real world about human history and culture.  Literally it was like teaching a gorilla how to be a man.   Also, she shows she’s loyal by staying with Tarzan at movie’s end rather than sail safely back to England.  Although for us, readers, we would be living with Jane back in England.  Her father may be a little looney, but he did finance a trip to Africa to research gorillas so he obviously has a little bit of coin for Jane to inherit.  Jane is just the archetype of a girl who one would want to be married.

#5 Megara from “Hercules”

Megara might not have much to offer outside of her looks (which aren’t the most impressive on the list), but honestly aside from the Disney Princesses there aren’t many girls who do.  One thing Meg does offer which no other Disney femme fatale can is the ability to absolutely kill it on the dancefloor.  It may never be shown in the movie, but with the way Meg stands and walks, her hips can do some pretty crazy shit.  Also, Meg’s voice is an interesting specimen.  At first, one thinks it to be scratchy and honestly just awful to hear, but by movie’s end it is almost tantalizing.  Meg seems to be a pretty chill girl.  She seems like a girl who you’d want to get sloshed with and just party with, almost like one of the guys.  Having a girl who could be a helluva a friend just seems heavenly.  To quote the movie Napoleon Dynamite: “I want that”.  She probably even likes sports.

 

#4 Duchess from “The Aristocats”

Remember, no zoophilia!  Duchess may be a cat, but she’s a fusking cat who is about to inherit a crap load of monies from her little old mistress.  It’s nearly impossible to imagine Duchess as a human being, but she’s a beautiful cat so one can only assume she’d be quite the show.  In all honesty, Duchess climbed this high only because of the immense fortune she’s about to inherit.  I mean her lady owner person lives in the rich district of Paris, which I’d imagine is an expense place to live.  She has a mansion equipped with a horse equipped with a horse and carriage.  Soon all of this is to be Duchess’s.  It’s a little odd to think that Duchess will soon own the horse Frou-frou, but her mistress did say the cats will inherit her entire fortune.  I hope you can appreciate Duchess being this high, because she brings a lot to the table…even if she does say “swing” and “swinger” like “shwing” and “shwinger”.

#3 Belle from “Beauty and the Beast”

I know that Belle is technically a princess by movie’s end, but I’ll just use pre-Beast Belle and give the big middle finger to anyone who cares enough to disagree with me.  First off, Belle is one smart cookie.  She reads forever and ever.  She’s read every book in her little provincial town’s store and has even read some books multiple times.  Belle is also incredibly ambitious.  She sings on and one in the opening number how she wants more than a simple little life.  She’s willing to even ignore the most gorgeous jackass in Disney history  Gaston in order to reach her dream of more than a provincial life.  Finally, her name means beauty and the other characters even mention in the same opening number that she is unparalleled when it comes to beauty.  Ah, mademoiselle.

#2 Maid Marian from “Robin Hood”

Still not a princess.  Maid Marian may be related to the sovereign, King Richard.  This relation doesn’t even grant her a title better than Maid though, so honestly there can be no question that Maid Marian is not a princess.  I will now continue.  First off, in the story, Maid Marian is a vixen which just sounds hawt, so her human transformation must be.  That’s all I have to say about that.  Maid Marian may not be the Princess, but her family is certainly one of wealth.  This is a nice plus to be added to a lady who clearly has been raised with proper manners.  She enjoys good fun, evident by her badminton game with Lady Kluck.  All in all, I feel Maid Marian offers the total package and would be highly successful on sites like E-Harmony and Zoosk.

 

#1 Esmeralda from “The Hunchback of Notre Dame”

Esmeralda is honestly just tops.  I don’t want to sound weird because it’s a Disney animation, but seriously she is a Goddess in the Disney realm of women.  She’s the Aphrodite of the world.  Her eyes are the purest green and literally pierce straight to the heart of any man.  Even though she doesn’t have the wealth of Maid Marian or the intelligence of Belle; Esmeralda just takes the cake.  She’s definitely got some venom in her, but who doesn’t like a women who doesn’t take shit from people?  She kicks the soldiers of Paris to Poundtown and back again with her little goat buddy.  In the end, Esmeralda has a hidden heart of gold.  Her biggest dream is to see the outcasts of society be accepted and is willing to look past the deformity of Quasimodo and befriend the poor hunch.  I just love Esmeralda and it’s my list and I love Esmeralda so if I want her to be #1, so she shall be.

My 15 Favorite Disney Songs

We got a little serious with those last articles on college basketball.  I think it’s time to bring it back to a less serious note and cuter topic; thus I issue a challenge to anyone to name something less serious and cuter than Disney.

Except for puppies!

I have compiled the absolute, 100%, no contest, superlative list of Disney songs which I now present to you as my top 15…buckle up, ghost rider!

#15 “Why Should I Worry?” from Oliver and Company

Billy Joel steals the show as Dodger, a street savvy pooch who appears to not have a proper breed; nonetheless, the little guy is just awesome.  Meawhile, Oliver attempts to gain his share of the hot dogs he and Dodger have stolen.  So there’s my synopsis of the part of the movie this song goes with.  Anyway, it was tough to knock some songs from Disney off the list, but how could I go against Billy Joel?  Plus he does us the word savoire faire, and who doesn’t love that?  This is just a feel good song, ain’t it?  I mean seriously.

#14 “Hakuna Matata” from The Lion King

Doesn’t everyone just love Timon and Puma?  The best line from perhaps the greatest Disney animated film of all-time is uttered by the farting warthog when he roars, “They call me ‘Mister Pig’!”  Aside from the lovable-ness of the two characters starring in this bit, “Hakuna Matata” is also the most feel-good song in any Disney film.  It takes us from the dark scary place of Simba’s fear, shame, and depression to a much happier and grub-filled world of eternal bliss where there is a distinct absence of murderous uncles to worry about and no water buffalo with the ability to run down a ninety degree incline.  This song is so joyous!

#13 “Everybody Wants to Be a Cat” from The Aristocats

The never failing Disney star power of Phil Harris (Little John in Robin Hood, Baloo in Jungle Book, and of course Thomas O’Malley in the Aristocats) is joined by a great name, Scatman Crothers, to deliver the most memorable song from the Parisian felines.  I wouldn’t recommend watching the video if you’re epileptic, because the scene is a little ridiculous with the colors and the cats and the racist Asian cat and the dancing cats and cats everywhere.  The only real question, is how many times has O’Malley used this routine with Scatcat to impress a little lady?  Their little dance routine seemed obnoxiously choreographed to have been impromptu.  Still love it though.

#12 “Friend Like Me” from Aladdin

I was clueless to the fact that Robin Williams played Genie until like three years ago, but I digress.  This is the fastest paced song we’ve seen so far as Robin Williams just hams as he describes to Aladdin his phenomenal genie powers and all that nonsense in what is a fantastic video to watch.  Although in the end, we see the sadistic nature of the genie as he taunts Aladdin with all these treasures and women and food, but suddenly takes it all away.  It’s like leading the horse with a carrot.  The Genie is an absolute bastard, enticing Aladdin with all these pleasures of life…damn you Robin.

#11 “Be Prepared” from The Lion King

The little haunted liar of Scar provides such a phenomenal backdrop for this creepy and eerie song sung by Claudius, wait I mean Scar.  imagining that Cheech and Whoopi Goldberg play two of the hyenas in this scene is a little mind numbing.  The third hyena affectionately named Ed provides some tremendous comic relief, which is nice…anyway back to the song.  The song is really the key to the plot of the movie as it reveals Scar’s plot to take over the Pride Lands from James Earl Jones.  Also amazing is that Scar seems to be capable of making land rise through the power of his voice.  It is interesting to imagine how J.E.J. will counter this ability…finally notice the Nazi-esque marching.

#10 “A Whole New World” from Aladdin

Many people have long considered this the benchmark for all other Disney songs, and it is understandable why.   This tune is without a doubt Disney’s best work regarding songs, but this is a list of my favorites and it turns out it only gets the 10 spot.  Anyway, it is crazy how fast the magic carpet is.  Now, we don’t receive a true indicator of how much time is spent on the carpet, but it flies from Agrabah to Giza to Athens all in one night, minimum.  Now, we cannot be sure where Aladdin is located, but whether it is in India, Saudi Arabia, or the Fertile Crescent, we know the distance just to Egypt is substantial, then it is another 713 miles to Athens across the Mediterranean Sea. In other words, that carpet is cooking.

#9 “Go the Distance” from Hercules

The first thing one notices during this song is the ridiculous size of Hercules’s hands and feet.  I feel sorry for the poor lad.  Combine that with his clear pidgeon-toe and there is no way he is making any Olympic team this year.  People make fun of Hercules in the movie, but never once do they target his extra-large appendages.  For any experienced bully, such deformities are the weakest points on a person and easiest to attack.  Clearly I think this song is about Hercules overcoming those physical traits in order to become an athletic superstar.  In all seriousness, the positive nature of this song just makes me tear up a little.  It makes me want to do everything to the absolute best of my abilities so I may also “go the distance”.

#8 “Part of Your World” from The Little Mermaid

It is in this scene we discover Ariel’s chronic hoarding disorder.  Her numerous amount of trinkets which she cannot help to understand neither the value nor the use of is incredible.  Also, Ariel uses the song as an opportunity to throw a little jab at King Triton by saying he admonishes her dreams and is holding her down from becoming the true champ of the day she believes she can be…in the end, I love Jodi Benson’s voice in this song.  It is such a like childish and sweet voice.  It’s the type of voice I would want singing my children to sleep at night.  It’s the only song Ariel sings on the entire soundtrack and she just went in there and killed it.

#7 “Kiss the Girl” from The Little Mermaid

We go back to back with Little Mermaid songs as the best love song in all of Disney makes an appearance at #7.  Sebastian reveals the influence he has over the water-world as the entire lagoon agrees to aid him in getting Eric to kiss Ariel in order to break Ursula’s spell thingy.  Disney also reveals a distinct dislike of eels, which honestly no one can blame them for that nonsense.  One of my favorite parts of any song on this is list is when the frogs hop on the oar and the song goes on “sha-la-la-la-la-la my oh my look at the boy too shy, ain’t gonna kiss the girl.  sha-la-la-la-la-la ain’t it absurd, a shame too bad, he’s gonna miss the girl”.  Ah, romance.

#6 “I Just Can’t Wait to Be King” from The Lion Kingn

Simba concocts this song as a plot to get away from Zazu in order to go visit the Hyena’s Shadow Lands/Elephant Graveyard.  In the second most elaborate plot ever (behind the Joker’s plan to steal Lao/kill Rachel Doss/turn Harvey Dent into Two-Face in the Dark Knight) the entire savannah joins in to trap Zazu underneath a Rhino.  The song itself is just really neat.  The fast-paced, jovial singing is a step away from Disney’s archetypal song.  Little Simba and Nala killed the singing, done by Jason Weaver and Lauren Williams.  When it’s all said and done, the song is just a good listen.  It’s like a radio song, not a Disney song.

#5 “Be Our Guest” from The Beauty and the Beast

Anyone who tells you they don’t love this song is lying, because every single part of it is awesome.  When Lumiere mutters, “We’ll prepare and serve with flair a culinary cabaret” I have to retrain my hands to keep from applauding all out.  The question I’m everyone else wants answered, though, is when the (spoiler…wait, who hasn’t seen Beauty and the Beast) spell is broken at the end, are there no dishes left in the castle?  Does the Prince need to go out and purchase a new china set?  What about every other inanimate object?  Are there no more escritoires?  No more dusters?  It worries me.  And does the Prince have any money left?  Has he been collecting taxes from his fiefdom?  I hope so, for Belle’s sake.

#4 “Colors of the Wind” from Pocahontas

You want an anthem?  Pocahontas has an anthem for you.  This song is literally just awesome.  I really wanted to put it higher, but in the end it only gained the fourth spot on the countdown.  I honestly don’t know if there is more emotion behind a Disney song than this one.  One can just feel the pure feeling behind the words being sung by Pocahontas (Judy Kuhn).  I mean if I was John Smith, I’d feel like a total asshole for acting like such a hotshot because of my immense travels.  Pocahontas just takes his pride and balls it up into a wad and throws it in his face, saying “You’re an idiot”.  Best of all is that she does it via song. I

#3 “I Won’t Say (I’m in Love)” from Hercules

I concede that Hercules’s Meg does not have the best voice on this list.  In fact, it is possible that she may have the roughest sounding voice of anyone on this list.  The song, however, is awesome.  The Muses give us a little flair in the background of the song pleading with Megara to just admit she has fallen for the large footed hero of Greece.  One thing which is apparent in the video is Meg was created by Disney to be a precursor to Shakira as she can move her hips in the absolute most amazing ways, somtimes dipping her abdomen beneath her hips.  Finally, clearly Disney takes advantage of the fat factor of humor by utilizing the short fat muse continuously.

#2 “Strangers Like Me” from Tarzan

Phil Collins from Genesis singing Disney?  Jeez, Disney has some big-time heavyweights in terms of singers and writers.  I mean we’ve already had Billy Joel, why not Phil Collins? Anyway, this song is just a vocal powerhouse.  Honestly it is one hell of a performance, and probably even a better song than my #1, but it doesn’t have the same meaning and doesn’t draw out my love like #1.  The only real thing I get from the video is how ridiculous it is that Jane ever falls for Tarzan.  He’s such a ape, like literally.  I mean of all Disney relationships, this is the absolute, 100% oddest.  Anyway, I love the song and Phil Collins kills it.  Every fiber of my being is affected when I hear the words being sung, especially the chorus…so huge.

#1 “Hellfire” from The Hunchback of Notre Dame

I had such a hard time deciding between #1 and #2.  I am literally in love with both of the top 2 songs, more than anyone should be with Disney music.  Claude Frollo may be one of the most hated and evil men in Disney, but he also gives one hell of a melodramatic performance.  I am a little scared that he’s on some sort of drugs whilst performing this because he has some scary hallucinations throughout.  Regarding why I love this song, well just like Meg’s song, we don’t have the highest quality of voices, but the song is just so well written and so well performed it beyond makes up for it.  Much like Pocahontas’s emotion-packed performance in “Colors of the Wind”, we once again see someone going for it, wanting it.  This song was my first love in terms of Disney vocalization.

So there you have it, my list of MY favorite 15 songs from Disney.  I know they all come from animated films, but who would ever pick a song from a non-animated one, seriously?

 

 

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