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The Most Desirable Men/Women in Disney (no Princes/Princesses)

Artists have more than once sketched what a Disney character would look like in real life.  However, when considering how desirable a character truly is, more than looks must be considered.  Obviously, this is true in real life as well.  People will look at a person’s financial background, personality, and other factors before completely regarding how desirable the person is.  Due to this, we have ruled out Disney’s vast  array of Princes and Princesses from the list.  (No Cinderella, Aladdin, etc.).  Also, any animal characters are in play, but we would assume they would be human (no bestiality allowed on this blog). Allow me to present the official list of how Disney’s gentlemen and ladies fair under high scrutiny.

Disney’s Most Desirable Men:

#8 Thomas O’Malley from “The Aristocats”

We begin with a cat.  I know, right?  But in all honesty, Thomas O’Malley is the savviest mother-f***er that Disney ever sketched.  This guy could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves.  Plus, he’s got a heart of gold.  He literally does everything for Duchess and the little fellers as they search for their home.  In all honesty, he does this without expecting reward or recognition….although he has no idea what Duchess/kittens are about to be worth.  Apparently mama has quite a boatload heading the cats’ way.  Anyway, the reason Thomas falls so far is that he isn’t exactly bringing much to the table.  He has his “pad” and some solid friends and and impeccable street rep…but he doesn’t seem to have a cent to his name and relies and stealing for food which would get old after a time.

#7 Gaston from “Beauty and the Beast”

Gaston may be the biggest jackass in Disney, but no one can deny that this guy has a lot going for him.  He’s built like a goddamn ox and is apparently the greatest hunter to ever grace planet earth, evident by having antlers in all of his decorations.  He has the absolute best them song of any Disney characters.  It really displays how Gaston is both a ridiculously hard megalomaniac and a super awesome badass who should honestly have his pick of the crop when it comes to girls (despite his complete lack of judgement when it comes to hair style).  Gaston’s awful personality may drop him pretty far down this list, but the guy has some traits that the top six envy including the manliest chest hair on his side of the Atlantic.

#6 Captain Li Shang from “Mulan”:

I’m not really too sure what is attractive or not in terms of Asian culture…but I know this much, Li Shang is absolutely ripped.  He opens a can of whoop ass on all the Chinese army recruits (in the end I’m not sure how impressive that is).  He is an alpha-male who doesn’t take shit from anyone.  He could’ve probably defeated the Huns single-handidly had he really wanted to.  Plus, as a Captain, Shang is respected and honored member of the Chinese world.  Aside from being able to protect against anyone who would be foolish enough to challenge him, this post also gives Li Shang a nice job for supporting the eventual family he will create.  He falls to #6 due to the fact that it is rumored Asian men are substantially less endowed than American men and men of other cultures and honestly that’s a little cooling.

#5 Captain Phoebus from “The Hunchback of Notre Dame”

Obviously the Captains were running neck and neck, but Phoebus pulls it out by a squeak for a few reasons other than endowment.  First, Phoebus is clearly more confident around women as Li Shang stumbles upon meeting Mulan at her house for the first time.  Also, Captain Phoebus has his horse who is just a badass, often sitting upon people whom Phoebus is in a disagreement with.  Phoebus also has the ability to grow facial hair.  While facial hair is sometimes awful, Phoebus pulls the blonde stubble off nicely and it just makes him seem more manly than Li Shang even though Shang has the body of Zeus.

#4 Tarzan from…well, “Tarzan”

Now, I know what you’re thinking, Tarzan is basically a Gorilla.  First,  He’s an imbecile who doesn’t understand English or human culture.  Alas, by the time the movie ends, Tarzan has turned from ape to scholar.  In only a few short days, Tarzan has mastered the English language.  One can only imagine what type of intellect Tarzan has because this is a feat which takes other speakers years.  I mean baseball players have been trying their whole lives and still some subsist who cannot speak the Kings’.  Also, Tarzan is ripped.  He has spent his entire life swinging from vines and surfing through the trees.  Additionally, the guy is just so darn fun loving.  Also, with the death of the Silverback Gorilla whose name escapes me at this moment, Tarzan becomes the king of the Gorilla pack and honestly is probably king of the entire Jungle as he slays jaguars like they aren’t even there and can even defeat a human wielding a shotgun and machete.  Tarzan is like marrying the king of the African jungle…pretty neat.

#3 John Smith from “Pocahontas”

John Smith is a world traveler and renowned throughout of all of England for pretty much being a big badass indian killer.  In the film we see John Smith’s fatal flaw is that he has a proficiency to love.  He is even willing to sacrifice his life for Pocahontas (who will soon abandon Smith for John Rolfe in the next movie…what have we learned today, gentlemen?)  John Smith is just a badass, there is no way around it.  It would appear that he hasn’t amassed much of a fortune during his lifetime, but it’s because he doesn’t want it.  John just wants to go around and be a badass and kill indians and scour the land for a worthy opponent…oh and he loves animals too!!

#2 Robin Hood from “Robin Hood”

The most munificent of all Disney heroes, Robin Hood is famous for his mantra “steal from the rich to feed the poor”.  He spends his entire life making it hell for Prince John simply because he wants Prince John to stop being a royal ass.  The people of Nottingham starve in streets because of the ridiculously high tax rate enforced by the big bad wolf from the Three Little Pigs.  While he is a fox in the Disney movie, no one can deny that the human version of Robin Hood would be one handsome boy (even the little rabbit says, “He’s so handsome…just like his reward posters”).  Who wouldn’t want to marry the favorite hero of the English countryside?  One who is a world class gentleman.  A man whose marksmanship is unparalleled and bravery unsurpassed.  Who battles rhinos and wolves and crocodiles for fun?  Plus, Robin Hood could become wealthy in no time flat.

#1 Hercules from “Hercules”

Is there a single negative about Herc?  The guy is a demi-God who literally just dominates the world.  While one might think he’d crush you during coitus, he does tenderly hug Megara and what not in the film, so he does develop some control over his super-strength.  Knowing this, it is impossible to find a single negative about Hercules.  He sacrifices his great strength in order to free Meg; displaying he loves her more than himself, as he would should you be the lucky one he loves!  Also, Hercules is a world famous hero that everyone loves.  He has his own bobbleheads, sandals, and action figures.  His success is unmeasurable and honestly his father can probably help out since it’s the God of the world.

Disney’s Most Desirable Women:

#8 Mulan  from “Mulan”:

Mulan is a good girl, but in all honesty she brings nothing to the table aside from that.  She seems like a good looking girl, but what happens after that?  You have to deal with her ridiculous grandma and Mushu who drive me bonkers throughout the film.  Mulan clearly would want to be the big woman on campus in a relationship instead of attempting mutual concurrence.  You can see this through her bravado throughout the whole war ordeal.  She seems to just take control over every relationship.  Mulan does offer courage and what not.  I’m sure she’d make a good girlfriend and wife…but for some reason I’m hesitant on this one, people.  I’m sorry, I don’t know the movie that well:/

 

#7 Pocahontas from “Pocahontas”

Pocahontas has a phenomenal outlook on the world and can probably show you some pretty badass things, but in the end the whole “nature is God thing” probably would get annoying.  Pocahontas reminds me of one of those “My body is my temple” types who just honestly seems to say opposing things just to be annoying.  Like “You cannot kill that deer and eat it, it’s one of our brothers”.  Aside from that though, Pocahontas has many positive qualities.  She’s willing to betray her tribe in order to save the person she adores.  Also, she is sensible and has a good head on her shoulders, always a nice thing to see in a life partner.  Finally, Pocahontas does offer a nice living.  Her father is chief and since she’s an only child, her spouse is likely to be next in line.  There would be no starving and the only thing one has to worry about is when the English take over.

#6 Jane from “Tarzan”

Jane is certainly a worldly girl.  She has abounding knowledge as she teaches Tarzan about the world.  It’s attractive to see a girl with such knowledge and wisdom.  Plus I like the fact that Jane is an artist, but that’s more of a personal taste so that’s all I’ll say about that.  Jane is patient and caring.  She takes the time to teach a man with absolutely no experience with the real world about human history and culture.  Literally it was like teaching a gorilla how to be a man.   Also, she shows she’s loyal by staying with Tarzan at movie’s end rather than sail safely back to England.  Although for us, readers, we would be living with Jane back in England.  Her father may be a little looney, but he did finance a trip to Africa to research gorillas so he obviously has a little bit of coin for Jane to inherit.  Jane is just the archetype of a girl who one would want to be married.

#5 Megara from “Hercules”

Megara might not have much to offer outside of her looks (which aren’t the most impressive on the list), but honestly aside from the Disney Princesses there aren’t many girls who do.  One thing Meg does offer which no other Disney femme fatale can is the ability to absolutely kill it on the dancefloor.  It may never be shown in the movie, but with the way Meg stands and walks, her hips can do some pretty crazy shit.  Also, Meg’s voice is an interesting specimen.  At first, one thinks it to be scratchy and honestly just awful to hear, but by movie’s end it is almost tantalizing.  Meg seems to be a pretty chill girl.  She seems like a girl who you’d want to get sloshed with and just party with, almost like one of the guys.  Having a girl who could be a helluva a friend just seems heavenly.  To quote the movie Napoleon Dynamite: “I want that”.  She probably even likes sports.

 

#4 Duchess from “The Aristocats”

Remember, no zoophilia!  Duchess may be a cat, but she’s a fusking cat who is about to inherit a crap load of monies from her little old mistress.  It’s nearly impossible to imagine Duchess as a human being, but she’s a beautiful cat so one can only assume she’d be quite the show.  In all honesty, Duchess climbed this high only because of the immense fortune she’s about to inherit.  I mean her lady owner person lives in the rich district of Paris, which I’d imagine is an expense place to live.  She has a mansion equipped with a horse equipped with a horse and carriage.  Soon all of this is to be Duchess’s.  It’s a little odd to think that Duchess will soon own the horse Frou-frou, but her mistress did say the cats will inherit her entire fortune.  I hope you can appreciate Duchess being this high, because she brings a lot to the table…even if she does say “swing” and “swinger” like “shwing” and “shwinger”.

#3 Belle from “Beauty and the Beast”

I know that Belle is technically a princess by movie’s end, but I’ll just use pre-Beast Belle and give the big middle finger to anyone who cares enough to disagree with me.  First off, Belle is one smart cookie.  She reads forever and ever.  She’s read every book in her little provincial town’s store and has even read some books multiple times.  Belle is also incredibly ambitious.  She sings on and one in the opening number how she wants more than a simple little life.  She’s willing to even ignore the most gorgeous jackass in Disney history  Gaston in order to reach her dream of more than a provincial life.  Finally, her name means beauty and the other characters even mention in the same opening number that she is unparalleled when it comes to beauty.  Ah, mademoiselle.

#2 Maid Marian from “Robin Hood”

Still not a princess.  Maid Marian may be related to the sovereign, King Richard.  This relation doesn’t even grant her a title better than Maid though, so honestly there can be no question that Maid Marian is not a princess.  I will now continue.  First off, in the story, Maid Marian is a vixen which just sounds hawt, so her human transformation must be.  That’s all I have to say about that.  Maid Marian may not be the Princess, but her family is certainly one of wealth.  This is a nice plus to be added to a lady who clearly has been raised with proper manners.  She enjoys good fun, evident by her badminton game with Lady Kluck.  All in all, I feel Maid Marian offers the total package and would be highly successful on sites like E-Harmony and Zoosk.

 

#1 Esmeralda from “The Hunchback of Notre Dame”

Esmeralda is honestly just tops.  I don’t want to sound weird because it’s a Disney animation, but seriously she is a Goddess in the Disney realm of women.  She’s the Aphrodite of the world.  Her eyes are the purest green and literally pierce straight to the heart of any man.  Even though she doesn’t have the wealth of Maid Marian or the intelligence of Belle; Esmeralda just takes the cake.  She’s definitely got some venom in her, but who doesn’t like a women who doesn’t take shit from people?  She kicks the soldiers of Paris to Poundtown and back again with her little goat buddy.  In the end, Esmeralda has a hidden heart of gold.  Her biggest dream is to see the outcasts of society be accepted and is willing to look past the deformity of Quasimodo and befriend the poor hunch.  I just love Esmeralda and it’s my list and I love Esmeralda so if I want her to be #1, so she shall be.

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8 “Lessons” You Were Unaware of in Kid’s Media

#8 Dragonball Z shows kids one has to be the strongest…physically:

Dragonball Z was my favorite show as a kid, so it really hurts me to include it on such a sarcastic list; nonetheless, I have to do what I must.  If there is one message this show utterly relays (aside from how much of a badass the antagonist Cell is) it’s that the only way to matter is to be the absolute strongest guy in the universe.  The people who don’t train physically in order to fight off bad guys are ultimately sucked dry or turned into candy.

I just hope the flavor changes.

It is most obvious in the character of Gohan.  His absolutely obnoxious mother Chi-Chi is set on Gohan becoming a scholar, but in the end the show only portrays Gohan as important when he is defying his mom and following Goku’s orders to kick some ass.  The reason the show is so awesome is because of the non-stop fighting.  This intense (like a carnival) perpetual action does have the usually unnoticed downside of telling kids that learning and school doesn’t matter.  The only way to become the badasses that Goku, Vegeta, etc. are is to train for hours on end until you have developed enough muscle that you appear on those ridiculous ads on the computer with the tagline “girls love him, guys hate him”.

#7 Mario wants us to know that love isn’t always as important as the scorecard.

Mario may not quite be the hero you think after this little, obviously stupid, argument.  We all know that Mario is a blue-collar hero that continuously saves Peach from the evil turtle king Bowser.  He does this for simple pocket change which somehow is stuffed inside of little blocks, but is dislodge simply by knocking one’s skull into the brick.

Only if they have been imprinted with a ?

Mario, however, was first introduced way back in the day as rescuing Peach from a different character (one who becomes a protagonist when attending Mario Parties).  This character is of course the infamous Donkey Kong and his barrel throwing ability.  The fact of the matter is that the girl Mario was rescuing from the murderous monkey was his girlfriend at the time…Pauline.

Apparently she looked like this.

That’s right, Mario was in love with someone way before Peach.  Unfortunately for Pauline, it must’ve been a shallow relationship early in Mario’s life because she was never invited to Mario’s parties, to go karting, or to smash brothers.  It seems Mario soon moved off of Pauline and fell into love with Peach.  The relationship change does become a little suspicious when one considers the facts.  Mario was in love with Pauline enough to rush in against a amazingly large monkey who has can throw the shit out of barrels in order to rescue her.

If I get the right back spin, it’ll go down the right ladder.

He climbs ladders that have little fireball guys on them and eventually manages to free this girl…only to say bye-bye?  A little suspicious.  Let’s take a look on paper at the two biddies.  Pauline is the average citizen.  Sure, she may be a looker, but I mean she’s a brunette, c’mon.  Peach brings a lot more to the table.  She’s a princess which means she owns land, has a castle, and clearly would enable Mario to drop the little plumber act.  Also, she’s a blonde bombshell with a sexy voice.  Plus she can absolutely kick the hell out of people, proven in Super Smash Bros Brawl.  So, is this what Mario wants us to think?  That it is okay to ditch a girl who you love just because another girl offers a little more pocket-change and is a little prettier?  Such a hero…

#6 Rocket Power tells kids “just do whatever”:

No children from the current era get the honor of watching this show, but this nonsense is omnipresent.  I just like Rocket Power the best.  In this show, the four children (Reggie, Otto, Twister, and Sam) kinda just run around their town and do whatever the hell they want.  Now, there is a parental figure in the show.  Reggie and Otto’s dad Ray is the owner of this little joint, but seems to do a lot more smoking of other joints.  He rarely tells the kids “no” and they kinda just run around.  He speaks in that voice where you can honestly assume that he’s fucking high.  Also there is the Hawaiian Tito who is a philosophizer, surfer, and drug addict.

Nothing gets you as high as the waves on a sunny day…aside from this kilo of cocaine.

Tito may try to give life lessons, but in the end he’s just as invisible of a power figure as Ray.  Neither one of them ever keep the kids from doing anything.  They only rebuke the little fellas after they have destroyed the entire town.  Honestly, this show featured no parental control.  Any kid who watches this immediately would assume, “I can just go out and skateboard and surf and do whatever other nonsensical bullshit I want because it’s all in the name of good fun”.  And I quote.

#5 Cinderella wants everyone to know that it doesn’t matter as long as you’re incredibly hot:

A semi-quote there from Bo Burnham, but in all honesty it is completely true.  Bo might’ve said it for comedic value; however, it can be looked at as one of those funnier because it’s true bits.  Cinderella is a term which has become synonymous with an underdog.

The sexy blonde gets the guy…who’d have thunk!

One who comes from nowhere to steal away the heart of the Prince, but let’s revisit Cinderella’s competition (or the only competition presented by Disney).  Cinderella’s competition for the heart of the Prince is her bumbling step-sisters.  Her sisters are routinely presented as being unfortunate looking…which apparently makes them unworthy of marrying a prince?  Disney, how dare you!  This is a movie which has no doubt been watched by millions of little girls.  If we consider the world renowned scale of 1 to 10, that makes 5 average.  Through use of a bell curve, 1/2 of girls everywhere will grow up to be unfortunate looking.  That means Disney is preaching to half it’s audience “see ya later and God bless, you’re not good enough”.  The Prince could’ve chosen any girl he wanted to (I mean the Prince is a handsome fellow, so every girl would be dying to marry him, no matter his personality), but in the end he chooses the beautiful little blonde.  Who cares that she’s a maid in her stepmother’s house.  Who cares that she talks to mice and pumpkins.  And there is no reason to be angry about her running out during your dance together and arriving late to your party…those are just hot girl things to do.  All that matters is she’s sexy.  Thanks for the positive reinforcement for little girls everywhere, Walt.  Even when trying to create a beautiful tale about a young girl overcoming adversity you end up a douchebag, anti-Semite.

#4 Fairly Oddparents expresses there are no consequences, your “parents” fix everything:

I’m not going to pretend like I think Cosmo and Wanda are really Timmy Turner’s parents.  I mean they’re goldfish for heaven’s sake!  Clearly they’re only fairies granted to Timmy in order to fulfill his every desire without any regard for the lives of other people.  Now, we shall never forget about “Da Rules” book, but little Timothy nearly destroys the world on numerous occasions…I feel like destroying the world should be against “Da Rules”.  I do feel, however, that Fairly Oddparents teaches children that there is no need to consider the consequences of one’s actions because things can always be fixed with a little magic…literally.  Kids are not quite as intelligent as the main faction of adults.

Not all, but most

When they see how Timmy pretty much goes bananas on what he wants, they think, “I can do anything I want and just make one wish and shazam, I have it!”.  The problem comes when all our little Timmy Turners create havoc and discord among the human race and then realize, “Our parents will fix it”.  I’m not saying people will create mutant cockroaches that are set on taking over the world via nuclear holocaust, but kids could do stupid things and the Fairly Oddparents teaches that any mistake is revocable and it’s okay because my parents can fix everything just like Cosmo and Wanda!  Wrong, dudes, wrong.

#3 The Flintstones think slavery is okay:

I’m definitely a little hazy on my Flintstones knowledge, but I do recall rampant use of dinosaurs by the characters in order to perform simple tasks such as slicing bread (the greatest thing) and pooping.

Must…lift…boulder…for no…apparent,,,reason

Every time this characters are shown in their sinecures they say, “It’s a living” or something or the sort.  Wait a second…these animals can talk?  And they have knowledge of making a living?  Yet in the Flintstone universe dinosaur use for physical labor and other tasks is omnipresent and nowhere in the Bedrock record books do we see the exchange of currency in the direction of these dinosaurs in payment of their tasks.  In other words, these dinos are getting 1800 America-ed by the citizens of Bedrock.  That’s right ladies and gentlemen, slaves!  All the dinosaurs are slaves of the humans!  Fred, Barney, Mr. Slate, etc. they’re all slave owners who utilize these helpless and clearly naive citizens of the town to perform any tasks which are just too damn hard to do.  The Flintstones suppress the dinosaurs as lower class citizens, and why?  Because they lay eggs?  That’s just…wrong!!

#2 Pokemon encourages pets to be used as tools of war:

If the real world was Pokemon-esque, I think Micheal Vick would be the strongest of all, haha!  Get it?

Dude…..

Anyway, the fact of the matter is that all of Pokemon is based off of Pokemon fighting.  Sure there is the bond between pet and master, but that bond is only utilized so your little fella listens to your better when he’s going up against another little fella and its trainer.  It’s like buying a bunch of pit bulls and saying, “Go at it guys, I want to win prize money for you beating up the other doggie to the point where it has to be taken to a pet hospital!”  But no one would do that.

….seriously.

Also, this section isn’t even over, Pokemon inspires kids to think that by having the most powerful pet, you’re the big man on campus.  At one point Giovanni is like the Al Capone of the Pokemon world, but soon he’s overtaken by Ash Ketchum…and not because Ash is the kindest or is interested in freeing the world.  Ash is the king because he has the strongest Pokemon.  By allowing kids to watch this show you’re letting them think that only by having the biggest stick can you move up in the world.  It’s all about having the bigger weapon.  Who knew Pokemon was so…weird.

#1 Spongebob Squarepants teaches having money means one is successful

Spongebob Squarepants is a show I still watch to this day.  It is honestly an entertaining piece of nonsense.  Some speak of the homosexual innuendos between Spongebob and Patrick, but if they’re true then I’d like to congratulate the duo on finding true love.  They are a perfect pair and no one can deny it.  That subject, however, is not what I’m out to talk about.  Nor  am I interested in how Mr. Krabs daughter is a whale.

I’m hoping she takes after her mother.

I am interested in Mr. Krabs and his relationship with the show’s main antagonist Plankton.  Plankton and Mr. Krabs are rivals in the restaurant business.  In fact, their establishments face each other; only a stone’s throw away.  In the titanic struggle, Mr. Krabs has been shitting on Plankton since the word “go”.  It’s such a mismatch that Plankton  more time in the Krusty Krab attempting to steal the “secret formula” which is totally revealed in Spongebob’s Alzheimer’s episode.

Bun down, shoe, mustard…

Although I’m not here to talk about that…nor am I hear to talk about how Spongebob steals the recipe from his “friend” Mr. Krabs in order to open his “Pretty Patties” stand.  In the end, Plankton is jealous of Mr. Krabs because he makes money.  Not only that, but Mr. Krabs is obsessed with making money.  This little restaurant battle makes one thing obvious, the winner is the one with the larger bank account and anything should be done to make money.  Even to the point of making your employees miserable and spending countless hours working to the point of exhaustion.  Plankton also commits crimes in order to try and gain this same success.  He trespasses countless times and even attempts manslaughter (fish-slaughter?) a couple of times.  The feud between Plankton and Krabs expresses that the only way to be successful is to make money and there is no limit to what should be done in order to become successful and stay successful.

6 Ways Voldemort could’ve been defeated much, much easier

#6 The wizards create a real government, complete with police force:

Everyone who delves into the Harry Potter franchise is aware of the existence of the Ministry of Magic a.k.a. the least effective governmental body excluding the United Nations.  The Ministry is supposedly the head bosses of the wizarding world and maintain control.

I got this

The problem is throughout the course of the novels, the Ministry does nearly nothing except get in the way of Harry and Dumbledore.  The Ministry almost seems to be championing Voldemort.  Now, granted there were corrupted wizards in the Ministry, but if the Ministry was corrupted enough to continuously deny the existence of Voldemort then clearly the issues are deeper than anyone could’ve imagined.  The wizards were far too short-sighted in the creation of the Ministry.  The Minister of Magic is said to be selected democratically, much like the President of the United States…from there all hell breaks loose.  It seems anyone can reach any other position simply by kissing enough ass to make it.  Lucius Malfoy was able to become a high ranking member of the Ministry after serving as a Death Eater.  Also, people can use things like the polyjuice potion and what not to infiltrate the Ministry whenever they please.  I mean Harry, Hermione, and Ron did it like a thousand times, I think.  The Ministry of Magic is more porous than Spongebob.  Honestly, the wizarding community created a government that made the Articles of  Confederation look like the Nazi regime.  The government seemed to have absolutely no power and the main force in fighting against Voldy and his merry band of miscreants ended up being The Order of the Phoenix…a bunch of vigilantes named after a mythical bird.

#5 Involve the Rest of the Wizarding World:

We know other schools of wizards exist thanks to the series’s fourth installment.  Since England and France and wherever Durmstrang is have wizarding schools, we can only imagine wizards exist throughout the world.  There would be Australian wizards and Russian wizards and, the finest of all, American wizards.

And the far less effective Washington Wizards

Alas, when one villain is attempting to conquor the entire world, the U.K.’s wizards just sit there and say, “we got this”.  I mean seriously, as superbly talented as Voldemort clearly is to have pretty much made England’s wizards fall to their knees, he could never hold back the onslaught of hundreds of countries sending wizards at him.  There is bound to be a wizard in American, or China, or Japan who can at least compete with Voldemort since Dumbledore exists in England as well and there is no chance England has produced two absolute prodigies without any other country producing at least one.

Evidence of non-UK domination

I mean if wizards know their history (which apparently they do not study in school, so I guess we may assume too much) they’d know about this guy named Adolf Hitler who also once tried to take over the world, but instead of one country trying to stop the German bastard, they formed this alliance deal and combined to make sure evil did not conquer the planet.

#4 Slytherin Relocation:

Relocation is not a new idea.  Even America used it once during World War II, but that became a dark spot on America’s record.  Now, granted, the Americans had far less reason to suspect the Japanese-Americans during this time than the wizarding world would have to suspect Slytherins.  It seems to be common fact that Slytherins are the skid mark of the wizarding world.  Ron Weasley even says “”There’s not a single witch or wizard who went bad who wasn’t in Slytherin.”  Now, this is obviously an exaggeration.  There are two wizards outside of Slytherin in the novels who are known to be dark: Peter Pettigrew and Quirinus Quirrell from Gryffindor and Ravenclaw respectively.  Aside from those two, it is never known if any other Voldy loyalists are from other houses than Slytherin.  Thus it would make sense to fetter the snake peoples and take them out of the normal populace.  Or at least not give the damn house members a wand.  I mean a wizard is worthless without his or her wand.  Just keep a wand away from the snakes and suddenly they aren’t such formidable opponents.  Seriously, I mean I know it’s against the moral code, but if it means the entire globe is not going to be taken over by Voldemort, I think it’s worth it, at least until the guy is brought to justice.

#3 Harry doesn’t act like an asshole:

If Harry Potter did not saunter around the grounds of Hogwarts in perpetual arrogance, the entire plot of the story would have changed.  I mean what happened in the first three years is fine…even though if he’d just relaxed in the first movie then Voldemort would not have found the Sorcerer’s stone and what not.  The time when Harry just needed to take a step back and relax a little was in the fourth movie.  If Harry had just not entered the Tri-Wizard tournament as the fourth contestant (yeah…Tri-Wizar) then he’d have never ended up in the graveyard , Voldemort would be a scary baby thingy still, and Edward Cullen would still be alive.

Bella!!

Harry just had to be that guy who is too special to say, “Yeah, I mean the rules say I cannot enter, so I guess I won’t”.  I mean people probably should’ve realized something was up when Harry’s name came out of the Goblet when there’s no way he should have had the capability to enter.  What the hell is Dumbledore letting him compete?  How are The Beauxbatons Academy of Magic and the Durmstrang Institute willing to let him compete?  Hogwarts gets to double up?  I’d veto that if I was half-giant lady.  In the end, it is Harry’s inability to do nothing which gives Voldemort new life and cause the wizarding world to engage in another huge war…well, the English wizarding world (once again, just the English).

#2 Involve the muggle community:

Being a muggle myself, I feel like anyone is obligated to tell me when the world is in danger of being taken over by a lunatic with no nose.  The wizards, however, devote huge amounts of energy in order to suppress the knowledge of the civil war happening in magic land.  It may have behooved the good guys, however, to have informed us of the little war going on so that we could’ve, I don’t know, nuked Voldemort to Timbuktu.

All the way to Timbuktu

I mean, I know Voldemort can  teleport or whatever, but how’s a bout lining up a firing squad of assault rifle bearing army guys right aside Hogwarts and when Voldy shows up, they open fire on him.  It’s harder than one might think to keep one’s cool and react quickly enough to gunfire to wave a wand and say a spell.  I mean muggles might not be able to cast spells, but we do have arms which 1) don’t rely on the power of a wand 2) can fire more than one deadly blast at a time and 3) are pretty badass.  I’d like to see Voldemort take a Barrett-50 cal to the chest and try to continue his little rebellion. 

#BoomHeadshot

#1 Use the Time-Turner:

Remember how Hermione gets the Time-Turner from Albus in order to take multiple classes during her third-year and then she and Harry use it to rescue Sirius Black?  Okay, now do the same thing, but instead, go back in time and kill Voldemort and fix every other problem the world has ever faced.

6 Mysteries I Could never solve about Pokemon Red/Blue Version(s)

I don’t know what kind of childhood you had if you didn’t play Pokemon…well actually, I know you distinctly lacked a childhood.  These games have become classics  and probably have a Japanese following that we Americans cannot even begin to comprehend.  It all started back in 1997 when Pokemon released cartridges for its Red and Blue versions on Gameboy.  Thus began the Pokemon revolution and it is something young adults and teens today would count among their favorite activities.  These games, however, were far from perfect as there were a few things which confused me.  I now pass my confusion on to you.

#6 Why is Zubat everywhere?

I know what Zubat does that is so annoying, but I’m curious why it had to be Zubat?  I mean if it weren’t for the one problem which has turned Zubat into enemy number one for any player in the game, I might consider catching one every once and again in my campaign.  But then again, there is that problem…

Wild Zubat Appeared….F**k, how many are there?!?!

He is everywhere, and I have always been curios why Zubat is in every goddamn corner in every goddamn cave in the game.  Is it just one Zubat that keeps fluttering around, annoying the living hell out of anyone who passes through Mt. Moon or Rock Tunnel?  Does he just keeping coming back for more?  I mean God forbid that I get through Mt. Moon in a reasonable amount of time.  Absolutely not.  This creature of the night is here to make sure you’re tardy to Cerulean.  One just closes his eyes and suddenly hears the screech and immediately face palms in frustration.  It is understandable that Zubat lives in caves and that it will appear in caves, but it is absolutely not acceptable that Zubat appears every second of game play.

Why did we do this to everyone? We’re sorry.

Zubat is the omnipresence of Pokemon and it is impossible to comprehend how or why Zubat is so ubiquitous, but alas, he’ll beat you down.  And Zubat always wins, because he isn’t trying to defeat you in battle, no, Zubat wears you down psychologically until you have absolutely no will to continue and you end up running from Zubat every time because you’re in the middle of Mt. Moon and you’re level 20 Pikachu ran out of Thundershock back when you found Mega Punch after defeating that rocket in the secret level.  If running counted against your record in the game, everyone’s winning percentage would be .00005% against Zubat.

All with no eyes, nonetheless.

#5 Where do people get Pokemon not found in the game?

Just think way back to when you battle the guy in Brock’s Gym in Red.  After you kick away his sandshrew and diglett he’ll tell you something about light years being measurements of distance and not time or something?

Multiple light years? Someone didn’t pass 5th grade Science.

Anyway, this is all beside the point.  The fact of the matter is this guy has a Sandshrew…in Red Version!  Wake up, San Francisco!  That little fella, whilst a badass, cannot be found in Red Version.  Instead we get Ekans…oh joy!  But where did this guy find a Sandshrew?  Did he trade for it?  They don’t even sell Sandy at the game corner.  This guy needs to let me in on his secret, pronto.  I mean the people with Charmander, Bulbasaur, Squirtle and their evolutions?  Please, do tell!  I’m on a need to know basis, so whenever you get around to it.  Or what about you, Lance Dragon Master?  that’s a fancy Aerodactyl you have there.  Bet you didn’t know he’s extinct.  And don’t give me that Old Amber nonsense, that’s a cop out!  Or you, random guy in Silph Co. who was kind enough to give me a Lapras.  Where did you acquire this honking battleship?  I want my own, for Pete’s sake!  Someone tell me where I get these Pokemon that cannot be found in the game!  I have caught 127 of the goddamn Pokemon and cannot get the rest and get my goddamn diploma from Professor Oak for being a Pokemon Master!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

#4 How does Diglett use scratch and how does Dugtrio perform Slash?

It is easy to accept most moves in Pokemon.  Like Rhydon being able to learn surf or Tauros learning fire blast, but there is one which is utterly mind-blowing.  Here is your average Diglett:

It’s definitely a nose, not a mouth with a tooth…

As you can see, it is without claw or even an arm.  How does the thing use a move catch scratch?  I mean I s’pose they expect Diglett to scratch with it’s head.  Now, they already have a move called headbutt, why not just have Diglett learn that move?  It would save me the confusion and the Pokemon people the embarrassment of this entire debacle.  Okay, now here is your average Dugtrio:

Why would a mouth cause a shadow? Forsure a nose…

Once again, no arms or claws.  And now there are three!  I mean if they are using their heads, which one gets the pleasure of head-slashing the victim for what will end up being a huge amount because slash is far too powerful in this game and has way too high of a critical hit ratio…it’s literally like every turn.  But it is literally incomprehensible.  Looking back, this should have been #1 because it is the most unfathomable and ridiculous concoction in Pokemon.  Diglett..using scratch…fusk logic, let’s just do it!!!

#3 How do Magneton, Dugtrio, and Weezing work?

The Trio of Trios

I feel like I’m picking on the poor Diglett line here, but seriously it’s just a messed up family.  Think of Magneton, Dugtrio, and Weezing.  What are they?  They’re just three of their earlier forms stuck together.  The brains behind Pokemon either got really tired or really careless with these dudes, because if you take a magnemite, diglett, and koffing and glued it to two of its kin, you’d have the evolution.  I mean at least Weezing has those little bars connecting that poor unfortunate Weezing which seems to never get air time.  I mean Dugtrio and Maneton are barely even connected if at all.  You might as well take three Pikachu and drawn them together and call if Piktrio.

……Mind-splosion……

I’m sorry to have had distracted you with that crazy awesomeness.  Could you imagine Piktrio in Super Smash Bros?  Pikachu is already ferocious.  Now I’m just asking for trouble.  Anyway, I mean seriously, why do the Dugtrio all act like a single unit?  In Pokemon Stadium, they actually tunnel underground at different times.  This makes more sense, but completely obliterates the point of calling it an evolution.  Pikachu gets more powerful when more are around.  “When more than one gather, they can cause lightning storms”.  One would expect the same from multiple Digletts, but why even call it Dugtrio then and not just multiple Digletts?  Magneton is just magnemites together.  All we ask for, Pokemon is a little creativity from you on all evolutions.  It’s too late to fix it now.  I cannot imagine a world without Dugtrio looking the way he does, but next time I’d like you to at least make him a different color or something.

#2 How would a Wigglytuff exist in the wild?

It’s a simple concept in Pokemon: you walk around, run into Pokemon, and try to catch them.  It’s no shocker that different Pokemon would be found in different spots.  I wouldn’t want to meet a wild Staryu in Rock Tunnel and Caterpie hardly belongs on the Seafoam Islands.  One wild Pokemon, however, should not exist:

Who?…Me?

Yes, it’s Wigglytuff.  The quite unimaginatively designed and named evolution of Jigglypuff.  Wigglytuff can only be obtained in two fashions in Red/Blue version.  First, you can catch a Jigglypuff and evolve it with a moonstone.  Secondly, you can catch one in Cerulean Cave.  Wait..hoe did Wigglytuff get there?  I mean there is an infinite amount of Wigglytuffs just walking around in this cave.  It really makes me wonder if there is just a large cache of moonstone hidden deep within Cerulean Cave where Jigglypuffs venture in order to reach their new stage.  Jigglypuffs are just sauntering up to these precious stones and grabbing one for its own selfish gain in order to become a Wigglytuff.  Seriously, I want in.  Those moonstones might only be worth pocket change to the department store, but they are invaluable to anyone collecting Pokemon.  I’d take those suckers to Saffron and auction them off for $1,000 apiece and accept my haul.  If there is no hoard of moonstone then there is no excuse for the plethora of Wigglys in Cerulean Cave.  Either that, or trainers get the short end of the stick and Jiggly can evolve via leveling, but only in the wild.  It’s like how orca fins stay straight up in the wild but flail to the side in captivity.  Anyway, Wigglytuff has absolutely no business being around and I want an answer from someone who is either 1) a huge nerd or 2) highly involved in Pokemon to tell me how Wigglys are walking around Cerulean Cave like they own all of Goddamn Kanto.

#1 How do wild Pokemon level up?

I accept the way leveling up working in Pokemon.  A character gains experience in battle which allows it to get bigger, faster, stronger, and the like.  I am just a little curious how wild Pokemon are higher levels in different places?  Is it something in the air?  Zubat in Mt. Moon is not as strong as Zubat in Rock Tunnel.  Do those Zubats have a better diet?  Or are the wild Pokemon just in an eternal struggle with each other to gain experience by pounding each other like some kind of barbaric free-for-all?  Or do they just wait for all the unfortunate trainers to come along and then smash their little buggers into fine powder in order to become stronger?

Oh, now I understand!

It seems unlikely when no one ever loses to the wild pokemon.  When was the last time you blacked out to level 5 Caterpie in Viridian Forest?  Seriously, those guys in Cerulean Cave are like level 50 and such.  Are these like superpowerful Pokemon who when born are immediately sent forth to Cerulean Cave in order to guard Mewtwo’s lair?  Is Mewtwo the sovereign ruler of all the Pokemon world and he has access to the strongest and most brutal of his peoples in order to place them at his doorstep as guardians against any unwanted trespassers?  Has Mewtwo enslaved the rest of Pokemon kind and now they must perform his every will or he shall slaughter them and all their kin until they have gone extinct to the epochs?  Is this why there are no Aerodactyls left?

Damn you Phillip Bartlett, you bastard!

Or are these just your average Pokemon who have battled against one another for millennia and have gained so much experience they are higher than that trio of Digletts you have in your party which ran through Blaine, Giovanni, and the Elite Four on your way to being crowned the Pokemon League Champion!  Please, someone tell me!  I’m at your mercy, Pokemon nerd.  And I need you!

6 Alternate Meanings Hidden in Songs

Everyone hears odd things in songs.  An example would be the guy who first thought up the idea that “Mr. Jones” by Counting Crows was about the lead singer’s penis.  My brain has devised its own meanings behind numerous songs.  Obviously I’m really odd, so I doubt many others have ever conjured this meanings.  I would like to clarify that in no way are these the actual meanings of the songs, it is simply what my brain thinks when I hear them.  Please don’t tweet at the artist and ask if this is what they really mean because there is no way it is…Anyways, I hope you enjoy!

#6 Young  the Giant’s “My Body” is about a raging sex addict talking in therapy:

I have a feeling of all the songs on this list, this one is by far the most agreed with.  The verses are the man telling a story of a girl he knew back the day who he had sexual intercourse with.  This moment in history is when the man first became the sexual fiend he is now.  In other words, “Stop, the train is riding down to the station where you lived when we were school kids”.  The station is the girl and the train is the singer’s wiener.  When he sings, “Hey, the rails are caught now” he’s saying that he cannot stop from having sex now.  Then as if I needed more fuel, there is the refrain which literally just proves my point.  Here are the lyrics: “My body tells me ‘no’, but I won’t quit.  ‘Cause I want more.”  Then he hits the bridge which simply goes, “It’s my war, it’s my war”.  I mean there it is, right in front of you and you might have never noticed.

#5 “You’re Gonna Go Far Kid” by the Offspring is about Sylar from Heroes:

I know what you’re thinking “probably not, bro”, but if you listen to the lyrics there are unmistakeable similarities between the badass antagonist from the world’s greatest TV show.  I mean listen to the lyrics in the verse, “Now, dance fucker, dance.  Man, he never had a chance.  And no one even new it was really only you.  Now you steal away…take him out today…nice work you did…you’re gonna go far kid!”  Literally Sylar is all about using his power of telekinesis to freeze people.  He can turn them into little puppets as they cannot resist his might.  He usually tricks people into trusting him, not letting them know he’s this rampaging psycho serial killer set on murdering them.  Then he steals the person’s power who is completely hopeless against his strength.  Sylar is literally bound to be the strongest human being on the planet.  That pretty much covers every single line of that portion of the song.  Continue?  “With a thousand lies and a good disguise; hit ’em right between the eyes, hit ’em right between the eyes.  When you walk away, nothing more to say, see the lighting in your eyes; see ’em running for their lives.”  Sylar uses disguises and aliases in order to garner powers.  Also he kills people by slicing open their foreheads, pretty much between the eyes.  I mean he’s a killer…”see ’em running for their lives?”  It’s perfect.  Clearly this song was made for Sylar.  Ironically it was released in 2008, which was just enough time for The Offspring to write a song about Sylar after Heroes was released in late 2006.

#4 Passion Pit’s “Sleepyhead” is about a man having non-consensual sex with a women (he’s a rapist):

This meaning never really hit me until I learned what was said in the song.  The lyrics are nearly incomprehensible, but the song does sound creepy enough to be an anthem about a rapist.  I mean the first verse starts, “And you said ‘It was like fire around the brim.  Burning solid, burning thin the burning rim'”  which sounds to me like a girl describing the feeling of the man’s coitus beginning.  The verse then ends, “You were one inch from the edge of this bed.  I drag you back a sleepyhead, sleepyhead.”  Is that not a girl trying to escape a painful situation only to find her assailant is not actually asleep and was playing possum.  Now he’s angry she tried to escape and drugged her so that she doesn’t get away from him and he can continue to be a disgusting freak and what not…am I really the only one seeing this?  Goddamn.

#3 “Homeboy” by Eric Church is the speaker talking to his adopted black little brother:

Now obviously Eric Church is a southerner (because he sings country music, right?…oh and because Wikipedia says so!) so he obviously has no problem referring to an African American as “boy”.  Also, because he’s southern, we can assume he has racial stereotypes against African-Americans.  So obviously the entire song is about Eric Church singing to this African-American that was adopted by his family and now Church feels he has fallen into all the stereotypes he has for African-Americans.  I mean the first verse goes, “You were too bad for a little square town with your hip hop hat and your pants on the ground.  Heard you cussed out mama, pushed daddy around and you tore off in his car.  Here you are runnin’ these dirty old streets, tattoo on your neck, fake gold on your teeth.  Got the hood here snowed but you can’t fool me; we both know who you are.”  Clearly there are some negative stereotypes in there.  Damn southerners!  It is over a century since the Civil War and decades since the Civil Rights Movement and still negative stereotypes about African-Americans remain.  It’s sad.  I mean in the second verse too where E.C. says the little guy is going to jail?  Sheesh!

#2 Owl City’s only song “Fireflies” is about a suicidal homosexual in a homosexual club:

This was the first image on Google search…seriously

Think I’m stretching things?  Just wait for this explanation, it’s golden.  Now, homosexuals are commonly referred to as flamers, right?  So fireflies, flamers?  Pretty close and pretty sneaky, Owl City guy.  Now, the first verse is where I get the strip club idea.  I mean listen to the words, “You would not believe your eyes if ten million fireflies lit up the world as I fell asleep.  ‘Cause they’d fill the open air and leave teardrops everywhere.  You’d think me rude, but I would just stand and stare.”  He’s watching the dancers.  Okay, you got that?  Then there’s the refrain: “I’d like to make myself believe that planet Earth turns slowly.  It’s hard to say that I’d rather stay awake when I’m asleep.  ‘Cause everything is never as it seems.”  This is the suicidal portion.  The first part is him saying he wishes the world did not treat homosexuals so poorly.  Next, the singer is thinking how he hates life and cannot even wish he was still alive.  He just wishes he could stay asleep forever.  There are a bunch more references which are kind of questionable in this song.  Including him asking to leave the door open just a crack…like coming out of the closet (or jumping back in?).  Anyway, let’s move on.

#1 “Winter Winds” by Mumford & Son is about a guy’s “hook-up” with a girl:

Mumford & Sons is a British folk group.  They could never sing about something vulgar!  Well I vehemently disagree guy who still high-fives.  (that probably landed poorly).  As is par for this article, I have lyrics to back me up.  “As the winter winds litter London with lonely hearts, oh the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms.  Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night?  For every kiss, your beauty trumped my doubt.”  You might not see it, but clearly this describes a hook-up.  Now, it could be taken for a man and woman actually falling in love, but the refrain does a little bashing at this idea when he sings, “And my head told my heart ‘let love grow’…but my heart told my head, ‘this time no, this time no'”.  I mean anytime two people hook-up, there is this little spark which flares up between them and your head just wants to see them (hook-up with them really) on a regular basis.  The heart, however, knows the real story.  If you still aren’t sold, patience.  Verse 2: “We’ll be washed and buried one day, my girl.  The flesh that lived and loved will be eaten by plague.  So let the memories be good for those who stay”.  The guy is basically screaming, “YOLO, dude!  Let’s go!”.  Verse 3 I think seals the deal for me: “Oh the shame that sent me off from the God that I once loved was the same that sent me into your arms.  Oh and pestilence is won when you are lost and I am gone and no hope, no hope will overcome.  And if your strife strikes at your sleep, remember spring swaps snow for leaves.  You’ll be happy and wholesome again.  When the city clears and sun ascends.”  The man is telling the crowd that he had lost all self-respect and needed someone to comfort him so he found this girl.  He’s telling her that even though he’s leaving her, that soon her life will turn for the better and she’ll leave behind this one night stand and find true love with someone.  When this is all gone, life will be better.

So there they are, six completely undignified and completely concocted meanings of songs that my brain discovered in its delirium of everyday life.  I hope you enjoyed reading it!

My 15 Favorite Disney Songs

We got a little serious with those last articles on college basketball.  I think it’s time to bring it back to a less serious note and cuter topic; thus I issue a challenge to anyone to name something less serious and cuter than Disney.

Except for puppies!

I have compiled the absolute, 100%, no contest, superlative list of Disney songs which I now present to you as my top 15…buckle up, ghost rider!

#15 “Why Should I Worry?” from Oliver and Company

Billy Joel steals the show as Dodger, a street savvy pooch who appears to not have a proper breed; nonetheless, the little guy is just awesome.  Meawhile, Oliver attempts to gain his share of the hot dogs he and Dodger have stolen.  So there’s my synopsis of the part of the movie this song goes with.  Anyway, it was tough to knock some songs from Disney off the list, but how could I go against Billy Joel?  Plus he does us the word savoire faire, and who doesn’t love that?  This is just a feel good song, ain’t it?  I mean seriously.

#14 “Hakuna Matata” from The Lion King

Doesn’t everyone just love Timon and Puma?  The best line from perhaps the greatest Disney animated film of all-time is uttered by the farting warthog when he roars, “They call me ‘Mister Pig’!”  Aside from the lovable-ness of the two characters starring in this bit, “Hakuna Matata” is also the most feel-good song in any Disney film.  It takes us from the dark scary place of Simba’s fear, shame, and depression to a much happier and grub-filled world of eternal bliss where there is a distinct absence of murderous uncles to worry about and no water buffalo with the ability to run down a ninety degree incline.  This song is so joyous!

#13 “Everybody Wants to Be a Cat” from The Aristocats

The never failing Disney star power of Phil Harris (Little John in Robin Hood, Baloo in Jungle Book, and of course Thomas O’Malley in the Aristocats) is joined by a great name, Scatman Crothers, to deliver the most memorable song from the Parisian felines.  I wouldn’t recommend watching the video if you’re epileptic, because the scene is a little ridiculous with the colors and the cats and the racist Asian cat and the dancing cats and cats everywhere.  The only real question, is how many times has O’Malley used this routine with Scatcat to impress a little lady?  Their little dance routine seemed obnoxiously choreographed to have been impromptu.  Still love it though.

#12 “Friend Like Me” from Aladdin

I was clueless to the fact that Robin Williams played Genie until like three years ago, but I digress.  This is the fastest paced song we’ve seen so far as Robin Williams just hams as he describes to Aladdin his phenomenal genie powers and all that nonsense in what is a fantastic video to watch.  Although in the end, we see the sadistic nature of the genie as he taunts Aladdin with all these treasures and women and food, but suddenly takes it all away.  It’s like leading the horse with a carrot.  The Genie is an absolute bastard, enticing Aladdin with all these pleasures of life…damn you Robin.

#11 “Be Prepared” from The Lion King

The little haunted liar of Scar provides such a phenomenal backdrop for this creepy and eerie song sung by Claudius, wait I mean Scar.  imagining that Cheech and Whoopi Goldberg play two of the hyenas in this scene is a little mind numbing.  The third hyena affectionately named Ed provides some tremendous comic relief, which is nice…anyway back to the song.  The song is really the key to the plot of the movie as it reveals Scar’s plot to take over the Pride Lands from James Earl Jones.  Also amazing is that Scar seems to be capable of making land rise through the power of his voice.  It is interesting to imagine how J.E.J. will counter this ability…finally notice the Nazi-esque marching.

#10 “A Whole New World” from Aladdin

Many people have long considered this the benchmark for all other Disney songs, and it is understandable why.   This tune is without a doubt Disney’s best work regarding songs, but this is a list of my favorites and it turns out it only gets the 10 spot.  Anyway, it is crazy how fast the magic carpet is.  Now, we don’t receive a true indicator of how much time is spent on the carpet, but it flies from Agrabah to Giza to Athens all in one night, minimum.  Now, we cannot be sure where Aladdin is located, but whether it is in India, Saudi Arabia, or the Fertile Crescent, we know the distance just to Egypt is substantial, then it is another 713 miles to Athens across the Mediterranean Sea. In other words, that carpet is cooking.

#9 “Go the Distance” from Hercules

The first thing one notices during this song is the ridiculous size of Hercules’s hands and feet.  I feel sorry for the poor lad.  Combine that with his clear pidgeon-toe and there is no way he is making any Olympic team this year.  People make fun of Hercules in the movie, but never once do they target his extra-large appendages.  For any experienced bully, such deformities are the weakest points on a person and easiest to attack.  Clearly I think this song is about Hercules overcoming those physical traits in order to become an athletic superstar.  In all seriousness, the positive nature of this song just makes me tear up a little.  It makes me want to do everything to the absolute best of my abilities so I may also “go the distance”.

#8 “Part of Your World” from The Little Mermaid

It is in this scene we discover Ariel’s chronic hoarding disorder.  Her numerous amount of trinkets which she cannot help to understand neither the value nor the use of is incredible.  Also, Ariel uses the song as an opportunity to throw a little jab at King Triton by saying he admonishes her dreams and is holding her down from becoming the true champ of the day she believes she can be…in the end, I love Jodi Benson’s voice in this song.  It is such a like childish and sweet voice.  It’s the type of voice I would want singing my children to sleep at night.  It’s the only song Ariel sings on the entire soundtrack and she just went in there and killed it.

#7 “Kiss the Girl” from The Little Mermaid

We go back to back with Little Mermaid songs as the best love song in all of Disney makes an appearance at #7.  Sebastian reveals the influence he has over the water-world as the entire lagoon agrees to aid him in getting Eric to kiss Ariel in order to break Ursula’s spell thingy.  Disney also reveals a distinct dislike of eels, which honestly no one can blame them for that nonsense.  One of my favorite parts of any song on this is list is when the frogs hop on the oar and the song goes on “sha-la-la-la-la-la my oh my look at the boy too shy, ain’t gonna kiss the girl.  sha-la-la-la-la-la ain’t it absurd, a shame too bad, he’s gonna miss the girl”.  Ah, romance.

#6 “I Just Can’t Wait to Be King” from The Lion Kingn

Simba concocts this song as a plot to get away from Zazu in order to go visit the Hyena’s Shadow Lands/Elephant Graveyard.  In the second most elaborate plot ever (behind the Joker’s plan to steal Lao/kill Rachel Doss/turn Harvey Dent into Two-Face in the Dark Knight) the entire savannah joins in to trap Zazu underneath a Rhino.  The song itself is just really neat.  The fast-paced, jovial singing is a step away from Disney’s archetypal song.  Little Simba and Nala killed the singing, done by Jason Weaver and Lauren Williams.  When it’s all said and done, the song is just a good listen.  It’s like a radio song, not a Disney song.

#5 “Be Our Guest” from The Beauty and the Beast

Anyone who tells you they don’t love this song is lying, because every single part of it is awesome.  When Lumiere mutters, “We’ll prepare and serve with flair a culinary cabaret” I have to retrain my hands to keep from applauding all out.  The question I’m everyone else wants answered, though, is when the (spoiler…wait, who hasn’t seen Beauty and the Beast) spell is broken at the end, are there no dishes left in the castle?  Does the Prince need to go out and purchase a new china set?  What about every other inanimate object?  Are there no more escritoires?  No more dusters?  It worries me.  And does the Prince have any money left?  Has he been collecting taxes from his fiefdom?  I hope so, for Belle’s sake.

#4 “Colors of the Wind” from Pocahontas

You want an anthem?  Pocahontas has an anthem for you.  This song is literally just awesome.  I really wanted to put it higher, but in the end it only gained the fourth spot on the countdown.  I honestly don’t know if there is more emotion behind a Disney song than this one.  One can just feel the pure feeling behind the words being sung by Pocahontas (Judy Kuhn).  I mean if I was John Smith, I’d feel like a total asshole for acting like such a hotshot because of my immense travels.  Pocahontas just takes his pride and balls it up into a wad and throws it in his face, saying “You’re an idiot”.  Best of all is that she does it via song. I

#3 “I Won’t Say (I’m in Love)” from Hercules

I concede that Hercules’s Meg does not have the best voice on this list.  In fact, it is possible that she may have the roughest sounding voice of anyone on this list.  The song, however, is awesome.  The Muses give us a little flair in the background of the song pleading with Megara to just admit she has fallen for the large footed hero of Greece.  One thing which is apparent in the video is Meg was created by Disney to be a precursor to Shakira as she can move her hips in the absolute most amazing ways, somtimes dipping her abdomen beneath her hips.  Finally, clearly Disney takes advantage of the fat factor of humor by utilizing the short fat muse continuously.

#2 “Strangers Like Me” from Tarzan

Phil Collins from Genesis singing Disney?  Jeez, Disney has some big-time heavyweights in terms of singers and writers.  I mean we’ve already had Billy Joel, why not Phil Collins? Anyway, this song is just a vocal powerhouse.  Honestly it is one hell of a performance, and probably even a better song than my #1, but it doesn’t have the same meaning and doesn’t draw out my love like #1.  The only real thing I get from the video is how ridiculous it is that Jane ever falls for Tarzan.  He’s such a ape, like literally.  I mean of all Disney relationships, this is the absolute, 100% oddest.  Anyway, I love the song and Phil Collins kills it.  Every fiber of my being is affected when I hear the words being sung, especially the chorus…so huge.

#1 “Hellfire” from The Hunchback of Notre Dame

I had such a hard time deciding between #1 and #2.  I am literally in love with both of the top 2 songs, more than anyone should be with Disney music.  Claude Frollo may be one of the most hated and evil men in Disney, but he also gives one hell of a melodramatic performance.  I am a little scared that he’s on some sort of drugs whilst performing this because he has some scary hallucinations throughout.  Regarding why I love this song, well just like Meg’s song, we don’t have the highest quality of voices, but the song is just so well written and so well performed it beyond makes up for it.  Much like Pocahontas’s emotion-packed performance in “Colors of the Wind”, we once again see someone going for it, wanting it.  This song was my first love in terms of Disney vocalization.

So there you have it, my list of MY favorite 15 songs from Disney.  I know they all come from animated films, but who would ever pick a song from a non-animated one, seriously?

 

 

8 Things to Always Avoid in Sports:

Some things are just obvious, such as not selecting a person without arms to play for your MLB franchise, but sometimes people avoid obvious miscues in sports.  The sports’ world “no-no’s” are all around you, here you go, a list for you:

#8: Drafting a Running Back in the First Round:

Named: “KiJana-ing”

Running back is theoretically one of the most important positions on the football field since he’ll touch the ball second most only kneeling to the Quarterback; however, it is also one of the easier positions to play on the football field.  Running backs need only one thing to be successful: a big o-line.  It doesn’t matter how if one has the blazing speed of Chris Johnson or the power style of Brandon Jacobs, if your line doesn’t do its job, then neither do you.

Like This

Also, a great running back doesn’t have to be found in the first round.  If I submit Adrian Peterson, not a single one of the best running backs this past season in the NFL was drafted in the first round.  LeSean McCoy, Ray Rice, Matt Forte, and Maurice Jones Drew were all taken in the second round.  Frank Gore was a third rounder.  Michael Bush was selected in the fourth round.  Michael Turner was selected in the fifth round.  Fred Jackson and my boy Arian Foster were undrafted.

Arian also writes poetry in his spare time

Finally, the career for a running back is so dependent on injury that the reward of a first round pick on a running back does not come close to the rewards offered by such a selection.  Adrian Peterson, Jahvid Best, and Darren McFadden are all prominent running backs who who drafted in the first round…all sustained serious injuries this season.

#7 Overpay for a Relief Pitcher:

Named: “Bowden-ing”

When one looks at the important positions on the baseball field, relief pitcher should actually be held in pretty high regard.  The only reason one should never ever overpay for a reliever is because there are so many available and all are capable of getting the job done.  Many feel a reliever who can absolutely fire a ball at over 100 mph is the best type of reliever, but Trevor Hoffman became baseball’s all-time saves leader with a 86 mph fastball.  People who think it is a good idea to go out and sign a reliever who had a great year for double-digit millions of dollars are fools.

#6 Set Expectations (especially high ones)

Named: “Broadway Joe-ing”

It may seem redundant, but sometimes setting low expectations can be as bad as setting high ones.  Whenever a player talks about how poorly his is doing (much less expecting his team to fail) he is setting himself up for ridicule from not only other teammates, but management, fans, and the media as well.  When Greg McElroy set the Jets locker room has been a troubled place, he was on SportsCenter and analysts criticized him as being seemingly the stupidest person in the NFL.

I didn't expect that I'd be in the NFL either.

Clearly people can see the Jets locker room is in turmoil, but a player should never say it.  But, as bad as setting low expectations can be, setting high ones can end careers.  The most infamous of players making guarantees about winning games or worse championships.  It’s okay to say the team’s goal is to “win the championship” but to say “we are going to win the championship” paints a target on your face not just for opposing teams, but the media as well because as soon as you slip up it’s roasting time.  Athletes and coaches alike should just learn from the past and shut their goddamn math before attempting their best Joe Namath impression.

There can only be one!!

#5 Count on Talented Freshman:

Named: Calipari-ing

Every year we hear the same thing in college basketball about these superstar freshman who are going to come in and absolutely steal the spotlight from anyone older than 18/19.  Every year come NCAA tournament time we hear a new tune from the so-called analysts.  Rather than hype up the “diaper dandies” we hear about how this team has “senior leadership” or “tournament experience”.  The regular season consists of “I don’t know how anyone can beat John Wall and DeMarcus Cousins” and in the tournament suddenly people are singing “DeSean Butler, Wellington Smith, and Casey Mitchell have the poise from experience and have the leadership of upperclassmen and that overcame the talent of Kentucky”.

They also had Bob Huggins...Kentucky never stood a chance.

Even last year, it was Butler and Uconn in the championship.  Both teams relied on upperclassmen (juniors and seniors) not freshman to get to the National Title game.  VCU made it to the final four and also rode the back of upperclassmen.  So when filling out your bracket come tournament time, look for teams that have upperclassmen (not freshman) leading the charge and I promise you won’t be disappointed.

#4 Select a Big 12 Quarterback:

Named: “Gabbert-ing”

When Sam Bradford is the first name someone uses to argue that Big 12 Quarterbacks can be successful in the NFL, I already know I have the quarrel won.  Bradford has been okay in St. Louis, but other Big 12 failures are ripe throughout the NFL.  Blaine Gabbert may have been the most unimpressive of all rookies this season.  He was far outdone by second rounder Andy Dalton and even players who hardly received opportunities like Jake Locker looked better than Gabbert.

Even the Red Rifle's copper locks are more bearable than Gabbert's dirty mullet

Colt McCoy is likely to be replaced come April 2012.  Vince Young was good his first year, but lost the starting job to Kerry Collins.  There is a reason why Quarterbacks like Graham Harrell and Chase Daniel never get the opportunity despite more than solid college careers.  Everyone knows the Big 12 frowns on teams who play any type of defense whatsoever.  Dana Holgorsen couldn’t wait to get his West Virginia Air Raid into the defensively challenged conference.  Soon, Gary Patterson and TCU will be run out of town like Nebraska was and find itself in the Big USA (also known as the Big East).  While RG3 was my boy this year, I don’t like his odds in the NFL due to his spread offense at Baylor and the obvious fact that he’s a Big-12 Quarterback…drafters beware!

#3 Negotiate with a Japanese Player:

Named: “Darvish-ing”

Quick! what was the cost for the Texas Rangers to just start negotiating with Yu Darvish?  If you answered $51.7 million then you win my respect.  The Rangers “won” the Darvish bid war and eventually signed the Japanese “prodigy” to a 6-year $60 million contract.

CC chuckles at the platry number of $10 million/year

The deal is idenetical to the headline grabbing one of Daisuke Matsuzaka and the Boston Red Sox back in 2006…how has Daiskue done in the MLB?  His career ERA is a mediocre 4.18.  He does have a nice winning percentage of .630, but I could go .500 with the Red Sox offense.  The Cubs also went over to Japan for a player.  The club nabbed Kosuke Fukudome as its prize.  The Cubs paid him $12 million/year and he’s been less impressive than Dice-K.  All you need to know is on Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kosuke_Fukudome.  Ichiro remains the constant in Japanese successes in the MLB, but Dice-K’s mediocrity and Fukudome’s awfulness leave me questioning the Ranger’s $111.7 million dollar decision on Yu Darvish.

Yu Darvish.....Darvin Ham?

#2 Argue with the Referees:

Named:”Krzyzewski-ing”

Arguing calls made by officials in any sport is as pointless as a brand new pencil (wow, see what I did there?)

Because it's dull...

Anyway, I mean not only would an official never go back on his word because a coach or player says something, but honestly he cannot.  To screw the opposing team over by saying, “Actually, I think you’re right and fuck what I just said” is pretty ridiculous.  Obviously there are make-up calls and what have you, but those things are so transient and often the momentum gained by the first missed call is so overpowering compared to the make-up call made four baskets later.  Arguing can culminate in two ways: 1) absolutely nothing happens and the game continues or 2) you obtain a technical foul or ejection often costing your team points, morale, and psyche.

#1 Win Too Much or Become Too Good:

Named: “Yankee-ing”

I considered many different names for this, but I figured instead of finding a single individual we must go to the archetypal example: the New York Yankees.  Once you start winning too much, every fan in a different area code from your team automatically is born with an inbred hatred of your team.  The best examples are the Yankees, the Miami Heat, Tim Tebow, Bill Belichick, and Kentucky/Duke basketball.  If there is one thing Americans enjoy more than sport itself, it is watching a favorite lose to an underdog.  Watching a titan fall is like cocaine for American sports fans and is what keeps us coming back.  There is no better night for me than when Duke, Kentucky, and North Carolina all lose in basketball.  One of my favorite games is Duke-UNC because one of them has to lose (do not be the cynic to my optimism and say one of them has to win, please:D).  Once you become a great team ro program, everyone begins to wish fro your downfall.  Everyone loved watching 18-0 New England squander a perfect season against the Giants a few years back and the highlight of Florida State beating Duke at the buzzer only a couple of nights ago is a clip loved by all noble sports connoisseurs.

Ah, the sweet taste of Duke failure.

That’s my list, enjoy.

9 Debates not for the Faint of Heart

Sometimes it takes a real sage to settle the greatest debate among mankind.  I have 9 issues (mainly non-serious…in fact all non-serious) but I have nine issues (18 debaters) trying to vie for their spot at the top of their respected place in society.  I heard their arguments and came to my conclusions on some of the greatest debates going on inside the teenage mind!

#9 More entertaining: College or The NFL?

Argument by College Football:

Playing only for Tide's Pride

This is a game where everything counts.  The regular season is thrilling an exciting.  Every week you can count on a game worth watching and you don’t even need an extra package.  Thursday, Friday, and Saturdays are hallowed evenings to spent with and your television.  This is not a game involving professionals, but a game of pride where student-athletes compete hard for school glory and championships.  College Football is beautiful because for the teams the game is all about pride and proving your school is number one.  Forget big time publicity and money hungry players.  This league has talent to please and intrigue to compound.  It has intensity that no NFL rivalry can hope to replicate.  Steelers-Ravens?  Teams cannot even touch half the rivalries at the college level.  College is all about pride and drive.  This emotion withheld at the amateur level is why it is just plain better than the Big Business NFL.

Argument by NFL:

Tom is so Suave!

NCAA you must be crazy to try and match-up with the Godfather of entertainment.  We’ve been bringing in revenue like no other entertainment venue for years.  Obviously we’re the better league, just look at how the people react.  The Super Bowl is consistently one of the most watched nights of television.  C’mon NCAA, other pro leagues cannot keep up, what’re y’all thinking?  We’ve got all your best players and then some.  People want to watch players make a solid impact and look like superstars.  If you want to watch football who are you picking, Tom Brady or Andrew Luck?  Calvin Johnson or Alshon Jeffery?  Adrian Peterson or Trent Richardson?  Now we’ll admit you guys have some spectacular rivalries: Michigan-Ohio State, Notre Dame-USC, and Alabama-Auburn to name only three.  We, however, have 32 teams that can all compete with each other and win any given Sunday.

Winner: College Football by a step and a half…nothing can match the emotion that goes into every game on Saturday and no pro outcome can match the excitement of a heated college contest or upset.

#8 More Disappointing: ‘05 USC or ‘07 N.D.?

Argument by ’05 USC:

NO!!!!!!....

We were supposed to be the greatest team of all time…what’s more disappointing than the greatest team of all time not winning the National Title?  How’a bout losing to a team who only had one offensive threat?  We had talent an NFL team would envy.  Two Heisman trophy winners and expectations greater than any other team.  SportsCenter gave us our own segment comparing us to great teams over the years and Mark May saying we’d beat them.  Ironically we ended up losing to a Texas team that was considered an afterthought heading into Pasadena (yeah the game was in our own backyard).  We had a 29 ppg margin of victory and “the greatest offense of all time”.  Nothing could stop us, we were a goddman juggernaut.  Even the best effort you losers put up against us in years couldn’t stop the pain train!  Of course that was until we lost to Texas in the Rose Bowl and failed to go wire-to-wire at #1 only because we lost.  Disappointment is spelled with a capital D when talking about the USC team of 2005!

Argument by ’07 Notre Dame:

No one should be this fat and on TV

We’re Notre Dame, one of the most traditional and proud programs in the country.  We had excitement building around our program with head coach Charlie Weis and back-to-back BCS appearances…(both losses, but still appearances).  WE had so much going for us and we were finally on our way back up to the top.  It wouldn’t be long and we’d be playing alongside you west coast braggarts with your long stupid hair.  But then we played Georgia Tech in week 1…and lost 33-3.  We lost every rivalry game this year except our 21-14 survival against Stanford in the last game of the season.  We got whomped by you all and Michigan, both 38-0.  We even lost to Purdue.  Finally, our 43-game winning streak against the Naval Academy fell through as the Midshipmen defeated us 44-41 in triple overtime.  It truly was a year to be embarrassed about and shoved our program back into a hole which we are yet to escape out.  A proud program falling into a pit of losing and going 3-9 against a relatively weak schedule?  That’s disappointment.

Winner: 2005 USC by a mile.  The Trojans lost a game they were supposed to win and were hyped to win for an entire year.  At least Notre Dame came in unranked and is well known for its continuous disappointment of fans.

#7 More Guy Perfect: Boobs or Indoor Plumbing?

Argument by Boobs:

For Boobs!

We’re boobs.  That’s pretty much all we have to say.  I mean what guy doesn’t love boobs?  We come bouncing into a bar and what’s the first thing a guy notices, us.  We’re in guys’ psyches and no one can deny it.  You eavesdrop on a group of guys talking in a basement or pretty much anywhere and the odds we’re a part of the conversation is roughly 73%.  You, indoor plumbing, are nothing but a convenience that guys hardly even consider when not in use.  We boobs are always, at the minimum, in the back of a guy’s mind if not in the front.  Those guys, hahah oh the guys, they are always thinking about us.  It’s crazy how much we’re on their mind .  You should just stop trying to argue that you’re more dude perfect than we are, because honestly indoor plumbing, it’s gotten a little sad.  Just sit back and do your job and be ignored until you’re needed.  We’ll continue being important to guys.

Argument by Indoor Plumbing:

Wash'em and Eat'em

A petty trick, oh fantastic flesh, but you will not scare me away.  I supply more than just those men you are talking about.  What about the 10% of guys who don’t even consider you?  Yeah, I mean now I’m inching closer.  Step back, because I may be an inanimate object, but I’m coming at’cha reckless!  I’m used multiple times a day.  I’m not just the excretion expert, but I allow the gentlemen to clean themselves in via shower or bath.  You can wash your food and yourself!  And I mean obviously you can make sure your backyard doesn’t smell like a cow pie, literally a cow pie.  I am more important than anyone realizes.  Dudes, c’mon and think.  You may lust after boobs, but who do you use more often and who never rejects or taunts you?  I’m always there for you whenever you need it.  Just walk through the door to the tile floor and I’ll be waiting for you:)

Winner: Boobs by a stride…explanation unnecessary

#6 More Trustworthy: Casey Anthony or a Rabid Honey Badger?

Argument by Casey Anthony:

On the rocks, baby!

(pour glass of scotch) I’m a human being!  I mean come on, putting me up against a (puff puff) wild animal?  I know that I (sip) have some problems but that doesn’t mean I’m (puff puff) less trustworthy than some kind of rodent.  I (sip) was innocent of the crime that everyone thinks I (sip) committed.  (pour), sorry, just topping myself off.  Okay, now (sip) I still have no clue why this is even a question (sip).  I (drink) am a good person.  I’m a (drink) a mother…well, I was a mother (pour onto floor)…(pour new glass).   Tgis Basger needs to grt our og my face (sip).  I am a giid persin hoo has a write to be taken setirosly!  (sip) I git no kredit 4 my geret work wiff my kidz.  You people need 2 stpp tring to maje me feel stoopid.  (drains glass)………………………passes out

Argument by the Honey Badger:

Honey Badger=King of Animals

I look cute and cuddly, don’t I?  I know that I got a bad rep because I climb trees to kill monkeys and nonsense.  I’ve been known to take down the occasional King Cobra and yes I will dive head first into a bee hive in order to gain a meal, but I mean this is not because I am reckless or an imbecile, no.  I am a proud and regal animal.  I never let any beast, no matter the despicable nature or frightening get in the way of mine defending of my children.  My honor lies in my defense of the defenseless and the protection of those who cannot protect themselves.  This is why I act as a rabid quadruped who appears to have no regard for my own well-being.  I am busy trying to make sure the world is full of safety for those who cannot be sure by his or herself.  It is obvious this Casey Anthony has no regard for anyone but herself and has no idea what the real meaning of life is.  As my hero Socrates would say, “Do the right thing.”

Winner: The Honey Badger by light years.  The Honey Badger is cute and cuddly and it knows the difference between right and wrong.

#5 Better Game: Zoo Tycoon or Roller Coaster Tycoon?

Argument by Zoo Tycoon:

Far too small for lions, they multiply at an excessive rate!

I’m a game that is second to none.  I was really revolutionary.  People love zoos and building the zoos can become contagious.  People watch their friends play, mainly because their friends cannot move away from the screen.  Every zoo is different, but best of all I supply a secret code that a player can use in order to have infinite amounts of money from the start.  Roller Coaster Tycoon?  No dice, you have to slave away and try and make money which always ends the same way: you try create a super badass coaster and it come out with an intensity rating of 13.50 and none of your guests will even sniff it because it’s so scary (we mean awesome, but the game doesn’t understand).  In zoo tycoon, you can really just build exhibits and not worry about something obnoxious happen.  As long as you don’t n00b completely this game is really a no fail.  If you’re looking for something a little more exciting then just place a shelter in front of the entrance/exit and release all the animals and watch/enjoy!

Argument by Roller Coaster Tycoon:

So much burning!!

Really?  You’re trying to tell me people cannot get away from you, Zoo Tycoon?  It takes hours for someone to design just one coaster on me.  They concentrate and forget the clock and suddenly two hours have passed and finally their masterpiece is complete!  But, despite the lengthy tasks I present, people continue to play because I am so damn fun!  Unlimited money?  What about my maps which have literally unlimited funds?  Sure you cannot let your park rating drop below 700, but just hire an obscene amount of handymen and the problem is solved!  And you wanna talk about an extra excitement factor, I’ve got you by tenfold.  You may be able to let animals loose and eat guests, but I allow a devious mastermind to build a lunch roller coaster that flies out of the station platform at 80 miles and hour and fly off the track and into the hour before falling and crashing into the turf.  Also you can drown people, so much fun!

Winner: Zoo Tycoon by a yard.  Both games are excellent, but zoo tycoon is just more entertaining and offers you the ability to build up your park/zoo for longer.

#4 Funnier Ferrell Flick: Step Brothers or Anchorman

Argument by Step Brothers:

It's Shark Week!

I bring to the table such memorable quotes as, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I will kick you repeatedly in the balls, Gardocki”, “I’m not calling him dad, ever.  Not even if there’s a fire!”, “I like it!”, “I’m burying you”, “I have a belly full of white dog crap in me, and now you lay this shit on me?”, and “Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower and decides to come on to me. I’m looking good, got a luscious v of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro. She takes one look at me and goes ” Oh my god, I’ve had the old bull now I want the young calf” and she grabs me by the weiner.”  I have given more laughs to teenage guys than I know what to do with.  I’m an instant classic in the comedy world.  More than anything, I’m funnier because Will had the opportunity to master his craft before applying it to me.  Anchorman?  Hahaha, you’re a first draft!  I’m Will’s masterpiece, his coup de grace, his swan song.  Nothing will ever top me!

Argument by Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy:

Ron plays Jazz flute

Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I’ve just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you, to stop what you’re doing and listen….Step Brothers is a loser!  You call yourself a classic, when did you come out?  2008?  I have survived in the gauntlet of comedy movies for 4 years longer.  I have provided such quips as ” Sweet Lincoln’s mullet”, “By the Beard of Zeus”, “Antony and Cleopatra!”, “I’m in a glass case of emotion”, “You’re not Ron”, and “Dorothy Mantooth is a Saint!”.  My cast beats out yours by tenfold.  I mean the guy who played Derrick was a nice addition, but aside from Father Will and J.C.R. you’re nothing.  I have Father Will, Paul Rudd, Steve Carell, Vince Vaughn, Luke Wilson, Christina Applegate, Fred Willard, Seth Rogan, and Ben Stiller.  Bow to me, for I am the almighty work of Father Will.  He created me to be his greatest theatrical achievement and I shallst be it!

Winner: Anchorman’s cast gives it the upper hand and more quotable lines brings it through to a two step victory.

#3 More Hate-able: Duke or Kentucky (basketball)

Argument by Duke:

We don't believe in sidelines in Durham

How can you not hate us? We’re always winning which is the first criterion for a team to be “hate-able”.  We have the best arena to play college basketball in if you’re us.  Immediately the opposing team walks in and the student section which is literally on the court begins screaming as if they didn’t earn 4.0+ g.p.a’s in high school.  Dick Vitale is all over our dick.  He talks us up even when we aren’t playing, so that’s pretty neat and probably a little frustrating.  Our coach is a rat who likes to get the ear of refs and earn us multiple calls which are clearly bullshit and he’s also very ugly.  Maybe we forgot to mention that he’s the winningest coach in men’s history!  Yeah, we pretty much got it all going for us here in Durham, North Carolina.  I mean the fact of the matter is that the analysts don’t hype up any team more than they do Duke.  We got all those ESPN boys and even the CBS guys wrapped in our hands and we squeeze them and squeeze them as they gasp for air and we allow it only because they promise to talk us up and makes us feel better about ourselves.  Yeah, we’re pretty awesome.

Argument by Kentucky:

And we're techinically responsible for this atrocity (the dance)

Excuse me, Duke…you say you are always winning?  Did it cross your cranium that y’all are goin’ up against the winningest program in D-1 basketball?  We hear your Cameron Indoor and we raise you Rupp Arena.  Hell, we just proved that we can beat them Tar Heel boys at home, unlike y’all.  We’re definitely bigger douches than you, I mean we get the best recruits year after year…must be frustratin’ for y’all others out there.  Shoot, I mean we reload year after year after year.  Best part about our school is that we ain’t no highfalutin group of lawyers and doctors to be who act like civilized bastards, nah.  We redneck and blue collar folk we enjoy a good hardwood tussle from time to time.  Our fans are true fans who come to the game not because they got the money, but because they got pride in their Wildcats.  So afore you keep up with yer attitude, I’ll tell you something, we are the more hated team.  We got winning and recruiting on our side and every school hates the winners and recruiters.

Winner: Duke by a three paces.  Maybe not as close as some may have expected, but the layout of Cameron Indoor (while awesome) and the ugliness of Coach K and constant complaining to the refs put Duke over the top.

#2 Worse Fate: Burning Alive or Drowning

Argument by Burning Alive:

I was going to use a burnt corpse...you're welcome for just fire.

It is pretty hot to be engulfed in flames.  I mean I know that I’m burning alive, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t know.  It’s suck.  I mean even just touching a lukewarm pan causes a shock to go down your spine.  Grasp the edge of a fresh-out-of-the-oven brownie pan and it’s au revoir to any use of hand.  If you get burned, it makes going in water painful.  I add to the experience of being in water, a decent argument I s’pose.  It’s beside the point to say burning alive would be painful, but dear lord the amount of time it lasts would be excruciating.  Just think, the fire has to burn through your clothes which will burn you.  Then burn through your flesh.  Subsequently, the fire burns you insides until they are roasted enough that you die when they fail.  I mean it’s a long process.  The whole time you’re running around screaming and making a scene.  Waking people up and they’re getting annoyed and suddenly you aren’t just burning alive but you’re the most hated guy in the neighborhood.  Painful, long death added to public humiliation?  Check-mate.

Argument by Drowning:

Muhahaha...fear me!

Impressive, Burning Alive.  You played some nice tricks and used some verbal Tom foolery to try and gain an upper hand, but alas I am here to stay.  Ask a person how they wouldn’t want to die and one more than likely mutters my name.  I am world renowned as the worst way to die.  I am utilized in more horror movies than I can count, plus I’m the only way to kill Jason Voorhees.  You talk about pain, what’s worse than knowing your dying and not being able to do anything about it?  When drowning there is no chance of survival.  When on fire, maybe a fireman arrives to douse you with his hose.  I feel as if I am slowly sucking the air from your lungs and then spilling my deathly clear liquid down your throat and into your lungs.  You can feel the teeny tiny amounts of Oxygen, but they run out before allowing you to even squander any breath.  Slowly you drift into the abyss to be lost forever, a forgotten member of society who hath met his fate at the hands of the infamous and nefarious Drowning.  Just my name makes people think of their worst life experiences.  Being stuck under the raft or being held underwater by  an older sibling as you try desperately to breathe.  I am feared!

Winner: burning alive by a half-step due to the heat.  It has to be so hot!  Plus it leaves your body all gross…disgusting.

#1 Better Wicked Song: “For Good” or “Defying Gravity”

Argument by “For Good” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQJaZO2nfGg

"For Good"

I am the finale of the musical.  Musicals aren’t written so the best song is directly before intermission.  It’s a fact that the finale is always the biggest anthem from a musical and, sorry baby while I love you, that’s me.  I am just emotion poured out.  Both Elphaba and Glinda release every once of spirit they have for this parting song.  I am enough to make a grown man cry and a teenage girl weep.  The opening words by Glinda just bring the wholesome message I preach to the world.  I am about emotion and love.  My message is clear and it is echoed throughout the world.  I may not be the most well known song, but popularity is beside the point.  I am an anthem and no one can deny that when Miss Elphaba and Miss Glinda begin to belt my lyrics toward the crowd all withheld passion is released.  Finally, the duet at the end is something you, my dear friend, cannot copy for your song focus primarily on Elphaba whilst I allow both stars to shine brightly on my stage.  I love you, Def, but unfortunately you are not the better song.

Argument by “Defying Gravity” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmWiwh8Ap2M&feature=fvst

Elphaba literally defying gravity

I know what you say when the finale is written to be the best song, but our musical is different…unique perhaps.  I did not become the most well known and popular song from Wicked without justified cause.  I am the definition of an anthem which you so fervently describe yourself as.  I boom and everyone knows when I am about to be played.  I’m world renowned and loved.  People anticipate my playing whenever they enter the music hall for a performance.  They sit on the edge of their seat throughout my playing until Elphaba blasts that last high note and the orchestra stops.  Then I wait patiently as I receive my standing ovation.  I may not feature your duet, but you do not have the booming command that I do. Who wants to hear Glinda sing anyway?  Elphaba is the star and she should get to take the lead in the real anthem of the play.  Finally, you talk about the message you send?  My message is one of independence; of breaking free from the fetters of society and creating one’s own life and not letting the man or the world bring you down.  That is a true message, my friend.

Winner: Defying Gravity takes it by the slimmest of margins, a single millimeter.  Both songs are fabulous and they both just make me get all giddy inside.  Defying takes it only because I love the high note Elphaba hits at the end and I love when Elphaba speaks the line “And nobody in all of Oz, no wizard that there is or was is ever going to bring me” and then belts with all her might, “DOWN!”

So there you have it.

5 Status Topics No One Wants to Read

There are few things in the world as irritating as people making stati on Facebook which are grueling to read.  Sometimes you read a status and immediately judge the maker because of the ridiculousness of the status formed, but I am here to spread my wisdom and hypocrisy in order to make sure your Facebooking methods are on par for being read-able and bearable for the Facebook community you are a member of!

#5 How Tired You Are From Working/School

The reason these stati are so irritating and why no one is interested is because no one wants to hear about your own problems.  People are far more worried about their own problems and issues to be worrying about others.  People pretty much look at this status and think, “no way he/she is as tired as I am!”  People will instantly comment, “I agree, world sucks” or the like.  What they really mean is, “You are complaining about how tired you are?  You can’t even begin to touch my level of fatigue!”  People are far too involved with themselves to even begin to consider your own well being.  To cap it all off, your job in society probably is less involved than the grind a student grows through on a daily basis.  Students spend hours upon hours working, even after the day at school has ended.

This is hard! My feet ache!

#4 Chain StatiWhen creeping around on Facebook, few things are as annoying as the long chain stati people decide are fun to post.  Examples of such include: “If you love God, post this (remember he can see if you don’t!)”, “If you love your mom make this your status (a kid’s mom died a year after he didn’t do this)”, and the always classic “If you don’t repost this then you’re gay”.  Honestly, does anyone really give a flying hill of beans about

Now,picture flight!

this?  I would much rather witness a knoll of fruit cascading through the air any day of the week and twice every other day.  Chain stati may be the most annoying of the posts on this list, mainly because they don’t even convey a message allowing you to gossip and/or whomp on the status-maker (unless it happens to be a male, then whomp all you want!).  The fact of the matter is that chain stati usually subsist to serve a singular purpose: to try and make you feel guilty about not re-posting.  Honestly, if you didn’t re-post and your mother died, I’d imagine you’d be quite perturbed, but until that day comes I pray everyone of you who reads this blog entry joins with me in the crusade against chain stati for they pollute our Facebook news foods as heaping mounds of not flying beans, but flying guilt!

The equivalent of a Chain Stati

#3 College Acceptance/Other Academic Acheivements

Remember when I mentioned hypocrisy?  Okay, just checking, not that this next part has anything to do with hypocrisy.  Jesus once said the hypocrites are the worst of all people, but do recall he also stated that Satan may use Scripture for his own devices…I feel that I am only losing ground at this point….I digress.  It is a to assumes as a student that anyone else gives a flying hill of…in order to keep from repeating I’ll say dung about where you were accepted into college.  Whoopy, you made it into Kaplan?  Congrats!  I hear to make it in there you need at least a 2.0 GPA or can spell the word psychic which any sensible child had learned from Pokemon long before needing it in order to get into college.

Who's that Pokemon??? It's Alakazam!

At any rate, college acceptance is a marvelous thing.  It both officially ends ones high school career and gives way to senior-itis, both important facets of life without which we could not hope to survive!  Other than college acceptance itself, people who choose to brag about their scores on various tests (standardized or school-related) also deserve to be punched hard in the face by Donny Bonaduce…he’s ripped, but he has that Napoleon Complex….he’s short.  Anyway, I accepted my blow when I posted about the 35 I earned on my ACT…..I’m doing again, aren’t I?  Dammit, my mama told me habits are hard to break…oh well.  No one really wants to hear if you did so excellent on your tests, because that type of bragging only turns you into a giant jackass that people want to punch square in the jaw and pray some of your teeth fall out.  I know I’m getting a bit graphic, but it’s all in good humor….but seriously they want to hit you in the face…so knock it off.

#2 Your Relationship Status/Problems/or How Much you Love your Squeeze

I don’t think people quite understand this sometimes, I know as a future billionaire and 5-time Grammy Award Attendee I have my own issues coping with it, but the world does not revolve around you.  Maybe Planet Ashley (I apologize to all Ashley’s before hand, I know many Ashley’s and you are all wonderful, it was the first name that arrived in my cerebellum I digress)  revolves around you, but Planet Earth (fairly more important) does not.  I know you may think all 400 of your friends, 65 of them who you actually know, care about how much you love Ron (I do not disclaim Ron’s, I’ve never met a Ron I like), but honestly there maybe four friends who do: Your best friend, Ron’s sister, your mother, and Ron.  No one else is interested in how mad in love the dynamic duo of you two has fallen in the three weeks you’ve been dating…so hush.  As for those who find it acceptable to post stati every hour about how much you regret what has transpired…people still don’t care.  You ex-partner will not log onto Facebook, see “I’m so sorry I fucked your friend”, and decided, “Yeah, he/she probably means it.”  So please, save yourself the embarrassment and allow that story to seep through the rumor mill the way it was meant to  and don’t ruin the fun by spilling he beans (what is it with me and beans?) all at once.  Yours truly, Yadam.

I have a feeling she was lying....haha, get it?

#1 How Much You Drink/When You’re Drinking/Everything Involving Drinking

I remember one time a friend of mine put up a status about drinking…it was riotous.  We nearly crucified the poor kid, but to be fair to the rest of us, he forced us with his insanity and douchebagged-ness.  There are probably a good number of people who would go berserk with laughter should I create a status saying, “Liver, I apologize for what I am ’bout to put you through tonight.”  If my flagrant use of ’bout did not set off the douche alarm, then the status itself is sure fire.  Fortunately while I may be guilty of making a status about my ACT score, I have refrained completely from the realm of drinking stati.  I hear there’s a shortage of chairs there.  Anyway, people are not interested to know if you have set a new record for the night with an astounding 13 beers (all lagers, no light beers, shit is for softies).  Also, no one is interested in how hungover you are from the biggest bash you’ve ever attended.  Maybe it was cool to be a drunken idiot back in freshman year, but when you’re a junior or senior in high school or beyond, realize everyone else is partaking in alcoholism as much as you are.  Luckily not everyone feels the need to publicly publish their proudest performance of inebriation on the internet.  So quit acting like you’re so high and mighty because you and your three friends beat Joe and his three friends in a case race and settle back in a lounge chair, crack open a beer or (if you prefer as I do) a bottle of Juicy Juice Grape and sail away with friends.  Do not express your drinking habits to the world, because the world doesn’t care and it’ll only earn you ridicule both to your face and behind your back…Cheers!

Besides, no matter how hard you go, this guy has you beaten

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