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College Gameday Drinking Game: Week 14

To Start:
Take a drink for each person wearing a black suit coat.
My Friend Game: One person is designated “My friend”.  Every time Corso says, “Not so fast, my friend” everyone besides the designated person finishes his drink.  The last person to finish becomes the new “My friend” for not being fast enough.  When Lee says “Not so fast, [ ]” with any ending besides, “Friend”, the Friend must drink until Lee stops talking.
Pollack’s Bitch Game: One person is designated as David Pollack Bitch.  Every time David Pollack insults a team, player, or coach, Pollack’s bitch drinks for five seconds and then passes the roll onto some of his choice.
Analyst Game: Pick an analyst (Kirk, Lee, or Desmond).  Each time your analyst is shown alone on camera or previews a game take a drink….if you’re analyst goes off screen, the person who takes his place at the table is now your analyst (for better or for worse).
Additionally, if two analysts are shown on screen, you must compete in paper-rock-scissors with a person who has selected the other analyst.  IF you lose, you take a drink.
Signs and Flags
Take a drink for each Washington state flag in the background
Take a drink for each sign using the word “Iron Bowl”
Take a drink for each sign referencing Nick Saban

Take a drink for each sign playing off of ESPN
Take a drink for each sign referencing War Eagle
Take a drink for each sign referencing Gus Malzahn
The Samantha Ponder Game:
Take a drink each time Samantha Ponder is shown.
If when she’s shown, you think Samantha Ponder is a Smokeshow continue drinking until she is off screen.
During the show:
If at any point during the show, an analyst picks your alma mater or favorite team to win, finish your beer.  (If picked during Saturday Selection, you only need to finish only a single beer)
Make sure to continue following the “My Friend”, “Pollack’s Bitch”, and “Analyst” games
Take a drink every time Braxton Miller, Jameis Winston, or a Duke player is shown.
Take a drink whenever your alma mater is mentioned
Take a drink each time the word “Iron Bowl” is mentioned
Drink for the amount of seconds you think are equal to the length of Paul Finebaum’s ears (in inches) when he is shown the first time.
Take a drink every time a stadium is shown.
Take a drink each time Ohio State and Auburn are compared
Take a drink whenever Jameis Winston or his charges are mentioned
Take a drink whenever the word “Thanksgiving” is said.
Take a drink every time Kirk says “Win Big”
Take a drink every time Lee Corso says “Closer than the experts think.” or “By a field goal”
Take a drink each time Lee Corso stumbles over his words.
Take a drink whenever Lee Corso mispronounces “Auburn”
Finish a beer if the guest picker is Charles Barkley
Take a drink every time The Bear is shown.
Perform the Saturday Selections.  Each time you agree with your analyst, take a drink.  Each time you disagree, take 3 drinks.  If you fail to make a pick, take 5 drinks.  (Desmond’s partners will be paired with the guest picker.)
During the Alabama-Auburn pick, if Lee Corso says the words “War Eagle” finish a beer…if he says “Roll Tide” finish a beer.  If Lee Corso wears the Big Al head finish another beer…if Kirk Herbstreit plays with the elephant’s trunk, finish another beer.

Analyst Game: Pick an analyst (Kirk, Lee, or Desmond).  Each time your analyst is shown alone on camera or previews a game take a drink….if you’re analyst goes off screen, the person who takes his place at the table is now your analyst (for better or for worse).

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Picks Against the Spread: Week 14

RT16

Game Spread Pick Info
#16 South Carolina vs #5 Clemson S. Car. -5.0 Clemson The Tigers picked me up a win against THE CITADEL WHICH IS THE BEST TEAM EVER SO WHY WOULDN’T THEY BEAT THE SPREAD CeAGAINST THE MEASLY GAMECOCKS?
#15 Central Florida vs South Florida UCF -27.0 UCF UCF quick facts: 7-3 against the spread.  All three losses have come as a double figure favorite (Memphis, Houston, Temple).  The Knights beat a 17.5 spread against Rutgers last night.  South Florida is terrible.
#14 Mizzeruh vs #12 Texas A&M Mizzou -4.5 Texas A&M I’m taking the points.  I’m not sure if I feel Johnny Ca$h and company can take down Mizzeruh, but I just have to believe in my main man.  Missouri has way more motivation in this game.  Here are the facts: A&M is 5-6 against the spread, Mizzeruh is 8-2-1 versus the spread and 6-1 against the SEC, and Mizzeruh’s two spread losses are as a home favorite.
#13 Michigan State vs Minnesota MSU -14.5 Minn. I’m extremely nervous about picking against Michigan State.  The Spartans are 7-3-1 against the spread; however, they lost their only Big Ten spread when favored by more than 10 against Purdue.
#11 Louisiana State vs arKANSAS LSU -24.5 LSU I’ve picked against arKANSAS each time I’ve seen them play.  And I’m 3-0.  Hoorah.  My only concern is the SEX-iest conference playing a game before Saturday, but I guess this is Thanksgiving week and all so we’ll let them slide and keep considering them a real conference.
#10 Oregon vs Oregon State Oregon -23.0 Oregon St. This is the first time I’ve picked against the Ducks this season.  The Beavers have an explosive offense and should be able to keep up and keep it close.  Ducks get the win, but the Beavers get the check against Big Brother in the 2013 edition of Civil War.
#9 Arizona State vs Arizona ASU -10.5 ASU I picked against both of these teams, normally Pac-12 mediocre squads.  This year, both have been impressive at times and Arizona State CONTROLS ITS OWN DESTINY for the Pac-12 Championship Game.  No reason to think the motivation, home field advantage, and talent on Arizona State’s side keeps the game within two scores.
#8 Stanford vs Notre Dame Stan -14.5 Notre Dame I don’t think Notre Dame is very good, but 14.5 is just a huge spread for a rivalry game of this magnitude.  Even in years when one team has appeared out-matched, the academic battle royale seems to always be close.  Stanford gets the win, but I’m throwing away the points.
#7 Baylor @ TCU Baylor -13.0 Baylor I don’t really know who wouldn’t take these points.  It reminds me of the Oregon spread against Utah following the loss to Stanford…wait, Oregon is 0-3 in the last three against the spread?  They haven’t won since that depressing loss in Palo Alto?  Well then, maybe I should take the horned frogs……..nope.
#4 Auburn vs #2 Buhmuh Buhmuh -10.5 Auburn 10.5 in this edition of the Iron Bowl seems like a helluva lot, doesn’t it?  I mean this is supposed to be the biggest and most important game of the entire college football season.  Auburn had a bye week to prepare, has the type of offense that Buhmuh and Nick Saban hate to play against, and have so much fire/emotion following the epic win over Georgia.  I’m not saying Auburn wins, I’m just saying this one will likely come down to the wire.
#3 Ohio State @ M*#%*!&n Bucks -16 Ohio State You didn’t think an OSU alum would pick Michigan, did you?  I wouldn’t call myself entirely bias, but I’m definitely not a Kirk Herbstreit type who feels favoring his alma mater is the biggest crime this side of the equator.  Michigan has a lot of problems, namely running and throwing the ball on offense.  Ohio State should be able to put up as many points as Urban Meyer feels necessary.  We’ll see what happens.
#1 Florida State vs Florida FSU -27.5 Florida I actually care who Florida State is playing.  Florida at home, in this rivalry, Will Muschamp needing a saving grace for the season?  It’s tough to see the Gators not giving it their all and even having a punchers chance as the clock nears 00:00.

The Real Top 16

Hey sports fans….

#16 South Carolina, 9-2 (def. Coastal Carolina 70-10): Did you know that South Carolina goes to the SEX-iest Championship Game if my man Johnny Ca$h and Texas A&M beat Mizzeruh?  You probably did, but hey not everyone is as intelligent and informed as you, my loyal reader.  The Gamecocks have wavered on the edge of realism every week.  This week they find their way back in with an opportunity to do a little climbing by getting its finest win of the year against Clemson.

#15 Central Florida, 10-1 (def. Rutgers 41-17): As a fake conference, the American continues to have Thursday night games….just like the ACC which is incredibly confuse-able with AAC in the SportsCenter app.  Anyway, The Knights gave me a win against the spread, and that’s all I really have to say about their victory this past week.  South Florida, one of the worst BCS conference teams, waits for the season finale for the UCF.  People say things like “Any given Saturday”, but that won’t be this Saturday because South Florida is the college equivalent of the smallest kid in a red rover game.

#14 Mizzeruh, 10-1 (def. Ole Miss 24-10): So I’m 3 for 3 on spread picks thus far which is a nice change of pace from the humdrum sub-.500 weeks I have been having.  Missouri can clinch an SEX-iest Conference Championship Game berth by beating Johnny Ca$h and company.  Weirdly enough, this will be Missouri’s only win against a ranked team…which might not even be true if they win…it’s getting awkward now

#13 Michigan State 10-1 (def. Northwestern 30-6): The directionally challenged Wildcats have lost 7 in a row.  We used to think they simply didn’t know the cardinal directions, but we have learned Northwestern doesn’t know it’s sports record directions either.  On the same hand, Michigan State knows precisely what it needs to do and is set up for a showdown with Ohio State in Indianapolis.  A surprising 8-3 Minnesota team, a benefit of the weak Big Ten, winning would probably hurt Ohio State more than Michigan State, but Baylor losing kind of makes that statement stupid anyway but I’m far too past the moment to go back and delete it.

#12 Texas A&M, 8-3 (lost LSU 10-34): It was kind of a wild week, but to me this was one of the more surprising losses probably right behind the hilarious Oregon debacle for second).  Johnny Ca$h struggled mightily and if Jameis Winston isn’t guilty of being a raper might have doomed his hopes for a second straight Heisman.  The Aggies has a whole won’t be making a BCS appearance for the second straight year despite having the overall talent to do so…it’s tough having to beat all these damn SEC teams each week.

#11 Louisiana State, 8-3 (def. Texas A&M 34-10): I never gave up on you, LSU!  Even when the AP and the ESPN dropped you and made you the girl crying at the steps because your prom date is hitting on the really hot chick named Buhmuh, I was there to drive you home and hand you my handkerchief.  You’re welcome and when they come back and attempt to rank you as highly as I have all year remember they’ll drop you at the first sign of trouble…and remember who has always had your back.

#10 Oregon, 9-2 (lost 16-42): This was absolutely hilarious when I saw it on the bottomline.  I mean would anyone have picked Arizona as a trap game for Oregon?  I mean I might’ve had it been anyone but Oregon.  The Ducks have seemed untouchable for anyone aside from Stanford and then go and flush the Rose Bowl down the toilet.  Ohio State fans nationwide rejoice.  Now they have to go play a much tougher Beaver team in the Civil War??  Hmmmm…

#9 Arizona State, 9-2 (def. UCLA 38-33): So I just realized I don’t have UCLA in here…having already gotten this far I’m just going to leave the list as is, but the Bruins deserve a spot REALISM if they beat USC this week….there Bruin fans.  Arizona State makes a triumphant debut in the real world.  I had them at #18 last week, so they were always hanging around.  Now THEY CONTROL THEIR OWN DESTINY FOR THE PAC-12 CHAMPIONSHIP GAME AND ONLY HAVE TO BEAT ARIZONA…sorry, I went into ESPN mode for a second.  They’re good people over there in Bristol.  Anyway, they do play Arizona, known defeater of Oregon, so I guess we should just say THAT STRARNGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL.

It’s halftime.  I’m going to talk about something near and dear to my heart as an OSU alum: the Mirror Lake Jump.  Recently…like this past Tuesday, the University began a new era of Mirror Lake Jumping by enforcing some regulations for the students thanks to a completely unrelated death in the small campus landmark in August.  A former student was found drowned in the lake, and the only real excuse this blogger can think of is suicide because it is almost impossible to drown in Mirror Lake as it is rarely deeper than about 4 feet.  Using this unfortunate, unrelated accident as an excuse, Ohio State regulated the jump for the first time.  Aside from being nearly impossible to regulate, the Mirror Lake Jump has been a tradition at Ohio State since before the officials who made the regulations were in diapers; however, traditions aren’t as untouchable in an era of lawsuits.  The problem?  Ohio State never had liability for the jump as the University always sends out an email discouraging jumping and saying it is “not a sanctioned university event”.  This year, Ohio State had actual liability for anything which might have happened.  As is the norm, no one was injured in the jump…and Ohio State should be thankful.  The regulation of the jump not only enrages a student body of over 50,000, it is a terrible decision because it makes Ohio State responsible for any accidents.

#8 Stanford, 9-2 (def. California 62-13): I missed on this one, saying Stanford couldn’t be a spread winner.  The Cardinal finish up with Notre Dame in the academic bowl.  I have no qualms saying Stanford will not struggle against the Irish.

#7 Baylor, 10-1 (lost Oklahoma State 17-49): Baylor got out Baylor-ed by Okie State.  Buckeyes nation-wide rejoiced again as the AP was falling in awkward, somewhat rape-y love with Baylor.  The Bears season is by no means wasted; however, it is difficult to see them making an at-large BCS berth with Northern Illinois and/or Fresno State primed to steal at least one of those suckers and Clemson nabbing one as well…oh and don’t forget Buhmuh might be a sleeper at-large as well should Auburn beat them this weekend….sorry, Baylor.

#6 Oklahoma State, 10-1 (def. Baylor 49-17): The obliteration of Baylor by Oklahoma State gets major points with the committee.  Despite my belief that the Big 12 is terrible, there are now two teams in the second half of the RT16.  The Cowboys looked impressive in their victory…this was a location for #AmericasFavoriteDrinkingGame so a blowout was to be expected…I have bad news for Auburn now.

#5 Clemson, 10-1 (def. The Citadel 52-6): My love affair with The Citadel is well versed, so it is extremely difficult for me to write about this.  The decimation of the hero The Citadel by the coward Clemson is something no one likes to romance, so I’ll just let you know Clemson has its biggest game of the year when it hosts Georgia…ummm…hosts Florida State visits South Carolina this weekend.

#4 Auburn, 10-1 (BYE): It was an off week.  #AmericasFavoriteDrinkingGame comes to the Iron Bowl.  You up?

#3 Ohio State, 11-0 (def. Indiana 42-14): It was business as usual for the Bucks against this God awful Big Ten…not as bad as the Big 12 or ACC thanks to OSU, MSU, and WISC.  I hate abbreviation.  Ugh.

#2 Alabuhmuh, 11-0 (def. Chattanooga 49-0): Buhmuh’s defense looked stout against another terrible, just absolutely terrible opponent.  A tougher test waits in Auburn this weekend in the Gameday game.  We’ve basically only seen blowouts in the past this season for #AmericasFavoriteDrinkingLocation.  Will it be true this week?  All I know is we’ll be drinking for such things as “The Iron Bowl”, “Rivalry Week”, and “The Game”.

#1 Florida State, 11-0 (Did Jameis Winston rape things to Idaho): What if he really did rape that girl?

College Gameday Drinking Game: Week 13

To Start:
Take a drink for each person wearing a black suit coat.
My Friend Game: One person is designated “My friend”.  Every time Corso says, “Not so fast, my friend” everyone besides the designated person finishes his drink.  The last person to finish becomes the new “My friend” for not being fast enough.  When Lee says “Not so fast, [ ]” with any ending besides, “Friend”, the Friend must drink until Lee stops talking.
Pollack’s Bitch Game: One person is designated as David Pollack Bitch.  Every time David Pollack insults a team, player, or coach, Pollack’s bitch drinks for five seconds and then passes the roll onto some of his choice.
Analyst Game: Pick an analyst (Kirk, Lee, or Desmond).  Each time your analyst is shown alone on camera or previews a game take a drink….if you’re analyst goes off screen, the person who takes his place at the table is now your analyst (for better or for worse).
Signs and Flags
Take a drink for each Washington state flag in the background
Take a drink for each sign referencing Jameis Winston
Take a drink for each sign referencing Robert Griffin III

Take a drink for each sign playing off of ESPN
Take a drink for each sign relating to Mike Gundy
Take a drink for each sign referencing Lee Corso
The Samantha Ponder Game:
Take a drink each time Samantha Ponder is shown.
If when she’s shown, you think Samantha Ponder is a Smokeshow continue drinking until she is off screen.
During the show:
If at any point during the show, an analyst picks your alma mater or favorite team to win, finish your beer.  (If picked during Saturday Selection, you only need to finish only a single beer)
Make sure to continue following the “My Friend”, “Pollack’s Bitch”, and “Analyst” games
Take a drink every time Braxton Miller, Jadeveon Clowney, or Tajh Boyd are shown
Take a drink whenever your alma mater is mentioned
Take a drink each time Ed Orgeron is mentioned
Drink for the amount of seconds you think are equal to the length of Paul Finebaum’s ears (in inches) when he is shown the first time.
Take a drink every time a stadium is shown.
Take a drink each time the Oklahoma State scandal is mentioned.
Take a drink whenever Jameis Winston or his charges are mentioned
Take a drink whenever Ohio State’s schedule is mentioned.
Take a drink every time Kirk says “Win Big”
Take a drink every time Lee Corso says “Closer than the experts think.” or “By a field goal”
Take a drink each time Lee Corso stumbles over his words.
Take a drink whenever the Baylor is compared to Ohio State
Finish a beer if the guest picker is a former Oklahoma State athlete.
Take a drink every time The Bear is shown.
Perform the Saturday Selections.  Each time you agree with your analyst, take a drink.  Each time you disagree, take 3 drinks.  If you fail to make a pick, take 5 drinks.  (Desmond’s partners will be paired with the guest picker.)
Finish your beer if the “I’m a Man, I’m 40” clip is shown.
During the Baylor-Oklahoma State pick, if Lee Corso dresses as a Cowboy finish 2 Beers.  If Lee does something Baylor related, finish your current beer.

Picks Against the Spread: Week 13

RT16

Game Spread Pick Info
#16 Michigan State @ Northwestern MSU -7 Sparta! Michigan State is 6-3-1 against the spread this season and that tie resulted in the team’s only loss this season.  Michigan State has never lost a spread when favored by less than 10 points.  Northwestern has been falling harder than Jake Lloyd’s film career.  MSU has shown it can score a little bit as of late and I think they’ll only need 21 or so to beat this spread.
#15 Central Florida vs Rutgers UCF -17.5 UCF Despite my UCF pick losing to Temple against the spread last week, I also watched Rutgers get absolutely pounded by a very average Cincinnati team.  It really took me back to Cincinnati getting Scheelhaased in week 2.  UCF is still 6-3 against the spread, although all three losses have come as double figure favorites (Memphis, Houston, Temple)
#14 LSU vs #8 Texas A&M LSU -4.5 Texas A&M I’ll definitely throw away the four and half on this one.  LSU allowed Buhmuh to hang a 38 spot on the scoreboard, so there is no reason to expect Johnny Ca$h to put up less…the biggest x-factor is how many points can America’s third favorite fast food restaurant chain put up for his own team against the lackluster A&M defense…my brain thingy tells me not enough.
#13 Oklahoma State vs #5 Baylor Baylor -10.0 Okie State I’m not even sure who to pick in this one…this is a really tough spread for this game, so Vegas did its M.F. job.  It should be really high scoring which will always favor Baylor, but this is the first test for the Bears on the road.  Something smells a little fishy, but I think Baylor pulls out the win….Okie State gets the check.
#12 Mizzeruh @ Ole Miss Mizzou -2.5 Mizzou It obviously doesn’t, but to me a spread of -2.5 or less is asking “Do you think this team will win the game?”  I know teams can win by 1 or 2, but I just feel it doesn’t happen very often.  I can probably get the Elias Sports Bureau to help me out, but if Pollack won’t respond to me, why should they?  I think Mizzeruh will win, so the Tigers get the check.
#11 Stanford vs California Stan -31.5 Cal I’m throwing the points simply because that number is huge for the trees results so far this season.  If this was Oregon or UCLA or even Washington I’d probably take the points, but for Stanford to beat Cal by 32 or more seems a little much at this point.  California may be 2-5-2 against the spread, but all the wins/ties have come as huge underdogs.
#10 Wisconsin @ Minnesota Wisc -16.0 Minnesota I guess I haven’t fully learned my lesson for the Badgers.  They annihilated Indiana as I expect last week, but something smells a little bit like the hospital waiting room…that’s terrible.  I won’t say the Badgers will Jerry Kill the Gophers, but I do believe Wisconsin gets the win…Minnesota gets the check.
#9 UCLA vs Arizona State ASU -2.5 UCLA I didn’t put the Bruins at #9 this year with the expectation that they would lose this home game to Arizona State. The Bruins and Arizona State have that same unrivaled motivation of being the lucky Pac-12 South team to lose to Oregon in the Miss Congeniality of Conference Championship Games.  UCLA gets the win and therefore the check.
#7 Clemson vs The Citadel Clem -40 Clemson After watching Clemson light up the scoreboard against Ga-Tech, it is difficult not to see them putting up at least 56 on THE BEST TEAM EVER THE CITADEL IS SO AWESOME AND I WANT TO PICK THEM SO BAD BUT I JUST FEEL THAT 40 IS NOT ENOUGH POINTS FOR ME TO DO SO BUT I STILL LOVE YOU CITADEL!
#4 Oregon @ Arizona Oreg -20.5 Oregon I don’t really feel confident ever picking against Oregon and a sub-21 spread makes me almost feel a little nauseous…although Rich Rodriguez is the embodiment of everything evil in this world so we can’t be sure he won’t use his black witchcraft magical nonsense to beat this measly spread…where am I?
#3 Ohio State vs Indiana Bucks -34.0 Indiana Having been in Columbus I’ve heard it all week from both the television (my only real friend outside my laptop) and word of mouth: “[insert phony ESPN analyst here] is saying Ohio State is slipping and is going to lose to Indiana this week”.  Well, as the Bucks proved, this team isn’t Penn State.  I take Indiana against the spread only because I don’t think the Bucks will win by thirty-four…the cruise to a 28 point victory and ESPN calls it “surviving”.
#2 Buhmuh vs Chattanooga Buhmuh -49 Chattanooga Buhmuh takes it easy and A.J.T.J. and company are pulled at halftime.  The Tide win 42-0.
#1 Florida State vs somebody FSU -N FSU I still do not care who Florida State is playing.

Other Games of Interest:

Coastal Car. @ South Carolina S. Car. -34.5 Coastal South Carolina is going to win the game and we all know it, but Coastal Carolina is one of the finest 1-AA teams and as we’ve seen some of these teams are better than the middle of the pack 1-A teams.  Plus, the mascot for Coastal Carolina is everyone’s favorite rooster from the Canterbury Tales.
BYU @ Notre Dame EVEN BYU What if I told you that all of Notre Dame’s losses have come at home?  I’d be lying, but I know they got stomped by a mediocre Oklahoma team in South Bend and lost to an atrocious Pitt team a few weeks back somewhere.  I think that was in Pittsburgh…I really don’t remember.  I just like the opportunity to get a straight up pick on this game.

 

 

The Real Top 16

Well, here we are, boys and girls.  Suddenly Baylor seems poised to jump OSU in the phony BCS standings and Florida State and Buhmuh are on a collision course for Pasadena.  All rise!

#16 Michigan State, 9-1 (def. Nebraska 41-28): Welcome to realness, Michigan State!  As embarrassing as a loss to Tommy Rees is in this era of college football, Michigan State has only that blemish on its resume.  It would seem to be a longtime coming the MSU was REAL, but the back-to-back wins over Meeeshigan and Corn-city were the first impressive victories on the year.  The year is far from over for Jonny Gomes and company, as they travel to play suddenly the worst team in the Big 10 Northwestern and then welcome Minnesota to Sparta.

#15 Central Florida, 8-1 (def. Temple 39-36): Let’s all just take a deep breath and watch that catch by J.J. Worten over and over and over again.

#14 Louisiana State, 7-3 (BYE): LSU gets jumped by a few teams this week after chilling in the cool, not tornado-ridden air of Baton Rouge.  The Tigers welcome Johnny Ca$h to town this weekend in a make or break game for the kid’s back-to-back Heisman chances…will LSU be a 4 loss REAL team?  Only time can tell.

#13 Oklahoma State, 9-1 (def. Texas 38-13): Fudge…remember my pick to win the Big 12?  Well it wasn’t Oklahoma State.  The Cowboys become another resume buttress for the godforsaken Baylor Bears after beating Texas this week.  I’m trying to keep myself aware that the Big 12 is so top heavy and those teams aren’t good enough to warrant a sniff of the National Title game…it’s an ordeal, but hopefully someone can prove me right come January.

#12 Missouri, 9-1 (BYE): Mizzeruh also took the week off, but jumped LSU for obvious reasons, Texas for losing, and Central Florida for looking like shit against a one win Temple team.  Now things get REAL for Missouri as the “control your own destiny” thing is really only a good label if Vanderbilt, Kentucky, or Tennessee were left on the schedule.  Playing at Ole Miss and home against Johnny Ca$h seems like a pretty terrible “control your own destiny” situation for a team hoping to be the East’s sacrificial lamb to Bama in the SEX-IEST Championship Game in December.

#11 Stanford, 8-2 (lost USC 17-20): I was a little embarrassed for Stanford watching this game.  Ben Hogan is looking far less the game manager he did for all those starts he won last year and early this year.  Suddenly he’s trying to be a playmaking Quarterback and that isn’t the formula which has been successful for Stanford or Hogan since he took over at the helm.  The Cardinal are bolstered by the Oregon win from last week and the early season dominance of Arizona State, but may start slipping and sliding should the teams behind them pick up a few good wins.  #Utah #NeverForget

#10 Wisconsin, 8-2 (def. Indiana 51-3): The Badgers being #19 in the AP is an honest to God sham job.  Wisconsin has looked as impressive as anyone since losing to Ohio State in October and should be 9-1 if the umpire hadn’t cost them the win AT Arizona State way back in the day.  Now the Badgers can finish out the season by throttling overachieving Minnesota team and floundering Penn State en route to a 10 win season and become a BCS hopeful…no fears on missing out on a REAL BCS game, Bucky.

#9 UCLA, 8-2 (def. Washington 41-31): A win over Washington is a win over Washington…even at 6-4 the Husky’s are a good team and my favorites.  UCLA gets to do a little climbing with the victory and now has its sights set on a rematch with Stanford Oregon in the Pac-12 Championship.  Don’t get too far ahead of yourself, UCLA!  Your best competition (Arizona “We control our own destiny because ESPN mandates this phrase must be used every time a team controls its own destiny” State and USC) in the next two weeks.  When was the last time the UCLA-USC rivalry had the possibility of being this meaningful?  I think when UCLA was 5-6 back in 2011.

It’s halftime.  I’d like to take this opportunity to talk about the anniversary of one of the greatest moments in sports history.  It comes from College Gameday, back before it was #AmericasFavoriteDrinkingGame.  The day was November 19th, the location was Houston, Texas, the guest picker was the great Carl Lewis, and the phrase of the day across America was “Ah, Fuck it”.  Only divine intervention can be thanked for such a glorious moment as Lee Corso tossed aside the Southern Methodist microphone in favor of the Houston Cougar mascot head.  The resulting reactions only crescendo moving from left to right.  Carl Lewis applauds the clear breach of FCC regulation, Chris Fowler puts his head down in shame, and Kirk Herbstreit just about loses control of his bodily functions.  This moment seemed to be the reward for the countless hours of loyalty we have put in watching Gameday and will forever live on as perhaps television’s greatest moment.

#8 Texas A&M, 8-2 (BYE): Johnny is preparing for his finale (I mean he is going pro…right?) and boy does he have one.  Texas A&M has an opportunity to pick up the best final two wins of seasons of any team in the nation.  The Aggies have Louisiana State and Mizzeruh left on the menu and that leaves two more opportunities for Ca$h to prove he’s the rightful owner of a second straight Heisman and Texas A&M to prove it is worthy of a REAL BCS bowl game.  Engage.

#7 Clemson, 9-1 (def. Georgia Tech 55-31): Absolutely no Clemson ridiculous loss this season?  It would appear the Tigers are just about out of the woods on that front.  A loss to the Citadel would certainly qualify and even though Citadel IS THE BEST TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL AND WILL FOREVER KICK FURMAN’S PHANNIES DAY IN AND DAY OUT, Clemson should be fine.  South Carolina would not really be a trademark Clemson terrible loss, it might knock Dabo and Company from the rank of the REAL BCS tier.

#6 Auburn, 10-1 (def. Georgia 43-38): Just go ahead and watch the end of this game one more time and continue to wonder how Georgia could have in anyway managed to not only give up the fourth and 18, but it ended up in a touchdown.  Auburn seems to just have this weird inability to be knocked from the current juggernaut status……oh and if you haven’t noticed, Auburn’s has only one game………………………………………and it’s against Buhmuh.

#5 Baylor, 10-0 (def. Texas Tech 63-34): Baylor is getting a lot of hype from around the nation for this win…after all they beat a barely above average Texas Tech team by twenty-nine points.  You’re probably wondering, “Are you anti-Baylor?”  And to that I say absolutely not my dear readers.  Baylor has something special going this year.  I’m actually just “Anti-Big 12” and have been my entire life.  The Big 12 is a conference with four or five decent teams and then six horrendous teams which help to give teams like Baylor, Texas Tech, Oklahoma State, et al have tantalizing points against totals.  Baylor has an incredible offense and it will likely lead them to a Big 12 championship, but I think it would behoove everyone to take a step back.

#4 Oregon 9-1 (def. Utah 44-21): Another Oregon loss to the spread?  I’m embarrassed.  The Ducks are back on track to the Pac-12 Championship Game after all they CONTROL THEIR OWN GODDAMN DESTINY!  Go Oregon…woo…

#3 Ohio State, 10-0 (def. Illinois 60-35): Ohio State looked pretty miserable at points against Illinois, but the world seemed to forget they still won the game by four scores.  It takes a little more than luck to go on the road and beat a team giving you its best shot and Ohio State did that with a little flair and a little bit of feeding the horse.  The Buckeyes were not as impressive this week as week’s past and not as impressive as some other teams, but the AP dropping the Bucks to #4 behind Baylor is a little silly since OSU started at #2 in the AP.  Baylor and Ohio State have opportunities to prove who deserves to be #3….but how much does that matter?

#2 Alabuhmuh, 10-0 (def. Mississippi 20-7): The Iron Bowl is coming.

#1 Florida State, 10-0 (def. Syracuse 59-3): Syracuse was supposed to be the “best defense Florida State has played all year”…that didn’t go well.

Calipari Criticizes own System

A lot can be said of what John Calipari has and will continue to accomplish as the head boss in the University of Kentucky’s basketball program.  He’s become a recruiting dictator, seemingly grabbing whatever he recruits he deems worthy, and the unparalleled talent the Wildcats rush into Lexington every year becomes more and more apparent as each season trudges onward.  Well, Winter is Coming, and the Wildcats, unsurprisingly, have the most talented laden team in college basketball.  Julius Randle is going to manhandle anyone daring enough to challenge him for post superiority, James Young might become the most hated sharpshooter in the country before season’s end, and the Harrison twins are 6’6″.  When the shortest player you usher onto a basketball court is 6’6″ you’re either the Philadelphia 76ers or the Kentucky Wildcats; however, for all his talent and ability Calipari chose to unleash a little verbal tirade recently which sent this writer into a tizzy and the rest of the nation into absolute apathy.

I’ll post the comment as a picture, because I have the ability.

The irony behind Coach Cal’s complaint is honestly hilarious since he’s the cause.  I understand his is probably just Calipari giving the media a little tidbit, hell maybe the guy was even trying to cover his future tracks in case the Wildcats lost to the Spartans…which they definitely did!  His point resonates, a team like Michigan State with talent and experience is likely to jump out to an early lead and do little things in a game which his inexperienced yet far superior talented freshman might not.  He’s not wrong with the content of his quote, it is irrational to expect a Kentucky team with four freshman starters to be tantamount to a highly experienced Michigan State team on November 12th (just a couple of games into the new season).  The content is fine, but Calipari has absolutely no right to be criticizing his team’s situation because he created it.  Everything boils down to Calipari and his system, his way of trying to win.  Remember?

He tore down the walls of college basketball, showed that his system works: you don’t have to have anything but talent to win the championship!  He proved you can simply through the most talented team out there night after night after night after night after night…..I go caught in a never ending loop….and stomp all competition into fine powder without any experienced players leading the way.  This is the best recruiting class in history, right?  Even more to the point, he actually returned two starters from last year.  Experience?  Calipari is rife with it compared to his UK teams of recent past.  Now, after his success…his championship, he has the gumption to turn around and mutter, “This isn’t fair” like a schoolkid whose recess was taken away because mocking the teacher finally caught up to him.  Our little simile created his persona, the class clown, running with it throughout his school days.  The crowd loved him and he was a winner, but eventually he was caught and punished…unfair?  Like our simile, Coach Cal has created his own system, his persona if you will.  Cal recruits the most talented and most NBA-ready players to Lexington, sends them out on the court for a year, and watches them evacuate to the NBA come summer.  So, while it isn’t fair to expect his teams to make the quantum leap to Michigan State level chemistry and ability in a few months of playing together, who is to blame?

Blame the schedule makers?  Blame Tom Izzo?  Erroneous!  John Calipari needs to shoulder the blame…why?  Because he chooses to recruit the same ilk of player.  Would you argue Calipari has the ability to recruit say an Adreian Payne type player to Lexington?  Payne lacked the skills to enter the draft for the bulk of his career, but has matured and grown under Tom Izzo to become one of the finest college basketball players in the country.  Will Payne be as good as others at the next level?  Absolutely not.  There are perhaps a dozen big men alone who are going to be drafted ahead of and have better NBA careers than Adreian Payne; however, you’d, loyal reader, be dead wrong to take more than a handful of players in the country over Payne at the college level.  This types of players are available…in fact, they are in abundance around the nation!  Not every team is full of freshman, right?  John Calipari can recruit whomever he wants to come to Kentucky, he’s proven it by bringing in some of the greatest recruiting classes in the history of college basketball.  So, who is to blame for Kentucky having their doors blown off for the first half against Michigan State?.  It would seem appropriate to blame the kid watching as the other toddlers play on recess.

College Gameday Drinking Game: Week 12

To Start:
Take a drink for each person wearing a black suit coat.
My Friend Game: One person is designated “My friend”.  Every time Corso says, “Not so fast, my friend” everyone besides the designated person finishes his drink.  The last person to finish becomes the new “My friend” for not being fast enough.  When Lee says “Not so fast, [ ]” with any ending besides, “Friend”, the Friend must drink until Lee stops talking.
Pollack’s Bitch Game: One person is designated as David Pollack Bitch.  Every time David Pollack insults a team, player, or coach, Pollack’s bitch drinks for five seconds and then passes the roll onto some of his choice.
Analyst Game: Pick an analyst (Kirk, Lee, or Desmond).  Each time your analyst is shown alone on camera or previews a game take a drink….if you’re analyst goes off screen, the person who takes his place at the table is now your analyst (for better or for worse).
Signs and Flags
Take a drink for each Washington state flag in the background
Take a drink for each sign referencing Stanford’s academic proficiency
Take a drink for each sign referencing Oregon

Take a drink for each sign playing off of ESPN
Take a drink for each sign relating to Jim Harbaugh
Take a drink for each sign referencing Lane Kiffin
The Samantha Ponder Game:
Take a drink each time Samantha Ponder is shown.
If when she’s shown, you think Samantha Ponder is a Smokeshow continue drinking until she is off screen.
During the show:
If at any point during the show, an analyst picks your alma mater or favorite team to win, finish your beer.  (If picked during Saturday Selection, you only need to finish only a single beer)
Make sure to continue following the “My Friend”, “Pollack’s Bitch”, and “Analyst” games
Take a drink every time Braxton Miller, Melvin Gordon, or Christain Hackenberg are shown.
Take a drink whenever your alma mater is mentioned
Take a drink each time Lane Kiffin is mentioned or USC’s current interim head coach is mentioned
Drink for the amount of seconds you think are equal to the length of Paul Finebaum’s ears (in inches) when he is shown the first time.
Take a drink every time a stadium is shown.
Take a drink for each possible candidate for the USC vacancy mentioned.
Take a drink whenever Jameis Winston or his charges are mentioned
Take a drink whenever Ohio State’s schedule is mentioned.
Take a drink every time Kirk says “Win Big”
Take a drink every time Lee Corso says “Closer than the experts think.” or “By a field goal”
Take a drink each time Lee Corso stumbles over his words.
Take a drink whenever the Oregon-Stanford game is mentioned
If Aaron Boone or Judd Apatow is the guest picker, finish 1 new beer…If John Wayne is the guest picker finish 3 Beers.
Take a drink every time The Bear is shown.
Perform the Saturday Selections.  Each time you agree with your analyst, take a drink.  Each time you disagree, take 3 drinks.  If you fail to make a pick, take 5 drinks.  (Desmond’s partners will be paired with the guest picker.)
Take a drink anytime mentions how disappointing USC’s season was last year
During the Stanford-USC pick, if Lee Corso dresses as a tree finish your two beers.  If he downs the Trojan armor finish 2 beers.  If Corso stabs the Trojan sword into turf, finish another beer.

Picks Against the Spread: Week 12

RT16

Game Spread Pick Info
#16 South Carolina vs Florida S. Car -13.5 Florida Florida is only 4-5 against the spread…so why my confidence in the Gators?  Well, Muschamp is going to be going crazy as Robin Williams in his terrible new sitcome because if the Gators don’t end up bowl eligible his time in Gainesville is just about over.  Florida gets the check, but South Carolina will win in what will be a close, low-scoring contest.
#14 Texas vs Oklahoma State Okie St. -3 Texas It’s honestly picking with my heart or my head…fortunately they are both saying Texas.  The Longhorns shut down Oklahoma earlier this year and I expect the Longhorns defense to put up a more herculean effort and hold the Cowboys to roughly 28 or 31 points while the offense manages >34.
#13 Central Florida @ Temple UCF -16.5 UCF No reason to expect UCF to lose to this spread.  Temple is 1-8 on the year…against the spread, you might ask: how’s 6-3 and 6-1 against BCS conference teams+Notre Dame?  Still, UCF is even better against the spread (6-2) although both losses have come as the favorite.
#12 UCLA vs Washington UCLA -2.5 UCLA TALK ABOUT HEAD VS HEART!!!  My beloved Huskies find themselves in the Picks Against the Spread, but at what cost?!?  UCLA is quickly becoming one of my new darlings, without the whole moving up the rankings part, and have far more to play for than the Huskies.  I really want to pick Washington…am I allowed to pick UCLA against the spread while still putting them on upset alert? >:|
#11 Wisconsin vs Indiana Wisc -21.0 Wisconsin So I picked against the Wisconsin’s spread last week, accepting the points…I like to think I learn from my mistakes.  Wisconsin’s margain of victory against teams not named Ohio State in the Big Ten is actually exactly 25.75 and the Badgers are 4-0 against the spread in those games.  No reason to expect anything different against hapless Indiana.
#8 Auburn vs Georgia Auburn -4.0 Auburn I don’t necessarly think Auburn is going to win this game, in fact, I’d be less than surprised if Georgia pulled off the pseudo-upset.  The Dawgs are getting back to normal and when they were normal were a Top 5 RT16 team.  Against the spread, Georgia has lost the last four against the spread and Auburn has been a solid pick.  Throw away those goddamn points.
#7 Clemson vs Georgia Tech Clem -10.5 Ga-Tech I’m nervous for Clemson.  Remember the whole Clemson-ing thing everyone has been saying this whole year?  Welcome to perhaps the final chance for a true “Clemson” by Clemson.  Sub-par talent hasn’t challneged Clemson too much, but here we go.  Ga-Tech is only 4-5 agaisnt the spread, but something has me thinking Rambling Wreck this week.
#6 Baylor vs Texas Tech Bay -27.0 Baylor Baylor is 7-1 against the spread.  Still the only loss is to Kansas State.  This was looking like a showdown, but Texas Tech has lost three straight.  Tech is 5-5 versus the spread, but has zero wins on the last three.  Advtange, Baylor.
#5 Oregon vs Utah UO -25 Oregon I think the oddsmakers forgot who Oregon is because they lost to Stanford.  The Ducks are going to handle Utah and if it stays a 25 point game in Eugene it is simply because the Ducks have stopped trying after the first quarter.
#4 Stanford @ USC Stan -3.5 Stanford I’d be more than a little surprised if USC kept this game within a touchdown.  Stanford is only 5-4 against the spread, and USC has won 4 straight in conference against the spread…but the Trojans just aren’t very good and the location of “America’s Favorite Drinking Game” since LSU-Georgia has resulted in a blowout.
#3 Ohio State @ Illinois Bucks -32.0 Ohio State I don’t have any reason to think Ohio State is going to give up its current trend of stomping all over the Big Ten riffraff.  The beginning of the schedule was far heavier than Penn State and Purdue.  Illinois might have Scheelhaased Cincinnati, but we’re not anticipating a similar effort from Big Brother.
#2 Buhmuh @ Mississippi State Buhmuh -25.0 Buhmuh Buhmuh has been crushing the spread.  There is no reason to think Mississippi State can hang with the Tide who are absolutely cruising…I continue to disappoint your anticipation of the word roll…muhahaha
#1 Florida State vs Syracuse FSU -39.0 FSU I no longer care who Florida State is playing.  I’m picking them against the spread without hesitation.  The new Oregon.

 

The Real Top 16

The SEC is definitely back in business in the RT16.  The return of two more teams gives America’s most vaunted conference 5 teams.  Michigan State, Oklahoma State, and Oklahoma are left just on the outside looking in after the Sooners failed to prove its gumption against Baylor and the Cowboys/Spartans continued cruising over the riffraff.  It’s a big weekend for both Sparty and Okie State with tough road games against Nebraska and #13 Texas respectively.

#16 South Carolina, 7-2 (BYE): South Carolina beating Florida won’t be very impressive to the committee, after all, the Gators are not bowl eligible after Week 11 for the first time since 2011 or two years ago.  Florida’s phony BCS berth from a year ago and opportunity seems pretty far off being Urban mired in a 4 game slump.  Anyway, back to the Gamecocks.  South Carolina leans heavily on past wins and can thank Miami Florida and Va-Tech’s current inabilities to win for the place back in the RT16.  Wins over RT16 members UCF and Missouri on the road certainly help as well.

#15 Missouri, 9-1 (def. Kentucky 48-17): Is Missouri underrated by the brain trust here?  Suddenly, wins over Florida and Georgia aren’t as impressive as at first glance.  Georgia squeaked by Florida and both have been routinely dispatched by America’s darlings Vanderbilt (Anchor down?) since Mizzou’s victories.  Johnny Ca$h and the suddenly RT16 resurgent Aggies wait at the end of the year…and Missouri needs to win that game and find a way against Buhmuh in the SEX-iest conference title game in order to have any hopes of a REAL BCS title berth.

#14 Texas, 7-2 (def. West Virginia 47-40 OT): No one said it was going to be pretty watching Texas romp to the Big 12 title game.  Having to battle through a pretty terrible West Virginia team is nothing for Mack Brown to hang his hat on; however, they continue en route to the Big 12 title I predicted so eloquently in August.  Here come the rest of the Big 12…umm….heavyweights?

#13 Central Florida, 7-1 (def. Houston 19-14): A lot of talk during our favorite drinking event this Saturday morning about Central Florida being underrated?  Well, right now that “underrated” nature is what is keeping Fresno State in the “Automatic” bid range in the BCS picture right now.  As the most hardcore of BCS defenders, I have to admit there are some completely ridiculous and overall embarrassing rules such as the one which resulted in the Miami Massacre which was actually pretty close last season.  Well, anyway, Central Florida was catapulted up the AP, Coaches, and Harris polls this past week, but a puzzlingly low computer rating has things looking sketchy.

#12 UCLA, 7-2 (def. Arizona 31-26): I continue my defense of the Bruins.  I want to move the Bruins higher, but cannot bring myself to drop the other teams down.  Beating Arizona is no small task, I swear to all of you loyal readers.  The Wildcats 3 losses this year are to my beloved Washington Huskies, the team formerly known as USC, and then of course the Bruins this past week.  UCLA has ample opportunities to continue building the resume in the next weeks.  First, UCLA welcomes my beloved Huskies and the sometimes bad but usually good Arizona State Sun Devils to Los Angeles.  Finally, what is annually the most amazingly apathetic rivalry game in college football occurs when USC “welcomes” UCLA.

#11 Wisconsin, 7-2 (def. BYU 27-17): Don’t hate on the BYU victory, after all, this was only the Cougars third loss this year.  I don’t want to look like I’m hopping on the Wisconsin bandwagon, but the truth is I’ve been on it since they lost to Ohio State so long ago.  The Badgers should continue to make itself look even better by slaughtering the other Big Ten weaklings remaining on the schedule (also known as Indiana, Minnesota, and Penn State).

#10 Louisiana State, 7-3 (lost Buhmuh 17-38): I can’t punish LSU too much because the only reason they were supposed to beat Buhmuh is because I’m an Ohio State fan, so they only fall a couple of spots.  My generosity is at an alltime high, but Georgia is finally proving itself to be Georgia, making LSU’s loss seem less terrible and Ole Miss hasn’t loss since they managed to upset LSU a few weeks back.  LSU’s defense might be wishing for yet another new pair of underwear after playing my main man Ca$h Mon€y in a couple of weeks after this week’s much needed bye.

#9 Texas A&M, 8-2 (def. Mississippi State 51-41): My boy Johnny Ca$h has two losses this year…to numbers nine and two in our beloved RT16.  I can’t believe I ever doubted my boy Johnny and company, but in the end Texas A&M has been the beneficiary of Auburn’s success in the RT16.  They are streaking up the charts and shall continue to do so if both they and Auburn continue winning….oh and with LSU and Missouri left on the docket, Johnny Ca$h can help the Aggies jump a little bit with those two RT16 Teams.

Welcome to half time.  What I want to talk about is the whole ordeal with Jonathon what is his face and that mystery man for the Miami Dolphins…wait, I don’t want to ever have to hear/talk about that nonsense ever again.  See Ya!

#8 Auburn, 9-1 (def. Tennessee 55-23): Auburn is absolutely rolling right now and did exactly what South Carolina couldn’t and beat Tennessee in Neyland.  Ignore my 0-3 record in upset alerts this week and focus on how I have begun to more accurately predict the RT16!  Auburn has two extremely difficult home games to finish out the regular season with suddenly revitalized Georgia and then the suddenly offensively proficient Buhmuh.  We’ll see what happens, but it’s go time.

#7 Clemson, 8-1 (BYE), With any hopes of an ACC title game evaporating and any hopes of a BCS National Title Game completely eradicated, Clemson now must focus on a BCS Bowl berth…or a REAL BCS Bowl berth because that’s what everyone is really fighting for at this point.  You’re probably wondering what is on the horizon for this little old Southern team?  Homes games against Georgia Tech and MY FAVORITE TEAM IN HISTORY The Citadel before they playing current #16 South Carolina in Columbia in one of the game’s most forgotten rivalries.

#6 Baylor, 8-0 (def. Oklahoma 41-12): I thought Baylor was going down this week, but ever since Curtis Jerrells spawned my “Sic’em” attitude back in the late 2000’s (literally 2005-2009), I’ve been rooting for the Bears…this year has turned into an exception with these Bears competing with my Buckeyes for a possible National Championship game should Buhmuh or Florida State slip and slide away with all respect to Paul Simon.  Baylor doesn’t have a great shot at a REAL National Title, but we’re not pretending it’s impossible.

#5 Oregon, 8-1 (lost Stanford 20-26): It is pretty much a fact, Oregon will never beat Stanford in a meaningful game every again.  The Ducks have an Achilles heel and it would appear it took some of the nation’s biggest nerds to find it an then repeatedly take advantage of it like Oregon is that kid at shortstop who can’t field a ground ball to save his soul.  The only question left for the Ducks is that is going 11-1 acceptable every year while losing to a team which offered Utah its only victory in October?

#4 Stanford, 8-1 (def. Oregon 26-20): What does Stanford need to jump Ohio State?  Well, besides an implausible, but certainly not impossible, Buckeye loss, a few poor Buckeye poor performances OR a Wisconsin loss will help to knock the Bucks down.  Stanford might get a little more help from the schedule if they play a two loss UCLA team in the Pac-12 Championship.

#3 Ohio State, 9-0 (BYE): As I hold strong to my belief that Ohio State could beat Utah on the road, I move the Bucks to third this week and began to look a little more like the computers as each week goes past.  Ohio State might not have been able to take Oregon, but don’t ask Evan Spencer who is being absolutely trashed for his confidence in his team after saying the Buckeyes could “wipe the floor” with Buhmuh or FSU.  While we clearly don’t agree on the exact content, I love Spencer’s confidence.  The Bucks may never receive the chance to prove it, but a REAL Rose Bowl appearance needs to be the focus at this point.

#2 Alabuhmuh, 9-0 (def. LSU 38-17): I think we’re all just waiting for the Iron Bowl at this point.  Are we sleeping on Mississippi State and FCS Southeast?  Yes, yes we are.

#1 Florida State, 9-0 (mauled Wake Forest): Is there anyway Florida State loses this year?  I’m teetering on the edge of a “No” vote, but stranger things have happened to Stanford this year.

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