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The Real Top 16

I have a lot on my plate today, so I guess I’ll dive right in…don’t expect too much.

#16 Central Florida, 10-1 (def. South Florida 23-20): A disaster for the Knights this week at home against one of the worst teams in FBS.  Central Florida doesn’t look at all like a surefire winner in the American with a roadtrip to sneaky good SMU awaiting this week.  My fellow Bearcat fans will know exactly where they stand after playing for the Keg of Nails on Thursday…all I know is Central Florida has never been a bigger fan of Louisville.

#15 Louisiana State, 9-3 (def. arKANSAS 31-27): The Ole Miss loss in the Egg Bowl (America’s least favorite rivalry name) was certainly not helpful for LSU’s standing with the committee.  LSU also takes a freefall thanks to some nice wins for teams resting behind the Tigers including Mizzeruh and the Arizona State, Stanford, and Oregon wins all help out UCLA.  LSU makes REALISM one more week, but we’ll have to see what happens come this weekend.

#14 UCLA, 9-3 (def. USC 35-14): Ed Orgeron, USC now bids you farewell as head coach.  As for the Bruins, they manage to get through 2013 with only losses to REAL teams.  The others on the list who can claim that right?  Central Florida, Mizzeruh, Baylor, Clemson, Buhmuh, and Auburn…..oh and Florida State and Ohio State are undefeated.

#13 Michigan State, 11-1 (def. Minnesota 14-3): Not exactly a high scoring affair.  Michigan State’s usually awful offense seems to offer the Spartans zero opportunity of beating Ohio State this weekend in Indianapolis; however, a loss would in now way knock the Spartans from REALISM.  At this juncture, I’d expect Michigan State to get blown out, but then again, I’ve been surprised by things more odd than a Spartans win come Saturday night.

#12 Oregon, 10-2 (def. Oregon State 36-35): The Ducks are back on the winning track!  Barely.  Squeaking through the Civil War far less easily than the Union.  Oregon now prepares for…nothing.  Oregon is unlikely to make a BCS Bowl, although they are in a position for a REAL BCS Bowl…don’t get too excited, Oregon.

#11 Baylor, 10-1 (def. TCU 41-38): Baylor appears in Oregonian hangover mode at the moment.  If that’s true I have terrible news for Baylor against a pretty good Texas team this week.  The Bears were utterly unimpressive against TCU and the “explosive” offense was out gained by its the “incendiary” TCU counterparts.  The Bears are slip-sliding away.  I continue to preach the season was by no means a waste, but there is not a BCS Bowl in the future, mostly thanks to Buhmuh’s loss to Auburn.

#10 Mizzeruh, 11-1 (def. Texas A&M 28-21): So Mizzeruh is 11-1.  Very impressive in the big bad SEC…but it’s the SEC East.  The teams Mizzeruh beat from the West?  Texas A&M (but at this point what good team hasn’t beat them?) and Ole Miss (who just lost to Mississippi State).  No LSU…No Auburn…No Buhmuh.  Georgia and Florida are shells of their former selves in the East.  And they lost to South Carolina.  I’m not convinced on Mizzeruh as a top tier team quite yet.  How’s ’bout you’s all WARS DAMN EAGLE?

#9 Stanford, 10-2 (def. Notre Dame 27-20): I was awful against the spread this week, but I nailed this puppy.  Anyway, the Cardinal fall below the Arizona State Sun Devils because I am picking Arizona State to win and want to have the rankings reflect that…despite Stanford beating a Notre Dame team Arizona State already lost to:/

It’s halftime….



Halftime Over

#8 Arizona State, 10-2 (def. Arizona 58-21): Because the Pac-12 isn’t a real conference and plays important games on Thursdays, they also don’t have a neutral site to play the PACIFIC-iest Championship Game at this weekend; therefore, Arizona State’s one-loss-record gives the Sun Devils the right to host Stanford in the deep, desert-y, deserted south.  I’m picking you, Arizona State….don’t fail me now.

#7 Oklahoma State, 10-1 (BYE): The Cowboys have the opportunity to clinch both a Fiesta Bowl and REAL-Fiesta Bowl berth by beating Oklahoma in BEDLAM this weekend.  Don’t expect there to be too much insanity or disorder; unless you consider Blake Bell throwing interceptions to be either of those things.  Oklahoma State has one of the nation’s most opportunistic defenses in the country.  That loss to offensively terrible West Virginia mars a good season.

#6 Clemson, 10-2 (lost South Carolina 17-31): Our first loser this week, Clemson falls only one spot.  Jesse “I was on the Bachelor” Palmer reported Clemson was “blown out” by South Carolina….I saw a resilient team which managed to keep the game imaginably close despite suffering six turnovers.  Call me an optimist…call me a idiot…I’m probably both.

#5 South Carolina, 10-2 (def. Clemson 31-17): South Carolina dominated Clemson!….no, wait.  Anyway, the Gamecocks did win the game and only have losses to Georgia and Tennessee marring the season.  Look, I’m not a huge fan of the SEC favoritism, but it clearly is the best conference year in-year-out.  Beating Missouri and Clemson is nothing to shake a stick out.  Beating Tennessee would’ve definitely helped the national outlook, but let’s give South Carolina its due.  Likely the best team in the SEC East.

#4 Buhmuh (see below)

#3 Auburn, 11-1 (played the Iron Bowl): I wanted to keep Buhmuh ahead of Auburn.  Buhmuh is clearly the better team which found itself beaten in really only one way: field goal kicking.  The most underrated and overlooked part of college football dooms teams year-in-and-year-out.  Oregon for the past decade has ended up denied by field goal kicking.  Buhmuh this year.  The Kyle Brotzman fiasco….then again, can I keep Auburn behind Buhmuh after just beating the Tide?  But was the Tigers loss to LSU worse?  We’ll see what happens come Saturday.

#2 Ohio State, 12-0 (def. Michigan 42-41): If there is anything proven during the Iron Bowl this year, it’s how hard it is to go undefeated.  I have more respect for Ohio State and Florida State with the -0 next to the first number than I do for the -1 next to Auburn in the SEC.  Auburn played Buhmuh and LSU, the best teams on the Tigers…and lost to one of them.  Georgia, Ole Miss, and Texas A&M?  They have combined for 13 losses and only 3 of them could be to Auburn.  Shhhh.

#1 Florida State, 12-0 (def. Florida 37-7): I hate Florida so much for losing to a 27.5 spread at home…seriously, Florida?  You were already one of my least favorite teams around and now you play me this way?  Ugh.  Anyway.



The Real Top 16

Hey sports fans….

#16 South Carolina, 9-2 (def. Coastal Carolina 70-10): Did you know that South Carolina goes to the SEX-iest Championship Game if my man Johnny Ca$h and Texas A&M beat Mizzeruh?  You probably did, but hey not everyone is as intelligent and informed as you, my loyal reader.  The Gamecocks have wavered on the edge of realism every week.  This week they find their way back in with an opportunity to do a little climbing by getting its finest win of the year against Clemson.

#15 Central Florida, 10-1 (def. Rutgers 41-17): As a fake conference, the American continues to have Thursday night games….just like the ACC which is incredibly confuse-able with AAC in the SportsCenter app.  Anyway, The Knights gave me a win against the spread, and that’s all I really have to say about their victory this past week.  South Florida, one of the worst BCS conference teams, waits for the season finale for the UCF.  People say things like “Any given Saturday”, but that won’t be this Saturday because South Florida is the college equivalent of the smallest kid in a red rover game.

#14 Mizzeruh, 10-1 (def. Ole Miss 24-10): So I’m 3 for 3 on spread picks thus far which is a nice change of pace from the humdrum sub-.500 weeks I have been having.  Missouri can clinch an SEX-iest Conference Championship Game berth by beating Johnny Ca$h and company.  Weirdly enough, this will be Missouri’s only win against a ranked team…which might not even be true if they win…it’s getting awkward now

#13 Michigan State 10-1 (def. Northwestern 30-6): The directionally challenged Wildcats have lost 7 in a row.  We used to think they simply didn’t know the cardinal directions, but we have learned Northwestern doesn’t know it’s sports record directions either.  On the same hand, Michigan State knows precisely what it needs to do and is set up for a showdown with Ohio State in Indianapolis.  A surprising 8-3 Minnesota team, a benefit of the weak Big Ten, winning would probably hurt Ohio State more than Michigan State, but Baylor losing kind of makes that statement stupid anyway but I’m far too past the moment to go back and delete it.

#12 Texas A&M, 8-3 (lost LSU 10-34): It was kind of a wild week, but to me this was one of the more surprising losses probably right behind the hilarious Oregon debacle for second).  Johnny Ca$h struggled mightily and if Jameis Winston isn’t guilty of being a raper might have doomed his hopes for a second straight Heisman.  The Aggies has a whole won’t be making a BCS appearance for the second straight year despite having the overall talent to do so…it’s tough having to beat all these damn SEC teams each week.

#11 Louisiana State, 8-3 (def. Texas A&M 34-10): I never gave up on you, LSU!  Even when the AP and the ESPN dropped you and made you the girl crying at the steps because your prom date is hitting on the really hot chick named Buhmuh, I was there to drive you home and hand you my handkerchief.  You’re welcome and when they come back and attempt to rank you as highly as I have all year remember they’ll drop you at the first sign of trouble…and remember who has always had your back.

#10 Oregon, 9-2 (lost 16-42): This was absolutely hilarious when I saw it on the bottomline.  I mean would anyone have picked Arizona as a trap game for Oregon?  I mean I might’ve had it been anyone but Oregon.  The Ducks have seemed untouchable for anyone aside from Stanford and then go and flush the Rose Bowl down the toilet.  Ohio State fans nationwide rejoice.  Now they have to go play a much tougher Beaver team in the Civil War??  Hmmmm…

#9 Arizona State, 9-2 (def. UCLA 38-33): So I just realized I don’t have UCLA in here…having already gotten this far I’m just going to leave the list as is, but the Bruins deserve a spot REALISM if they beat USC this week….there Bruin fans.  Arizona State makes a triumphant debut in the real world.  I had them at #18 last week, so they were always hanging around.  Now THEY CONTROL THEIR OWN DESTINY FOR THE PAC-12 CHAMPIONSHIP GAME AND ONLY HAVE TO BEAT ARIZONA…sorry, I went into ESPN mode for a second.  They’re good people over there in Bristol.  Anyway, they do play Arizona, known defeater of Oregon, so I guess we should just say THAT STRARNGER THINGS HAVE HAPPENED IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL.

It’s halftime.  I’m going to talk about something near and dear to my heart as an OSU alum: the Mirror Lake Jump.  Recently…like this past Tuesday, the University began a new era of Mirror Lake Jumping by enforcing some regulations for the students thanks to a completely unrelated death in the small campus landmark in August.  A former student was found drowned in the lake, and the only real excuse this blogger can think of is suicide because it is almost impossible to drown in Mirror Lake as it is rarely deeper than about 4 feet.  Using this unfortunate, unrelated accident as an excuse, Ohio State regulated the jump for the first time.  Aside from being nearly impossible to regulate, the Mirror Lake Jump has been a tradition at Ohio State since before the officials who made the regulations were in diapers; however, traditions aren’t as untouchable in an era of lawsuits.  The problem?  Ohio State never had liability for the jump as the University always sends out an email discouraging jumping and saying it is “not a sanctioned university event”.  This year, Ohio State had actual liability for anything which might have happened.  As is the norm, no one was injured in the jump…and Ohio State should be thankful.  The regulation of the jump not only enrages a student body of over 50,000, it is a terrible decision because it makes Ohio State responsible for any accidents.

#8 Stanford, 9-2 (def. California 62-13): I missed on this one, saying Stanford couldn’t be a spread winner.  The Cardinal finish up with Notre Dame in the academic bowl.  I have no qualms saying Stanford will not struggle against the Irish.

#7 Baylor, 10-1 (lost Oklahoma State 17-49): Baylor got out Baylor-ed by Okie State.  Buckeyes nation-wide rejoiced again as the AP was falling in awkward, somewhat rape-y love with Baylor.  The Bears season is by no means wasted; however, it is difficult to see them making an at-large BCS berth with Northern Illinois and/or Fresno State primed to steal at least one of those suckers and Clemson nabbing one as well…oh and don’t forget Buhmuh might be a sleeper at-large as well should Auburn beat them this weekend….sorry, Baylor.

#6 Oklahoma State, 10-1 (def. Baylor 49-17): The obliteration of Baylor by Oklahoma State gets major points with the committee.  Despite my belief that the Big 12 is terrible, there are now two teams in the second half of the RT16.  The Cowboys looked impressive in their victory…this was a location for #AmericasFavoriteDrinkingGame so a blowout was to be expected…I have bad news for Auburn now.

#5 Clemson, 10-1 (def. The Citadel 52-6): My love affair with The Citadel is well versed, so it is extremely difficult for me to write about this.  The decimation of the hero The Citadel by the coward Clemson is something no one likes to romance, so I’ll just let you know Clemson has its biggest game of the year when it hosts Georgia…ummm…hosts Florida State visits South Carolina this weekend.

#4 Auburn, 10-1 (BYE): It was an off week.  #AmericasFavoriteDrinkingGame comes to the Iron Bowl.  You up?

#3 Ohio State, 11-0 (def. Indiana 42-14): It was business as usual for the Bucks against this God awful Big Ten…not as bad as the Big 12 or ACC thanks to OSU, MSU, and WISC.  I hate abbreviation.  Ugh.

#2 Alabuhmuh, 11-0 (def. Chattanooga 49-0): Buhmuh’s defense looked stout against another terrible, just absolutely terrible opponent.  A tougher test waits in Auburn this weekend in the Gameday game.  We’ve basically only seen blowouts in the past this season for #AmericasFavoriteDrinkingLocation.  Will it be true this week?  All I know is we’ll be drinking for such things as “The Iron Bowl”, “Rivalry Week”, and “The Game”.

#1 Florida State, 11-0 (Did Jameis Winston rape things to Idaho): What if he really did rape that girl?

The Real Top 16

Well, here we are, boys and girls.  Suddenly Baylor seems poised to jump OSU in the phony BCS standings and Florida State and Buhmuh are on a collision course for Pasadena.  All rise!

#16 Michigan State, 9-1 (def. Nebraska 41-28): Welcome to realness, Michigan State!  As embarrassing as a loss to Tommy Rees is in this era of college football, Michigan State has only that blemish on its resume.  It would seem to be a longtime coming the MSU was REAL, but the back-to-back wins over Meeeshigan and Corn-city were the first impressive victories on the year.  The year is far from over for Jonny Gomes and company, as they travel to play suddenly the worst team in the Big 10 Northwestern and then welcome Minnesota to Sparta.

#15 Central Florida, 8-1 (def. Temple 39-36): Let’s all just take a deep breath and watch that catch by J.J. Worten over and over and over again.

#14 Louisiana State, 7-3 (BYE): LSU gets jumped by a few teams this week after chilling in the cool, not tornado-ridden air of Baton Rouge.  The Tigers welcome Johnny Ca$h to town this weekend in a make or break game for the kid’s back-to-back Heisman chances…will LSU be a 4 loss REAL team?  Only time can tell.

#13 Oklahoma State, 9-1 (def. Texas 38-13): Fudge…remember my pick to win the Big 12?  Well it wasn’t Oklahoma State.  The Cowboys become another resume buttress for the godforsaken Baylor Bears after beating Texas this week.  I’m trying to keep myself aware that the Big 12 is so top heavy and those teams aren’t good enough to warrant a sniff of the National Title game…it’s an ordeal, but hopefully someone can prove me right come January.

#12 Missouri, 9-1 (BYE): Mizzeruh also took the week off, but jumped LSU for obvious reasons, Texas for losing, and Central Florida for looking like shit against a one win Temple team.  Now things get REAL for Missouri as the “control your own destiny” thing is really only a good label if Vanderbilt, Kentucky, or Tennessee were left on the schedule.  Playing at Ole Miss and home against Johnny Ca$h seems like a pretty terrible “control your own destiny” situation for a team hoping to be the East’s sacrificial lamb to Bama in the SEX-IEST Championship Game in December.

#11 Stanford, 8-2 (lost USC 17-20): I was a little embarrassed for Stanford watching this game.  Ben Hogan is looking far less the game manager he did for all those starts he won last year and early this year.  Suddenly he’s trying to be a playmaking Quarterback and that isn’t the formula which has been successful for Stanford or Hogan since he took over at the helm.  The Cardinal are bolstered by the Oregon win from last week and the early season dominance of Arizona State, but may start slipping and sliding should the teams behind them pick up a few good wins.  #Utah #NeverForget

#10 Wisconsin, 8-2 (def. Indiana 51-3): The Badgers being #19 in the AP is an honest to God sham job.  Wisconsin has looked as impressive as anyone since losing to Ohio State in October and should be 9-1 if the umpire hadn’t cost them the win AT Arizona State way back in the day.  Now the Badgers can finish out the season by throttling overachieving Minnesota team and floundering Penn State en route to a 10 win season and become a BCS hopeful…no fears on missing out on a REAL BCS game, Bucky.

#9 UCLA, 8-2 (def. Washington 41-31): A win over Washington is a win over Washington…even at 6-4 the Husky’s are a good team and my favorites.  UCLA gets to do a little climbing with the victory and now has its sights set on a rematch with Stanford Oregon in the Pac-12 Championship.  Don’t get too far ahead of yourself, UCLA!  Your best competition (Arizona “We control our own destiny because ESPN mandates this phrase must be used every time a team controls its own destiny” State and USC) in the next two weeks.  When was the last time the UCLA-USC rivalry had the possibility of being this meaningful?  I think when UCLA was 5-6 back in 2011.

It’s halftime.  I’d like to take this opportunity to talk about the anniversary of one of the greatest moments in sports history.  It comes from College Gameday, back before it was #AmericasFavoriteDrinkingGame.  The day was November 19th, the location was Houston, Texas, the guest picker was the great Carl Lewis, and the phrase of the day across America was “Ah, Fuck it”.  Only divine intervention can be thanked for such a glorious moment as Lee Corso tossed aside the Southern Methodist microphone in favor of the Houston Cougar mascot head.  The resulting reactions only crescendo moving from left to right.  Carl Lewis applauds the clear breach of FCC regulation, Chris Fowler puts his head down in shame, and Kirk Herbstreit just about loses control of his bodily functions.  This moment seemed to be the reward for the countless hours of loyalty we have put in watching Gameday and will forever live on as perhaps television’s greatest moment.

#8 Texas A&M, 8-2 (BYE): Johnny is preparing for his finale (I mean he is going pro…right?) and boy does he have one.  Texas A&M has an opportunity to pick up the best final two wins of seasons of any team in the nation.  The Aggies have Louisiana State and Mizzeruh left on the menu and that leaves two more opportunities for Ca$h to prove he’s the rightful owner of a second straight Heisman and Texas A&M to prove it is worthy of a REAL BCS bowl game.  Engage.

#7 Clemson, 9-1 (def. Georgia Tech 55-31): Absolutely no Clemson ridiculous loss this season?  It would appear the Tigers are just about out of the woods on that front.  A loss to the Citadel would certainly qualify and even though Citadel IS THE BEST TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL AND WILL FOREVER KICK FURMAN’S PHANNIES DAY IN AND DAY OUT, Clemson should be fine.  South Carolina would not really be a trademark Clemson terrible loss, it might knock Dabo and Company from the rank of the REAL BCS tier.

#6 Auburn, 10-1 (def. Georgia 43-38): Just go ahead and watch the end of this game one more time and continue to wonder how Georgia could have in anyway managed to not only give up the fourth and 18, but it ended up in a touchdown.  Auburn seems to just have this weird inability to be knocked from the current juggernaut status……oh and if you haven’t noticed, Auburn’s has only one game………………………………………and it’s against Buhmuh.

#5 Baylor, 10-0 (def. Texas Tech 63-34): Baylor is getting a lot of hype from around the nation for this win…after all they beat a barely above average Texas Tech team by twenty-nine points.  You’re probably wondering, “Are you anti-Baylor?”  And to that I say absolutely not my dear readers.  Baylor has something special going this year.  I’m actually just “Anti-Big 12” and have been my entire life.  The Big 12 is a conference with four or five decent teams and then six horrendous teams which help to give teams like Baylor, Texas Tech, Oklahoma State, et al have tantalizing points against totals.  Baylor has an incredible offense and it will likely lead them to a Big 12 championship, but I think it would behoove everyone to take a step back.

#4 Oregon 9-1 (def. Utah 44-21): Another Oregon loss to the spread?  I’m embarrassed.  The Ducks are back on track to the Pac-12 Championship Game after all they CONTROL THEIR OWN GODDAMN DESTINY!  Go Oregon…woo…

#3 Ohio State, 10-0 (def. Illinois 60-35): Ohio State looked pretty miserable at points against Illinois, but the world seemed to forget they still won the game by four scores.  It takes a little more than luck to go on the road and beat a team giving you its best shot and Ohio State did that with a little flair and a little bit of feeding the horse.  The Buckeyes were not as impressive this week as week’s past and not as impressive as some other teams, but the AP dropping the Bucks to #4 behind Baylor is a little silly since OSU started at #2 in the AP.  Baylor and Ohio State have opportunities to prove who deserves to be #3….but how much does that matter?

#2 Alabuhmuh, 10-0 (def. Mississippi 20-7): The Iron Bowl is coming.

#1 Florida State, 10-0 (def. Syracuse 59-3): Syracuse was supposed to be the “best defense Florida State has played all year”…that didn’t go well.

Real Top 16

So Oregon, Baylor, Stanford, and Oklahoma were on bye this past week which made life a little boring, but all four of those team are playing in the most legendary Thursday night of college football maybe in history.  Stanford at Oregon and Oklahoma at Baylor sounds like back-to-back College Gameday locations; however, God’s cruelty has nothing on the NCAA’s and now we have to stay up late on a work day because fuck our lives, right?  It’s not like I’m going to miss these games…Damn sith.

#16 Missouri, 8-1 (def. Tennessee 31-3): I’m not putting this down as a loss in my upset alerts, because I was in no way serious about it.  Missouri was at home and coming off their first loss of the season, even Buzz Killington could’ve found a way to motivate a team following the South Carolina overtime debacle.  Mizzou still has complete control of the SEC East, but with Texas A&M looming and South Carolina/Georgia nipping on the heels of the Tigers, my confidence has faltered.  Having lost inexplicably up by three scores in the fourth, Mizzou might have doomed their chance at Buhmuh in the SEC Title game with the loss last weekend and the dreams of thousands…or well…hundreds.

#15 Oklahoma, 7-1 (BYE): The Sooners and Texas Longhorns fell behind UCLA upon further review by the brain trust.  Oklahoma has a chance to leap frog a few teams if they can beat Baylor this Thursday…a win which will also help their big rival Texas climb possibly as well.  Texas is still my pick to win the Big 12 this year, and Oklahoma beating Baylor actually could help the Longhorns achieve that without beating the Bears in Week 15.  Oklahoma, on the same hand, shouldn’t be kept on the outside looking in.  The Sooners have as realistic a shot as anyone, but I would think they need to beat Baylor Thursday.  I have the Bears on upset alert.

#14 Texas, 6-2 (def. Kansas 35-13): Do the Longhorns have the best defense in the Big 12?  The statement is extremely ironic as there isn’t really a good defense to be found (don’t ask me about Baylor’s 6th ranked defense in points against), but the Longhorns might have the proverbial “fastest dog with no legs” defense…or the best of the worst.  Texas has looked relatively strong since the back-to-back BYU and Ole Miss embarrassments, and has three AP teams left on the schedule in Okie State, Texas Tech, and Baylor.  Chances to improve one’s standing are inevitable.

#13 Central Florida, 6-1 (BYE): The Knights slide a spot too thanks to my sudden belief in UCLA (it was always there, UCLA…always (smiley face)).  Central Florida beat Louisville and arguably outplayed South Carolina, so there is still reason to have faith in the Knights abilities to win their BCS Game come January.  I don’t want to get the hopes of America’s second largest public university by undergraduate students too excited, but we’ll find out in January just how good this team really is when they likely will play either Florida State, Miami Florida, or Clemson in the Orange Bowl.

#12 UCLA, 6-2  (def. Colorado 45-23): UCLA’s fall to #20 in the AP is one of those things I’ll never quite understand about the NCAA and college sports, but I suppose I must deal with.  The Bruins have lost to the teams currently ranked #3 and #5 in the BCS.  They gave Oregon a phenomenal game (really the only challenge the Ducks have had all season) for the bulk of the contest and played Stanford close as well.  Name me a team besides Buhmuh and Florida State you think could even have a chance of hanging around with both of those teams.  UCLA might have one of the worst signature wins in the RT16, but they might get just what the doctor ordered and another shot at either Pac-12 North heavyweight come December.

#11 Wisconsin, 6-2 (def. Iowa 28-9): Kirk Herbstreit this week on America’s favorite drinking game show called Wisconsin the best team in the Big Ten before correcting himself to “Second best team in the Big Ten”.  As an Ohio State alum, fully aware I share the honor with the disdain for and dishonored Herbstreit, I immediately thought of the 40 minutes of dominance the Buckeyes showed before Jared Abb…something torched us.  Still, Wisconsin is way better than people have given them credit and finally got a defensive performance this past weekend.  Now, Iowa is no Ohio State (much less an Oregon or Florida State), but still holding any team to 6 points is impressive.  Wisconsin plays a pretty talented BYU team this week, but I’m leaving the Badgers off of this week’s upset alert.

#10 Miami Florida, 7-1 (lost Florida State 41-14): I’d say fallen on hard times, but in all honesty Miami simply played a team that was a shit load better on the road in primetime.  Anyone who gave the Canes a chance was either in denial or thought this was a basketball game.  The U was the first team to really rattle Jameis Winston a bit, forcing two picks, but FSU was too fast and talented on third down.  Miami’s season is far from over.  A rematch at a neutral site in the ACC Championship game might seem more even to the Canes, but they shouldn’t get their hopes up…a loss might make them this year’s Georgia and knock them from the BCS Bowl chase (for some reason).

#9 Auburn, 8-1 (def. arKANASAS 35-17): Welcome to the new era of Auburn football.  Aside from the most embarrassing fake injury in sports history, Auburn was probably well pleased with the effort against Bret Bielema, his weight, and his wife.  It hasn’t gotten the other Tigers from the SEC into the latter half of the RT16, but being right of the heels of LSU is never a bad place in this world.  Tennessee has proven more than once that winning in Neyland Stadium is no easy task this year.  Am I putting Auburn on upset alert?  I don’t want to be a soft ass again this week, so yeah I’ll put the Tigers on upset alert this weekend.

It’s halftime…I don’t really have a talking point this year, so we’ll just go with HAPPY BIRTHDAY E and ZAC!  You know who you are.

#8 Louisiana State, 7-2 (BYE): Buhmuh plays LSU this weekend…Oregon plays Stanford on Thursday…and Oklahoma plays Baylor on Thursday…one of the finest weeks of college football has all of these teams coming off of a bye week.  LSU might be the team which would most need the BYE and will undoubtedly be the biggest underdog of all of the teams which will be dogs this week…Think of them as the bull mastiff of underdogs.  Ironically, LSU might also be the most talented of all the dogs as well…it just doesn’t seem to have the personal to take down Buhmuh.

#7 Baylor, 7-0 (BYE): After some fact digging the past week, I decided I needed to drop Baylor down a little bit…in fact I need to drop them a lot further down.  The highest ranked team in the BCS standings Baylor has played is Kansas State (65th last week), winning by only 10 points.  The only other team in the FBS which has a .500 or better record is Buffalo (6-2) as West Virginia (4-5), Kansas (2-6), and Iowa State (1-7) are all complete garbage.  Now, I don’t want to get too crazy, because Baylor has looked dominant against these terrible teams.  Losing this Thursday, however, will do more than knock Baylor down the list…it’ll prove they aren’t REAL.

#6 Stanford, 7-1 (BYE): Stanford knocked Oregon from the BCS Title game last year, and the Cardinal are looking to prove again they deserve looks for a REAL National Championship with a win this week.  I’d reckon a win catapults the Cardinal to where the Ducks are currently sitting (2nd)…although I might have some difficulties if Buhmuh beats LSU.  Stanford is going to have to grind more than it did last year, as Oregon’s offense has looked more unstoppable than ever.  We’ll see…you want a pick?  I’m sticking to my rankings this week and taking Oregon.

#5 Clemson, 8-1 (def. Virginia 59-10): The Tiger’s offense has fully recovered from the Florida State whomping of 2013.  Clemson won’t be winning any REAL National Titles as long as Florida State is undefeated, but we must keep in mind, losing to Florida State is better than losing to pretty much any team and Clemson does have wins over Georgia, Maryland (but who fucking cares about Maryland?), and South Carolina looming.  Thankfully for the Tigers, REAL rankings take into account that Georgia was not the neutered, hobbled Georgia which lost to Mizzou and Vandy, but the superpower which held Top 5 rank in the RT16.

#4 Ohio State, 9-0 (def. Purdue 56-0): I’d argue Ohio State’s offense is as unstoppable as any in the country, and while I’m probably wrong, the Buckeyes without a doubt have a top 5 offensive unit and COULD score with any team on a given night.  Braxton Miller is putting up Marcus Mariota numbers on the same competition Mariota put up those video game stats earlier this year (Nickel State, Colorado, Virginia…remember these teams, Oregon?).  I’m not one of those naive OSU fans who thinks we’re never going to lose again; however, there is no reason to believe the Bucks will be anything but 13-0 when they play their bowl game this year.  With Stanford playing Oregon, Buhmuh playing LSU, and Baylor playing Oklahoma, Ohio State could be #2 in the AP after this week…but certainly not in the RT16.

#3 Buhmuh, 8-0 (BYE): Va-Tech’s near defeat of the Tide keeps looking more and more ominous for Buhmuh.  The Tide might have shed the defensive worries of the Texas A&M game, but to be fair Ole Miss’s 48th ranked scoring offense is the best they’ve played since…the scoring woes also appear gone…but Ole Miss has had the best defense the Tide have played since Va-Tech and Buhmuh put up only 25 on the Rebels.  I’m not 100% sold on Buhmuh’s all-around abilities going into the rivalry game with LSU, certainly not as sold as Paul Finebaum’s ears are….you want a pick?  Simply because I want Buhmuh to lose, I’m putting the Tide on upset alert and taking LSU to win this game by a single point, 24-23.

#2 Oregon, 8-0 (BYE): They have beaten UCLA and Washington…they have demolished every other team in it’s way…but finally Oregon faces a team which has given the Ducks nightmares.  I’m not putting Oregon on upset alert, but if the Cardinal lose to a 10.5 spread I’d be surprised.  Spread spoiler, Oregon gets the win, Stanford gets the check.

#1 Florida State, 8-0 (def. The U 41-14): A nice palindromic victory for the Noles leave them still atop the RT16.  Florida State has looked nearly unbeatable…even more than Oregon if anyone thought that possible.  Boston College giving Florida State it’s only real scare is absolutely laughable to me, but Florida State needs to not get caught up in its current success, because usually the Wake Forests of the world are the ones which end National Championship hopes.

The Real Top 16

Talk about a shakeup…we might not see quite the fluctuation you all witnessed in the AP Poll, but we certainly have some movement thanks to the SEC continuing to eat itself for breakfast.  Get ready for the rodeo!

#16 Nebraska 6-1 (BYE): The huskers of corn benefited from their bye week as last week I had them slightly outside the RT16.  If you recall, Nebraska’s only loss came thanks to a second half thumping by the motivated University of California Los Angeles Bruins in the wake of the Nick Pasquale tragedy.  Since, the Ears have a 32 point margin of victory against FCS powerhouse South Dakota State and Big Ten opponents Illinois and Purdue.  The Illini thrashing is the most impressive of the three victories, but the Corners have the “meat” of their Big Ten slate in sight with Michigan State, Michigan, and Penn State looming.

#15 Central Florida, 5-1 (def. Louisville 38-35): We were all over this one, weren’t we, loyal readers?  Mocked and beaten down by our compatriots, we stood tall and had the last laugh, congrats!  No time to celebrate, because the Knights are on the fast track to a BCS Bowl that for some reason the American Conference Champion attends.  Rutgers and Houston provide the two most “intriguing” tests.  Except little mayhem for Central Florida from this point onward.

#14 Wisconsin, 5-2 (def. Illinois 56-32): Wisconsin has established itself as the premiere second level team in the Big Ten…and that group is far more clustered than we imagined it being at season’s beginning.  The Badgers would likely take home the crown of Big Ten Champion again against the weaker “Legends” division, But for Ohio State.  The Badgers will likely settle for a berth in the Capital One Bowl, but the season is not lost here in the REAL World where the Big Ten is going respect almost as quickly as in the AP Poll.

#13 Auburn, 6-1 (def. Texas A&M 45-41): It was inevitable that Johnny Ca$h would watch as his defense gave up way too many points.  Auburn is an offensive nightmare at times, and holds the title of eighth best rushing team in the country (better than 300 yards per game (300.1)).  The SEC hammered itself this weekend, but Auburn only did itself favors…although Ole Miss likely cost the Tigers an even higher place in the RT16.

#12 Louisiana State, 6-2 (lost Ole Miss 24-27): What happened to Zach Mettenberger?  He trashed my dreams of an Oregon-LSU National Championship and now I’m forced to wallow in pity…except there is always Oregon-Florida State, right?  The entire LSU offense looked downright Alabuhmuh Week 1 esque including Ham’s 3 interceptions.  The Tigers manage to keep a spot in the RT16…we, as universal Buckeye fans, can only pray for five yards and a cloud of dust when the Tigers visit Tuscaloosa real soon.

#11 Virginia Tech, 6-1 (BYE): Virginia Tech continues to laugh at avoiding FSU and Clemson this year in conference play.  With still only a mud fight with Buhmuh marring the perfect record, the Hokies have won ugly so many times I’m beginning to question my sanity having these bros at eleven…the best number in the history of ever.  Fun fact, the last loss by a #11 in the RT16 was South Carolina in Week 2.  Anyway, Va-Tech is in a little bit of a sticky situation with an underrated Duke team visiting this weekend…keep your eyes peeled, Hokies.

#10 UCLA, 5-1 (lost Stanford 10-24): UCLA got Oregon-ed by Stanford this year.  The offense was supposed to be a poor man’s version of the Ducks and it looked both poor and womanly in the loss to Stanford, racking up only 266 total yards over the course of the game.  Brett “Lee Corso’s pick to go #1 in the NFL Draft” Hundley looked rather God awful.  Luckily for the Bruins everyone else lost to far worse teams.

#9 Stanford, 6-1 (def. UCLA 24-10): Utah’s loss hurt any further leapfrogging for the Redwoods…or trees, I don’t know what type.  Stanford makes the most triumphant return the RT16 has ever know, but keep your eyes on Corvallis this weekend.  Don’t doubt it until the game hits 00:00, Stanford fans.  The Cardinal are officially on upset alert.

It’s half time.  I had something I really wanted to talk about, but I completely blanked on what it was.  Did you guys see the targeting ejection called on Ohio State’s Bradley Roby this past weekend?  Everyone always says “We’re out to make the game safer” and then the immediate reply is “I’m all for making the game safe….but”.  But what?  But it’s ridiculous, right?  Roby goes shoulder pad to shoulder pad with a guy weighing forty pounds more than he and that’s targeting?  Players have a right to fear for their safety, but they should do it from the sideline where there’s no opportunity to get pile-driven into the ground by a mad defensive back.  I’m staying away from cliches like “Football is a dangerous game” and “They might as well play flag football” because they don’t hit the main point of what this entire argument is circling around.  Everyone gets freaked out at the NCAA and NFL for their targeting violations and personal fouls, but the NCAA and NFL are currently being obliterated by law suits over the effects of a football career.  The players are the ones who have caused this nonsensical shift from “Football is a violent game” to “They might as well play flag football”.  Players seem to have forgotten all the cliches and suddenly believed they were entitled to benefits because they played a sport which causes injuries…hundreds of injuries.  If you’re playing professional football and don’t expect to get hurt you’d better be a kicker or punter.  The world knows football causes brain damage and that ilk.  So if you’re worried about getting a brain injury from playing football then don’t play.  A simple solution, I know, after all these players need to eat and feed their families and football is sometimes their greatest God given gift…well you understand the risks involved, so don’t complain about the risks if you aren’t willing to stray away from the game.  That seemed like enough of rant.

#8 Miami Florida 7-0 (def. North Carolina 27-23): What is it about the ACC and close games against terrible teams on the road on Thursday night?  North Carolina has looked about as much a threat as Pusheen, but the Hurricanes nearly let the Tar Heels kick them off the list.  Wake Forest can only knock The U down on this list, so they better not overlook the horrible Demoned Deacons with the biggest game since the Larry Coker era looming against Florida State in the Doak on November 2nd.

#7 Missouri 7-0 (def. Florida 36-17): If you knew anything about Maty Mauk or Florida then this win did not surprise/impress you as much as the people in Vegas and at ESPN.  Florida is pretty damn awful and LSU’s loss this weekend only continues to reinforce that point I’ve been making all season.  The Tigers have taken over the driver seat in the SEC East and can all but clinch with a victory against South Carolina this weekend.  Expect Maty Mauk, the two time Gatorade High School Player of the Year, to ravage a Gamecock secondary which was pedestrian versus Tennessee’s appalling pass offense this past week.  I don’t see any reason why Mizzou should lose this week, especially with Connor Shaw out.

#6 Clemson, 6-1 (lost Florida State 14-51): How does a team lose by 37 at home in the biggest game the program has seen since Nam and not drop in the RT16?  The Tigers have LSU’s loss to Ole Miss, Miami screwing the pooch against North Carolina, and my opinion of Florida’s team to thank for their stagnation.  With Georgia’s free-fall, the Tigers lack a signature win this season.  South Carolina and Maryland are on the way down at this juncture as well, so we may see Clemson embarking on it’s own trip downward relatively soon.

#5 Baylor, 7-0 (def. Iowa State 71-7): The return of the Baylor Blowout comforts Bears fans for a moment.  If you look around the Big 12, you’ll notice a lot of teams with high powered passing offenses and absolutely obscenely terrible pass defenses.  If you consider Baylor, Texas Tech, and Oklahoma State as the best contenders for the Big 12 Crown (even though Texas is quietly undefeated in conference play), then you’d probably like to know Baylor boasts the BY FAR the best rushing attack of the three (more YPG other two combined, in fact with 300.3 compared to 268.2 (136.5+131.7))  and the best margin of victory.  What I’m trying to get at is that these teams all play the game the same way…Baylor just does it better.

#4 Ohio State, 7-0 (def. Iowa 34-24): The secondary continues to be of concern to Buckeyes throughout the nation, but the Bucks are still sitting pretty at 19-0.  An undefeated Baylor team makes me nervous because of how overrated the Big 12 is compared to the Big Ten, but we won’t fret too much at this point.  Ohio State’s handling of Wisconsin continues to look better each week and the Bucks still maintain a better computer rating than the Bears.

#3 Alabuhmuh, 7-0 (def. arKANSAS 52-0): So when I keep saying I distrust A.J.T.J. and the offense, I’m joking, okay?  Not in the least bit, but the Tide are absolutely BOWLING over the competition…absolutely pulverized you guys with that misdirection.  Suddenly the Iron Bowl in Auburn, Auburn is looking like the toughest test on the calendar, but I haven’t given up hope on an LSU upset.  This week is the fourth Saturday in October so the Tide will play their yearly squabble against Tennessee; mysteriously named “The Third Saturday in October”.  Despite my trust in the Vols as a dog, don’t put the Tide on upset alert.

#2 Oregon, 7-0 (def. Wazzu 62-38): Oregon is terrible.  The Ducks can’t even beat a simple -40 spread these days.  I’ve definitely given up on them as my REAL Champions for 2013-2014…..wait, I absolutely am being entirely too sarcastic for my own self to understand the completely bullshittery of what I had just typed.  Oregon will be fine…I mean they threw a 62 spot on the board, right?  UCLA-BYE-Stanford could leave us with the Ducks back at the #1 spot.

#1 Florida State 7-0 (pillaged Clemson): The Seminoles taught the Tigers an absolute lesson this past weekend.  I mean I haven’t seen a mauling like this since I played FCS West on NCAA 2013 with my stacked UMass team in year 2025 of the dynasty.  That actually happened.  Nonetheless, Florida State appears unbeatable at this point.  Their combined game scores against ranked opponents this season is 114-14.  Holla at’cha REAL National Champions 2013 style!

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