Artists have more than once sketched what a Disney character would look like in real life. However, when considering how desirable a character truly is, more than looks must be considered. Obviously, this is true in real life as well. People will look at a person’s financial background, personality, and other factors before completely regarding how desirable the person is. Due to this, we have ruled out Disney’s vast array of Princes and Princesses from the list. (No Cinderella, Aladdin, etc.). Also, any animal characters are in play, but we would assume they would be human (no bestiality allowed on this blog). Allow me to present the official list of how Disney’s gentlemen and ladies fair under high scrutiny.
Disney’s Most Desirable Men:
#8 Thomas O’Malley from “The Aristocats”
We begin with a cat. I know, right? But in all honesty, Thomas O’Malley is the savviest mother-f***er that Disney ever sketched. This guy could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves. Plus, he’s got a heart of gold. He literally does everything for Duchess and the little fellers as they search for their home. In all honesty, he does this without expecting reward or recognition….although he has no idea what Duchess/kittens are about to be worth. Apparently mama has quite a boatload heading the cats’ way. Anyway, the reason Thomas falls so far is that he isn’t exactly bringing much to the table. He has his “pad” and some solid friends and and impeccable street rep…but he doesn’t seem to have a cent to his name and relies and stealing for food which would get old after a time.
#7 Gaston from “Beauty and the Beast”
Gaston may be the biggest jackass in Disney, but no one can deny that this guy has a lot going for him. He’s built like a goddamn ox and is apparently the greatest hunter to ever grace planet earth, evident by having antlers in all of his decorations. He has the absolute best them song of any Disney characters. It really displays how Gaston is both a ridiculously hard megalomaniac and a super awesome badass who should honestly have his pick of the crop when it comes to girls (despite his complete lack of judgement when it comes to hair style). Gaston’s awful personality may drop him pretty far down this list, but the guy has some traits that the top six envy including the manliest chest hair on his side of the Atlantic.
#6 Captain Li Shang from “Mulan”:
I’m not really too sure what is attractive or not in terms of Asian culture…but I know this much, Li Shang is absolutely ripped. He opens a can of whoop ass on all the Chinese army recruits (in the end I’m not sure how impressive that is). He is an alpha-male who doesn’t take shit from anyone. He could’ve probably defeated the Huns single-handidly had he really wanted to. Plus, as a Captain, Shang is respected and honored member of the Chinese world. Aside from being able to protect against anyone who would be foolish enough to challenge him, this post also gives Li Shang a nice job for supporting the eventual family he will create. He falls to #6 due to the fact that it is rumored Asian men are substantially less endowed than American men and men of other cultures and honestly that’s a little cooling.
#5 Captain Phoebus from “The Hunchback of Notre Dame”
Obviously the Captains were running neck and neck, but Phoebus pulls it out by a squeak for a few reasons other than endowment. First, Phoebus is clearly more confident around women as Li Shang stumbles upon meeting Mulan at her house for the first time. Also, Captain Phoebus has his horse who is just a badass, often sitting upon people whom Phoebus is in a disagreement with. Phoebus also has the ability to grow facial hair. While facial hair is sometimes awful, Phoebus pulls the blonde stubble off nicely and it just makes him seem more manly than Li Shang even though Shang has the body of Zeus.
#4 Tarzan from…well, “Tarzan”
Now, I know what you’re thinking, Tarzan is basically a Gorilla. First, He’s an imbecile who doesn’t understand English or human culture. Alas, by the time the movie ends, Tarzan has turned from ape to scholar. In only a few short days, Tarzan has mastered the English language. One can only imagine what type of intellect Tarzan has because this is a feat which takes other speakers years. I mean baseball players have been trying their whole lives and still some subsist who cannot speak the Kings’. Also, Tarzan is ripped. He has spent his entire life swinging from vines and surfing through the trees. Additionally, the guy is just so darn fun loving. Also, with the death of the Silverback Gorilla whose name escapes me at this moment, Tarzan becomes the king of the Gorilla pack and honestly is probably king of the entire Jungle as he slays jaguars like they aren’t even there and can even defeat a human wielding a shotgun and machete. Tarzan is like marrying the king of the African jungle…pretty neat.
#3 John Smith from “Pocahontas”
John Smith is a world traveler and renowned throughout of all of England for pretty much being a big badass indian killer. In the film we see John Smith’s fatal flaw is that he has a proficiency to love. He is even willing to sacrifice his life for Pocahontas (who will soon abandon Smith for John Rolfe in the next movie…what have we learned today, gentlemen?) John Smith is just a badass, there is no way around it. It would appear that he hasn’t amassed much of a fortune during his lifetime, but it’s because he doesn’t want it. John just wants to go around and be a badass and kill indians and scour the land for a worthy opponent…oh and he loves animals too!!
#2 Robin Hood from “Robin Hood”
The most munificent of all Disney heroes, Robin Hood is famous for his mantra “steal from the rich to feed the poor”. He spends his entire life making it hell for Prince John simply because he wants Prince John to stop being a royal ass. The people of Nottingham starve in streets because of the ridiculously high tax rate enforced by the big bad wolf from the Three Little Pigs. While he is a fox in the Disney movie, no one can deny that the human version of Robin Hood would be one handsome boy (even the little rabbit says, “He’s so handsome…just like his reward posters”). Who wouldn’t want to marry the favorite hero of the English countryside? One who is a world class gentleman. A man whose marksmanship is unparalleled and bravery unsurpassed. Who battles rhinos and wolves and crocodiles for fun? Plus, Robin Hood could become wealthy in no time flat.
#1 Hercules from “Hercules”
Is there a single negative about Herc? The guy is a demi-God who literally just dominates the world. While one might think he’d crush you during coitus, he does tenderly hug Megara and what not in the film, so he does develop some control over his super-strength. Knowing this, it is impossible to find a single negative about Hercules. He sacrifices his great strength in order to free Meg; displaying he loves her more than himself, as he would should you be the lucky one he loves! Also, Hercules is a world famous hero that everyone loves. He has his own bobbleheads, sandals, and action figures. His success is unmeasurable and honestly his father can probably help out since it’s the God of the world.
Disney’s Most Desirable Women:
#8 Mulan from “Mulan”:
Mulan is a good girl, but in all honesty she brings nothing to the table aside from that. She seems like a good looking girl, but what happens after that? You have to deal with her ridiculous grandma and Mushu who drive me bonkers throughout the film. Mulan clearly would want to be the big woman on campus in a relationship instead of attempting mutual concurrence. You can see this through her bravado throughout the whole war ordeal. She seems to just take control over every relationship. Mulan does offer courage and what not. I’m sure she’d make a good girlfriend and wife…but for some reason I’m hesitant on this one, people. I’m sorry, I don’t know the movie that well:/
#7 Pocahontas from “Pocahontas”
Pocahontas has a phenomenal outlook on the world and can probably show you some pretty badass things, but in the end the whole “nature is God thing” probably would get annoying. Pocahontas reminds me of one of those “My body is my temple” types who just honestly seems to say opposing things just to be annoying. Like “You cannot kill that deer and eat it, it’s one of our brothers”. Aside from that though, Pocahontas has many positive qualities. She’s willing to betray her tribe in order to save the person she adores. Also, she is sensible and has a good head on her shoulders, always a nice thing to see in a life partner. Finally, Pocahontas does offer a nice living. Her father is chief and since she’s an only child, her spouse is likely to be next in line. There would be no starving and the only thing one has to worry about is when the English take over.
#6 Jane from “Tarzan”
Jane is certainly a worldly girl. She has abounding knowledge as she teaches Tarzan about the world. It’s attractive to see a girl with such knowledge and wisdom. Plus I like the fact that Jane is an artist, but that’s more of a personal taste so that’s all I’ll say about that. Jane is patient and caring. She takes the time to teach a man with absolutely no experience with the real world about human history and culture. Literally it was like teaching a gorilla how to be a man. Also, she shows she’s loyal by staying with Tarzan at movie’s end rather than sail safely back to England. Although for us, readers, we would be living with Jane back in England. Her father may be a little looney, but he did finance a trip to Africa to research gorillas so he obviously has a little bit of coin for Jane to inherit. Jane is just the archetype of a girl who one would want to be married.
#5 Megara from “Hercules”
Megara might not have much to offer outside of her looks (which aren’t the most impressive on the list), but honestly aside from the Disney Princesses there aren’t many girls who do. One thing Meg does offer which no other Disney femme fatale can is the ability to absolutely kill it on the dancefloor. It may never be shown in the movie, but with the way Meg stands and walks, her hips can do some pretty crazy shit. Also, Meg’s voice is an interesting specimen. At first, one thinks it to be scratchy and honestly just awful to hear, but by movie’s end it is almost tantalizing. Meg seems to be a pretty chill girl. She seems like a girl who you’d want to get sloshed with and just party with, almost like one of the guys. Having a girl who could be a helluva a friend just seems heavenly. To quote the movie Napoleon Dynamite: “I want that”. She probably even likes sports.
#4 Duchess from “The Aristocats”
Remember, no zoophilia! Duchess may be a cat, but she’s a fusking cat who is about to inherit a crap load of monies from her little old mistress. It’s nearly impossible to imagine Duchess as a human being, but she’s a beautiful cat so one can only assume she’d be quite the show. In all honesty, Duchess climbed this high only because of the immense fortune she’s about to inherit. I mean her lady owner person lives in the rich district of Paris, which I’d imagine is an expense place to live. She has a mansion equipped with a horse equipped with a horse and carriage. Soon all of this is to be Duchess’s. It’s a little odd to think that Duchess will soon own the horse Frou-frou, but her mistress did say the cats will inherit her entire fortune. I hope you can appreciate Duchess being this high, because she brings a lot to the table…even if she does say “swing” and “swinger” like “shwing” and “shwinger”.
#3 Belle from “Beauty and the Beast”
I know that Belle is technically a princess by movie’s end, but I’ll just use pre-Beast Belle and give the big middle finger to anyone who cares enough to disagree with me. First off, Belle is one smart cookie. She reads forever and ever. She’s read every book in her little provincial town’s store and has even read some books multiple times. Belle is also incredibly ambitious. She sings on and one in the opening number how she wants more than a simple little life. She’s willing to even ignore the most gorgeous jackass in Disney history Gaston in order to reach her dream of more than a provincial life. Finally, her name means beauty and the other characters even mention in the same opening number that she is unparalleled when it comes to beauty. Ah, mademoiselle.
#2 Maid Marian from “Robin Hood”
Still not a princess. Maid Marian may be related to the sovereign, King Richard. This relation doesn’t even grant her a title better than Maid though, so honestly there can be no question that Maid Marian is not a princess. I will now continue. First off, in the story, Maid Marian is a vixen which just sounds hawt, so her human transformation must be. That’s all I have to say about that. Maid Marian may not be the Princess, but her family is certainly one of wealth. This is a nice plus to be added to a lady who clearly has been raised with proper manners. She enjoys good fun, evident by her badminton game with Lady Kluck. All in all, I feel Maid Marian offers the total package and would be highly successful on sites like E-Harmony and Zoosk.
#1 Esmeralda from “The Hunchback of Notre Dame”
Esmeralda is honestly just tops. I don’t want to sound weird because it’s a Disney animation, but seriously she is a Goddess in the Disney realm of women. She’s the Aphrodite of the world. Her eyes are the purest green and literally pierce straight to the heart of any man. Even though she doesn’t have the wealth of Maid Marian or the intelligence of Belle; Esmeralda just takes the cake. She’s definitely got some venom in her, but who doesn’t like a women who doesn’t take shit from people? She kicks the soldiers of Paris to Poundtown and back again with her little goat buddy. In the end, Esmeralda has a hidden heart of gold. Her biggest dream is to see the outcasts of society be accepted and is willing to look past the deformity of Quasimodo and befriend the poor hunch. I just love Esmeralda and it’s my list and I love Esmeralda so if I want her to be #1, so she shall be.