-Izzy Alcantara’s mound charge…
What we have here, ladies and gentlemen, is a classic example of an extreme reaction. The batter is former Red Sox great Izzy Alcantara. He was a key contributor to the Montreal Expos’s minor league system in which he blasted at least 27 home runs for four years. He never played in the majors for the Expos, but found his way to Boston. In 2002 he played most of his games for the Red Sox’s Triple-A affiliate the Pawtucket Red Sox. During this season is when Izzy went Chuck Norris on innocent Jeremy Salazar. Izzy had already seen one ball come a little too close for comfort and wasn’t about to take any shit from some Triple-A pitcher. Unaware of the steam brewing in Izzy’s belly, Blas Cedeño pitched a second screamer near Izzy’s torso…ah, now there’s trouble in River City. Having premeditated his entire course of action from pitch 1 to pitch 2. Immediately following the inside pitch, Izzy turns and gives Salazar some Sweet Chin Music.
Seeing how Izzy just guillotined his catcher, Blas realizes that this is not the time to call bullshit on Izzy’s actions and decides to go with a projectile attack as Izzy charges at him. We all can agree that Blas must have been using a lead glove or else he wouldn’t have bothered throwing it since baseball gloves couldn’t even injure the guy with glass bones and paper skin.
Left unarmed, Blas is easily about to become Izzy’s personal rag doll…except Izzy whiffs with his Falcon Punch at Blas’s face. Following the failed flail, Izzy realizes he’s ran into a bad situation as four more players from the opposing team are all within 70 feet of the pitcher’s mound. He does a quick 180 to survey the entire infield and has the revelation, “I’m totally fucked”. Blas, on the other hand, goes into to tough guy latino fighter crouch and shuffle before slowly meandering away from the action as both benches clear. From there on the players dog pile on top of Izzy because apparently that’s how groups of people fight. They just lay on top of one another.
-Mississippi Braves manager Phil Wellman literally loses his mind...
There comes a time when baseball managers need to blow off a little steam at the umpires. Through calls like Jim Joyce denying Armando Galarraga a perfect game and Tim Welke’s questionable call this year we have learned umpires are more than human and sometimes stupid.
It tickles the brain to consider what set Double-A manager Phil Wellman so far off the deep end as the video portrays, but the God of the interweb Wikipedia told me it was because his pitcher was ejected for using a “banned substance”. Due to this decision, Wellman decides it’s time to blow off some steam. He charges like an angry rhino from the dugout and commences the insanity with a gorgeously placed hat throw right at the ump’s feet. He then yells for a while and tells the umpire about the $5 footlong deal at Subway. Wellman thinks he has unshackled the umpire and allowed him to peek out of the cave for the first time.
Unfortunately the ump is a Quiznos guy and this appears to send Wellman into an absolutely unparalleled rage. He covers the plate with dirt. Usually this symbolizes the manager’s frustration with the umpire’s strike zone, but Wikipedia doesn’t lie. That makes this action by Wellman one of the craziest as it was completely uncalled for and honestly was a mockery to the frustration faced by many a manager. Obviously, this meltdown has but begun as marches over to his next victim at third base. He yells a bit longer and we see Chattanooga’s third base coach make an appearance. He is pacing, holding his hands behind his back, and staring at Wellman in the international sign for “please hurry up, whackjob”. Wellman then appears ready to steal third base because that’s what people do when they’re angry; however, he decides after 24 paces the base has become far too cumbersome a load and he tosses it gently to the edge of the infield. He proceeds to do exactly what no other member of the human race would have consider at this point. He marches toward the mound, but halfway he begins to increase his sneak rating instead of charging headlong into battle.
He stealthily approaches the lifeless rosin bag. He gives it a quick sniff just to make sure it isn’t a real grenade, pops the pin with his mouth, and then hurls it with uncanny accuracy at the home plate umpire. Far too impressed by how accurate the throw was, the ump is left speechless. He shouts some profanity and other, less offensive things. Deciding his little tantrum is not humorous enough, Wellman goes back to the classics and “ejects” the umpires from the game with an emphatic arm raise. He begins his long march off the field, but seeing second base reminds him of his previous objective of kidnapping third. He decides to really get crazy with this one and begins to walk off with both bases. He walks by one of his players standing the field who is just smiling and laughing at his poor lunatic manager. We’ll never know what the poor bases did to deserve the bulk of Wellman’s physical abuse. He strolls far too slowly off the field. Before exiting, in the ultimate sign of Wellman’s showmanship, he blows kisses to his adoring fans in the stadium. Little did Wellman know, he would soon become a worldwide phenom and nutcase…the ultimate symbol of sports breakdowns.